The Brushback In Brief

Motherfucker Was All Over Me, Wide Receiver Alleges
TAMPA, FL-According to Keyshawn Johnson, wide receiver for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, defensive back Terrence Newman was all over him during a third down play in Sunday’s game against the Cowboys. The supposed interference caused Johnson to drop the pass and forced the Bus to punt. “Motherfucker was all over me!” Johnson alleged to referee Phil Lutwick. “What the fuck? Didn’t you see him grabbing me? Throw the flag, motherfucker!” Johnson went on to report that the fucker had been draped all over him the entire game, and that the officiating in the NFL is fucking bullshit.

Alfonso Soriano Trapped Inside Paper Bag; Unable To Hit Self Out
NEW YORK- Authorities were called to the house of Yankees player Alfonso Soriano after the 2nd baseman became trapped inside a large brown paper bag and was unable to escape. Soriano, armed only with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat, could not hit himself out. “We have a situation where a gentlemen has been trapped in this paper bag for hours,” said NYPD Sergeant Randall McCall. “He does have a baseball bat with him, but with his troubles at the plate lately, we don’t anticipate him being able to hit himself out.” He added that EMT's were being brought to the scene to pry Soriano out with the Jaws of Life.

Women’s Tennis Player Deemed Fuckable
STERLING TOWNSHIP, MI- A Women’s tennis player was deemed fuckable yesterday by a panel of men in Sterling Township, MI. The player, Kim Clijsters, was described as “OK looking” and “definitely do-able.” “She’s not bad,” said Vic Mungro, 27. “I wouldn’t toss her out of bed for eating crackers, that’s for sure.” Ted Loman, Mungro’s roommate, agreed with his friend’s stance. “Her face is OK – nothing spectacular, but she has a great bod. If you put a bag over her head she could be Anna Kournikova.” Still another friend, Gilbert Faretnz, echoed their sentiments, pointing out that “she’s totally do-able” and adding, “since I broke up with Beth [Bosley, his former girlfriend], I’d fuck a hole in the wall, anyway.”

Victor Conte Hits 550 Foot Home Run In Company Softball Outing
SAN JOSE, CA-Victor Conte, creator of the controversial new steroid THG, hit a towering 550 foot home run at yesterday's BALCO Laboratories company softball outing. Witnesses were amazed at the portly Conte's unusual strength."Did you see how far that thing went?" asked Melissa Burbridge, BALCO employee. "It went over those trees in centerfield and just kept going. He must do a lot of rigorous weight training to be able to hit a ball that far" The next inning Conte raised more eyebrows when he furiously charged the mound after being grazed by a looping underhand toss. It reportedly took twelve men to keep him from attacking the pitcher, 65-year-old Gladys Ackers.

Deaf, Dumb And Blind Kid Terrible At Pinball
PEORIA, IL-Timmy O’Brien, a deaf, dumb and blind kid from Peoria, IL is said to be “terrible” at pinball, standing in stark contrast to the cool deaf, dumb and blind kid from the Who’s Tommy. “Kid can’t even find the door, let alone play pinball,” said Paul Bezeldik, who witnessed the disgraceful showing at Great Times Emporium in Bartonville. “He had no skills, no zen-like concentration, no heightened senses, nothing. And he tripped over some hot chick on his way to the bathroom and made a total ass out of himself. I guess deaf dumb and blind kids aren’t as cool in real life as they are in rock operas.”