The Brushback In Brief

‘Coaches Vs. Cancer’ Tournament Won By Cancer
NEW YORK-The 9th annual “Coaches vs. Cancer Classic” basketball tournament was held last week at Madison Square Garden. Despite the sound effort put forth by coaches, players, and fans, cancer came out on top once again, thereby preserving it’s undefeated lifetime record. “Well we raised a lot of money and awareness,” said Pittsburgh Coach Jamie Dixon. “But Cancer is still with us. I really thought this was the year, but I guess you could say we’re cursed.” A dejected Neil Harper, Director of the National Cancer Society, called the event “a complete waste of time.”

San Jose Earthquake Or Chicago Fire Wins MLS Championship
CHICAGO-The Major League Soccer Championship Game was played on Sunday and won by either the San Jose Earthquake or Chicago Fire. The Associated Press was unable to locate anyone who actually watched the game, and calls to the teams' front offices have not yet been returned. “We’re waiting on the call back to find out who won,” said Major League Soccer President Robert Contiguglia. “I didn’t catch the game on Sunday because the Packers were playing the 49ers at Lambeau. Hopefully they’ll get back to us soon, so we’ll know which name to put on the trophy. But whoever did win, congratulations!”

Barry Sanders Breaks Long Silence Again
BRISTOL, CT-Barry Sanders, former Detroit Lions running back, once again broke his long silence over the circumstances surrounding his premature retirement. Sanders again held a one-time, tell-all interview, this time with ESPN, to reiterate yet again the reason he quit football. “I quit because I didn’t feel like the Detroit Lions had a chance to win. It just killed my enjoyment of the game,” Sanders said for the millionth time to ESPN’s Andrea Kramer. Sanders reportedly has twelve more blockbuster, one-on-one interviews scheduled for this week in order to promote his new book Barry Sanders Revealed: The Reason Why I Quit Playing Football.

Jim Rome Takes Controversial Anti-Rape Stance
LOS ANGELES-Jim Rome, fiery host of ESPN’s Rome is Burning, took a controversial anti-rape stance yesterday on his show.“Let me tell you something about rape: It’s wrong. If a woman doesn’t want your disgusting hands on her then back off, pal. I don’t care if you’re some big NBA star or a street sweeper, rape is plain wrong. What, am I being too controversial for you? Well, you’ve just stepped into the Smackdown, my friend. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” If that wasn’t enough, he later added that the murder of Dernell Stenson was “plain wrong” and that they should lock up the perpetrators and “throw away the key”

Free Fleece Can’t Justify ESPN The Magazine Subscription
AUSTIN, TX-A subscription to ESPN The Magazine was not justified by the inclusion of a complimentary fleece jacket. The flimsy coat failed to make the magazine interesting or the subscription worthwhile, sources reported. “Yea, like this fleece jacket can make me feel better about getting this piece of shit every week,” said Phil Nyers, of Austin, TX. “It’s nothing but advertisements and vapid, shallow interviews. Oh, and lots of cover shots of muscular, sweaty men with their shirts off. Gee, thanks, ESPN.” Nyers added that he received the subscription as a birthday present from his mom, and felt guilty throwing it in the trash.

Fat Guy Bagging Groceries Looks A Lot Like Brian Bosworth
VAN NUYS, CA-According to witnesses, a fat guy bagging groceries at a Stop N Shop in Van Nuys, CA looks an awful lot like ex-footballer Brian Bosworth. “That guy looks just like the Boz,” said Barry Gearson, 32. “The same facial expression, the same kind of hair, only much, much fatter. As soon as I saw him, I knew. I guess after football he didn’t have anything to really fall back on.” To confirm his suspicions, Gearson asked him directly. “I asked if he was Boz, and he looked at me and said ‘What’s it to you?’ Talk about a dead giveaway. It was obviously him, or he wouldn’t have said that.”

Legless Man Won’t Let Handicap Stop Him From Playing Wheelchair Basketball
BROOKLYN, NY-Gregg Wheatley, a 36 year-old legless man from Brooklyn, NY, will not let his handicap stop him from playing wheelchair basketball. The inspirational Wheatley has joined up with the New York City Wheelchair Basketball Association and plays every weekend, despite his disability. “Gregg is an inspiration to all of us,” said his fiancee, Debbie. “Not only is he showing that handicapped people can lead normal, healthy, productive lives, he’s also living proof that crippled people can still play wheelchair basketball - even if they have no legs.”

