First Born’s College Education Depending On River Card
LAS VEGAS --Ron Bianco silently prayed for good luck yesterday as he waited for a Binion’s Casino dealer to show him the “River card,” or the final card in a hand of Texas hold ‘em. This River card was particularly meaningful to Bianco, since he had just pushed his first born son’s college education fund into the middle of the table in hopes of winning big. Witnesses reported seeing Bianco sweating and shaking as the dealer reached for the card. " Whoa, that was exciting! I love Texas hold ‘em,” said one witness, who was part of a crowd of onlookers watching the game. “It’s just like it is on TV. This Ron guy went all-in because he had a pair of nines. Then it turned out another guy at the table had a pair of tens. So then Ron guy had to pray that the River card was a nine so he could get a three of a kind. Otherwise his kid wouldn’t be going to college. Well as it turned out, the river card was a six. The guy was crying uncontrollably, but it was great fun for the rest of us. I think I may give this Texas hold em’ thing a try.”

Anonymous Source Inducts Peter Gammons into Hall Of Fame
COOPERSTOWN , NY --Peter Gammons, noted baseball writer and television personality, was inducted into the hall of fame on Sunday in an emotional ceremony in Cooperstown , NY . Prior to his speech, Gammons was formerly inducted by an anonymous MLB source.“Today we honor Peter Gammons, a legend that has been covering baseball brilliantly since the early 70’s,” the source reported. “His love for the game and his enthusiasm for his work are second to none. His name is synonymous with baseball and it is my humble honor to induct him into the baseball hall of fame. Peter, welcome home.” Afterward, the source reported that the Orioles may make a run at Johnny Damon next year.

Rosenhaus Launches Lucrative Drowning-Child-Saving Business
MIAMI --One week after heroically saving a child from drowning at a Miami hotel swimming pool, sports agent Drew Rosenhaus is launching a brand new, multi-million dollar drowning-child-saving business. The new business, called “Rosenhaus KidSavers Inc” will be based in Miami and provide premium life-saving services to children under 12 at a “fair and reasonable” price. “This is going to be huge. We’re going to revolutionize the art of pulling a child out of the water and giving him CPR,” said Rosenhaus. “I’ve always said I was a shark, but instead of eating your children, I’ll be saving them.” According to Rosenhaus, the fee for rescuing a drowning child will be five percent of the child’s future earnings.