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MILWAUKEE--Twitter, the revolutionary social networking service that is gaying up the whole country, is now gaying up the NBA as well. Not only are several players “tweeting” in their personal lives, some are doing so during games, including Milwaukee’s Charlie Villanueva, who sent a tweet to fans during halftime of Sunday’s game against the Celtics. Villanueva’s coach, Scott Skiles, was not pleased with his players’ use of the gay-ass... Full Article

College Hoops Fans Protest Duke’s Inclusion In Tournament

DURHAM, NC--The release of the NCAA tournament bracket brought about the usual amount of bickering and debate from the nation’s college hoops fans, but one team’s inclusion spawned a widespread public outcry: the Duke Blue Devils.
Across the nation, fans decried what many believed to be a grave injustice. “I can’t believe they let the Dukies into the tournament,” said one message board poster. “Duke sucks. Full Article


	NIT Enjoys Yet Another Controversy-Free Selection Process
	NEW YORK--The NIT Selection Committee enjoyed another controversy-free selection process on Sunday, unveiling the tournament bracket to a resounding chorus of nothing at all. Committee chair C.M. Newton attributed the lack of public outcry to the “fair and balanced” way they select the teams. “Obviously the public is very satisfied with the way we go about our business,” said Newton. “If you look at the March Madness tourney, you’re going to see a lot of controversy and anger every year. But not us. I think that’s a testament to how good we are at this.” Newton noted that his team spent all night Saturday poring over the possible entrants to make sure no deserving team was excluded. Even when there was disagreement among the committee members, the matter was resolved in a professional manner. “We were up all night going back and forth about who should be in and who should be out,” Newton said. “There were a couple disagreements. Rudy [Davalos] didn’t think Northwestern should get in there, based on their record, but Reggie [Minto] did. After some spirited debate, Rudy acquiesced, citing the fact that it was late and he didn’t actually give a shit.” In further evidence of the effectiveness of the NIT committee, their brackets were received by the media without the slightest hint of the anger or protest that usually greets the “big” tournament bracket “I always laugh when ESPN reveals the NCAA brackets to the public and this huge, angry, irrational debate springs out of it,” said Newton. “They spent hours screaming about it on ESPN. Dick Vitale and Jay Bilas almost came to blows. Nice job, selection committee! Meanwhile, when ours came out, Trey Wingo simply took a moment from blabbing about march madness to hold a PDF of our bracket up to the camera and then tossed it aside. Talk about low maintenance. We rule!”

Departing ESPN Ombudsman To Never Watch ESPN Again

BRISTOL, CT--After two years as ESPN’s ombudsman, columnist Lee Anne Schreiber’s tenure is coming to an end. In her final column, Schreiber admitted that she would never watch the Worldwide Leader in Sports again.
“Well I’m glad that’s over,” Schreiber said. “It was an interesting two years, but I think I’ve had my fill of ESPN. Enough already. If I never hear the word ‘ESPN’ again it will be too soon. To the fans who wrote me, I think we both know that nothing you or I ever complain about is going to change anything. I recommend finding another worldwide leader to get your sports news from, or simply getting your priorities straight and abandoning this bullshit altogether.”

North Dakota State Overlooked Despite Jay Bilas’ Warning

NEW YORK--On Sunday, ESPN’s Jay Bilas issued a dire warning “not to overlook the North Dakota Bisons” in the NCAA tournament. Despite that, the Kansas Jayhawks, who will square off against the Bisons on Friday, said they do indeed plan to overlook the 14th ranked underdog.
“Oh yes, we’re going to overlook them,” said coach Bill Self. “That goes without saying. The Bisons, while a nice little story, are not nearly good enough to beat us, even if we don’t bring our ‘A’ game. So I’ve told my guys to relax and start thinking about our next opponent. No disrespect to Jay Bilas of course. Normally I do everything he says but this team is just too crappy to take seriously.”
Self said he is preparing for this week’s game by showing his team tape of teams they may face in the next round.

Broncos Owner Puts House On Market

DENVER--In an ominous move that raised eyebrows around the NFL, Broncos owner Pat Bowlen put his own house on the market, just days after disgruntled quarterback Jay Cutler put his house on the market. The move suggests the current Cutler-McDaniels fiasco will not end well. “For Pat Bowlen to be putting his house on the market, something must really be wrong,” said NFL.com’s Pat Kirwan. “It was one thing when Cutler did it, because we know he wants to be traded, but nobody is sure what to make of this. I guess Pat just doesn’t think things are going to work out too well. Either that or he thinks it’s going to work out fine and just wants to be as far away from his front office people as possible. That actually makes more sense. I’d like to be far away from them too. I won’t even get on a plane that flies over Colorado.”

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