The Brushback.com - All the sports news that's fit to print

As you may have noticed, the Brushback is now being updated on a semi-weekly basis, and this is one of the weeks I'm not updating.

(note: apparently "semi-weekly" means twice a week. What I meant to say is "most weeks but I'll be skipping some here and there, with no discernible pattern.")

Keith Van Horn Promises To Bring Championship To New Jersey

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ--Newly acquired Net Keith Van Horn arrived in New Jersey today, where he made a promise to the throng of fans and media who greeted him that he would bring an NBA championship to the state of New Jersey. “It’s great to be a New Jersey Net,” Van Horn said to the crowd outside the Izod Center. “I’m really looking forward to doing what I was brought here to do: win a championship. Full Article


	Brewers Not All That Distracted By Gagne’s Steroid Use
	PHOENIX--Brewers pitcher Eric Gagne apologized to his new team over the weekend for the distraction caused by his past steroid use, saying it “shouldn’t be taking place.” His teammates responded by saying it was not a problem since they weren’t really distracted anyway. “Distracted? Why would we be distracted by some alleged PED use by a pitcher who just joined the team five minutes ago?” asked pitcher Ben Sheets. “I never even thought about Gagne until somebody said his name popped up in the Mitchell Report, and even then it barely registered. Believe me, the last thing I’m thinking about this spring is Eric's past use of HGH. I’ve got my own problems to think about. I can barely stay healthy. Which reminds me: does that stuff really work?”
	Many established sportsbooks have started to offer poker online in recent years. sportsbook poker is a prime example of this, with sports betting and horse betting, as well as online poker and casino, on its repertoire. The site is one of the few still open to poker players from the U.S.
	*Sports Illustrated* Editor Fabricates Letters Complaining About Raciness Of Swimsuit Issue
	NEW YORK--Terry Bauer, associate editor for Sports Illustrated, fabricated several fake letters recently from readers complaining about the raciness of the annual swimsuit issue. “Unfortunately we didn’t get a high volume of complaint letters this year,” said Bauer. “We haven’t gotten them for a few years now. So that’s why I’ve taken to writing um…fake ones, you know, to spice things up. Check this out: ‘I am appalled at your recent swimsuit issue. These girls are too scantily clad! I protest!' And here's another: 'I'm calling my women's rights group and we're going to boycott your magazine because of the scandalous content of the swimsuit issue!' And so on. You get the point. I have to do this. The only people who still find this damn thing scandalous are Islamic extremists, and even they're like 'Eh. This is all airbrushed.'"

Belichick Insists He Only Used HGH To Recover From Injury
FOXBORO, MA--In a rare interview with The Boston Globe, Patriots coach Bill Belichick insisted that he used human growth hormone in 2001 to recover from a shoulder injury rather than to gain a competitive advantage. Belichick was named by former trainer Brian McNamee as one of several sports figures who used HGH. Full Article

Cavaliers No Longer Pretending To Be Interested In Mike Bibby
CLEVELAND--Cavaliers GM Danny Ferry expressed disappointment this week after the Kings’ Mike Bibby was traded to the Atlanta Hawks, ending the Cavaliers long running faux-pursuit of the 29-year-old guard. With Bibby off the market, the Cavaliers will have to find another player to pretend to be interested in. Full Article

Joey Harrington Gives Falcons Defensive Lineman In Mock Draft
ATLANTA--In his fourth annual mock draft, Falcons quarterback Joey Harrington opted to give his team a defensive lineman, Glenn Dorsey, over one of several quarterbacks available. Harrington believes that Dorsey brings the “attitude and intangibles” that a rookie quarterback can't. Full Article

Buy several copies of this book.

NBA To Add Judges To Three-Point Contest Next Year
NEW YORK--NBA commissioner David Stern announced today that next year’s three-point contest will, for the first time, feature judges. Instead of simply tallying the amount of shots each player makes, the winner will be determined by the judges’ score.
“It’s a really fun way to mix it up,” Stern told reporters. “We’ll have a panel of former NBA stars judging each shooter and holding up scores at the end. Those scores will be determined by creativity, shooting motion, confidence, hair, and height. The winner gets a Toyota. Why are we doing this? Because it gives us an excuse to stick five famous people in chairs and film them. That’s pretty much it.”

©2008 The Brushback.com® All rights reserved. The Brushback is a satire site. None of the features or stories on this site are real. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. All quotes are fictional and any similarity to actual quotes is coincidental.

Under Armour Guy’s Blood Now 78 Percent Steroids

Chris Long Keeps Accidentally Referring To Himself As Jake

Danika Patrick Reveals She’s Still Alive In New Swimsuit Issue

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