Belichick’s Wife Gets Toaster Oven In Divorce Settlement
METHUEN , MA --After months of tedious and grueling negotiations, Bill Belichick’s wife Deb walked away from their 30-year marriage with a toaster oven. She and her lawyer initially demanded half of everything, but gave up after the Patriots coach refused to budge from his own stance. “Bill just doesn’t give an inch. He’s always been like that,” she said. “I knew I wasn’t going to get everything I asked for but I was hoping for a little something. He was tenacious from the start, though. He had it all worked out that he would get everything and I would get nothing. Though to be fair, I did get this toaster oven. It’s broken though. Bill smashed it before he gave it to me, just because he felt like it.”

Latino World Cup Teams To Be Consolidated
NEW YORK —In the interest of alleviating an awful lot of confusion, all six Latino teams scheduled to play in the baseball world cup will be consolidated into one. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig made the announcement today and said that it “made sense for everyone involved.” “We will be consolidating all the Latino world cup teams into one team,” Selig told reporters at a press conference. “This will make it easier for us to keep track of the players and organize the rosters. As we all know, there are many great players in the Latin world. Places like Venezuela , Panama , Mexico , and Puerto Rico are all baseball powers, and they are all basically interchangeable. So why not have one ‘super team?’ It’ll certainly save us a lot of confusion and paperwork.”

Fans To Continue Boycotting NHL Until Season Starts
DETROIT , MI --The NHL players and owners may have reached an agreement to end the lockout, but that doesn’t mean they’re off the hook with the fans. In fact, many fans still have not forgiven the NHL and have vowed to boycott the league right up until the moment the 2005 season begins. This tough stance is expected to send a message to greedy owners and players that fans are not to be taken for granted. “These greedy bastards. All they care about is the almighty dollar,” said Detroit resident Gene Wikowski, a longtime Red Wings fan. “It was disgusting how little regard they showed for the sports and for the fans that pay their salaries. We have to stand up for ourselves and send a message loud and clear that we won’t take it anymore! We should have plenty of time to do that in the next couple months before the season starts.”

Kerry Wood Makes Triumphant Return To Disabled List
CHICAGO —The Cubs Kerry Wood made his triumphant return to the disabled list yesterday, ending a long three-week absence that had many wondering if he’d ever go back. The reason for his return was his right shoulder, which has been bothering him for over a year. Woods told reporters he was happy to be back. “Hey, it’s nice to be here again,” Wood said. “I miss the DL. It’s fun. A lot of people said I wouldn’t be back, but I proved the naysayers wrong . You just can’t count me out. This time I might just stay on it the whole season. The next season when everyone thinks I’m healthy, I’ll come right back home to the D.L. One thing I pride myself on is my consistency.”

Hockey Players Back To Being Blue Collar Again
TORONTO --Hockey purists were delighted to learn about the new NHL collective bargaining agreement, which heavily favored the owners. With a 24 percent reduction in player salaries combined with a rigid salary cap, hockey player have now returned to their gritty, blue-collar roots. Union head Bob Goodenow boasted about the NHL’s hip, new “retro” look. “This is the hockey that you and I grew up with,” Goodenow said in a press conference announcing the new CBA. “Our players are once again the lowest paid of any professional sports league in America , including soccer. We’re a blue collar league, a bunch of Joe Lunchpails.

Phil Nevin’s Family Fucks Up Trade To Baltimore
SAN DIEGO— The family of San Diego Padres first baseman Phil Nevin is being blasted by team officials, fans, and the media for ruining a trade that would have sent Nevin to the Baltimore Orioles for pitcher Sidney Ponson. Nevin, who has a no trade claus, told the team he was rejecting the trade for “family reasons.” “Oh, well I guess the Nevins are just too good for the city of Baltimore ,” said Orioles GM Jim Beattie. “What a bunch of arrogant, elitist pricks. We’re trying to run a ballclub here. I know for sure that Phil Nevin would’ve been happy to play on our team but his asshole family had to butt in and ruin everything. Thanks a lot people, and go to hell.”