ARLINGTON , TX —Keith Foulke, closer for the Boston Red Sox, enjoyed a career day on Sunday. The 30-year-old allowed a single, double, triple and home run against the Texas Rangers, pitching for the cycle for the first time in his career. Afterwards, he said the moment was “bittersweet.” “Well I guess it’s neat that I pitched for the cycle,” said Foulke. “But on the other hand, it’s not really a good thing to blow and save and give up all those base hits. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I keep throwing that 87 mph fastball down the middle of the plate and people keep hitting it. Maybe I should try to avoid throwing it directly at the barrel of the bat. Then again, if it wasn’t for my shoddy control, I never would’ve pitched for the cycle. So I guess it’s a mixed blessing.”
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LOUISVILLE , KY —A man visiting ESPN.com was inspired to join the US army after an exciting pop-up window reminded him of the army’s existence. The man, Paul Granger, of Louisville , went directly to the nearest recruitment office to enlist. He is leaving for boot camp next month. “I’m so pumped about joining the army and being an army of one,” said Granger, 22. “I never really thought about it before, but after seeing that pop-up ad I really want to go help protect our freedoms. There are so many different things you can do in the army-- computer programming, journalism, basket weaving. That ad totally changed my life. Thank God the pop-up blocker I spent fifty bucks on doesn’t work.”
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CONEY ISLAND , NY —The world famous Coney Island hot dog eating contest that takes place each 4 th of July was followed this year by a vomiting contest. Several contestants threw up after eating so many hot dogs and were joined by audience members, who threw up after watching them eat so many hot dogs. “Oh my God that was so gross,” said 22-year-old Tiffany Dinkins, who projectile vomited all over herself after watching the grotesque showing. “Did you see that fat guy with all the stuff coming out of his mouth and dripping down his chin. That was hideous. And how about that little Japanese women? Oh my God, she had about eight hot dogs crammed in her mouth at the same time. The whole thing was—uh oh. Here we go again.”
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