Offensive Lineman Successfully Evades Blitz
ORCHARD PARK, NY-An offensive lineman for the Buffalo Bills successfully evaded blitzing defenders three times on Sunday. The lineman, left tackle Mike Williams, deftly stepped out of the way as marauding linebackers streaked past and hammered quarterback Drew Bledsoe. “Drew’s gotta be more mobile,” Williams said after the game. “If he was like me, he would’ve had those defenders whizzing right by him.” Williams indicated that he was willing to give Bledsoe footwork tips in order to prevent another bruising day like Sunday.

Detroit Tigers Turned Down For Mastercard
DETROIT-The Detroit Tigers organization suffered yet another setback yesterday when their application for a Mastercard was turned down. The team had already been rejected by Visa, American Express, and Discover, and had nowhere left to turn. “I don’t understand it,” said GM Dave Dombrowski. “We paid the electric bill, got caught up on the gas, our credit is pretty decent. What do we have to do to get a credit card?” A spokesman from Mastercard had this to say: “Their credit history is weak, to say the least. Also, the fact that they just signed Fernando Vina to a 15 million dollar contract didn’t help.”

Football Player Proud Of American Flag Nasal Strip
JACKSONVILLE, FL-Jay Pollard, offensive tackle for the Jacksonville Jaguars, is proud to express his patriotism through his American flag Nasal strip. The inch long sliver of nylon is his way of paying respect to the men and women who fight for our freedoms. “It’s just my way of saying ‘thanks’,” said Pollard, his patriotic nasal strip expanding and contracting with each breath. “People say football players are heroes, but we’re not. The soldiers are the real heroes, and this nasal strip is a small token of my appreciation.” Pollard also pointed out that he wears a stars and stripes mouthpiece as a way to remind himself of the sacrifices our armed forced make every day.

Drew Bledsoe Regrets Selecting Self In Fantasy Football Draft
BUFFALO, NY-After his team’s demoralizing loss to the New England Patriots and a terrible year in general, Bills quarterback Drew Bledsoe said he regrets selecting himself in this year’s fantasy football draft. “Having a lousy year is bad enough,” said Bledsoe. “But this just compounds matters. I didn’t get so much as one lousy point in the last three weeks of the season. It’s hard to believe. I thought I got a bargain when I fell to the third round in the draft, but I guess I was wrong.” The Bledsoe family fantasy football league consists of Drew, his two brothers-in-law, his uncle Ray, his two sons, and his friend Gregg, all of whom passed on Bledsoe in the first two rounds of the draft.

Remaining Unsigned Free Agents Donated To Milwaukee Brewers
MILWAUKEE, WI-The Milwaukee Brewers received a late Christmas present this week as the league voted to donate several unsigned players to the struggling franchise. “In light of their recent patheticness and inability to sign even the least significant player, the league has decided to lend a helping hand,” read a press release from the MLB front office. “In the spirit of Christmas, all thirty Major League Teams, as well as the Commissioner, have OK’d a plan to offer assistance to the needy – namely, the Brewers.” Karim Garcia, Ben Petrick, Trevor Miller, and Russell Branyon were among the names being shipped to Milwaukee. Several more were also included, but at least four of them were said to have committed suicide upon hearing the news. It is not known if the Brewers will be compensated for those players.

Report: Some Professional Athletes May Not Own Escalades
NEW YORK-A recent report released by The Sporting News alleges that, despite popular perception, some professional athletes may not own Cadillac Escalade SUVs. The news comes as a shock to sports fans around the nation, as well as some athletes, who are puzzled over the refusal of some of their colleagues to purchase one of the popular, luxurious vehicles. “That’s insane. I don’t even know how to react to that,” said the Washington Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas. “Personally, I’ve never seen any professional athlete driving anything other than an Escalade, so I don’t even know if this is true. But if it is…what are they waiting for? These trucks are garish, obnoxious, overpriced, oversized, and attention-getting. Who wouldn’t want one?”