First Born’s College Education Depending On River Card
LAS VEGAS --Ron Bianco silently prayed for good luck yesterday as he waited for a Binion’s Casino dealer to show him the “River card,” or the final card in a hand of Texas hold ‘em. This River card was particularly meaningful to Bianco, since he had just pushed his first born son’s college education fund into the middle of the table in hopes of winning big. Witnesses reported seeing Bianco sweating and shaking as the dealer reached for the card. " Whoa, that was exciting! I love Texas hold ‘em,” said one witness, who was part of a crowd of onlookers watching the game. “It’s just like it is on TV. This Ron guy went all-in because he had a pair of nines. Then it turned out another guy at the table had a pair of tens. So then Ron guy had to pray that the River card was a nine so he could get a three of a kind. Otherwise his kid wouldn’t be going to college. Well as it turned out, the river card was a six. The guy was crying uncontrollably, but it was great fun for the rest of us. I think I may give this Texas hold em’ thing a try.”

Anonymous Source Inducts Peter Gammons into Hall Of Fame
COOPERSTOWN , NY --Peter Gammons, noted baseball writer and television personality, was inducted into the hall of fame on Sunday in an emotional ceremony in Cooperstown , NY . Prior to his speech, Gammons was formerly inducted by an anonymous MLB source.“Today we honor Peter Gammons, a legend that has been covering baseball brilliantly since the early 70’s,” the source reported. “His love for the game and his enthusiasm for his work are second to none. His name is synonymous with baseball and it is my humble honor to induct him into the baseball hall of fame. Peter, welcome home.” Afterward, the source reported that the Orioles may make a run at Johnny Damon next year.

Rosenhaus Launches Lucrative Drowning-Child-Saving Business
MIAMI --One week after heroically saving a child from drowning at a Miami hotel swimming pool, sports agent Drew Rosenhaus is launching a brand new, multi-million dollar drowning-child-saving business. The new business, called “Rosenhaus KidSavers Inc” will be based in Miami and provide premium life-saving services to children under 12 at a “fair and reasonable” price. “This is going to be huge. We’re going to revolutionize the art of pulling a child out of the water and giving him CPR,” said Rosenhaus. “I’ve always said I was a shark, but instead of eating your children, I’ll be saving them.” According to Rosenhaus, the fee for rescuing a drowning child will be five percent of the child’s future earnings.

Marino Rips Teammates, Family In Hall Of Fame Speech
MIAMI --Former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino used his hall of fame enshrinement speech to viciously rip his friends and family. As the audience watched in horror, Marino berated his wife and son and called his teammates “useless.” “I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I hate everyone I’ve ever played with,” Marino said during his speech Sunday. “It’s been a nightmare having to carry all of you for my entire career. I hope you appreciate it. And to my family, thank you soooo much for supporting me. You really did a great job of spending my money while I risked my life on the football field. Thanks for nothing. God, how did I become a hall of famer surrounded by such losers?”

Bowling Tournament Raises $68 For Breast Cancer
EVERGREEN, AL --A local bowling tournament raised $68 for breast cancer Saturday night. The money was immediately sent in check form to the National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF) to be used in the fight against breast cancer. Edna Herbert, the hero who organized the event, said that it was a “roaring success” and that it shattered last year’s record of $63. “It feels good to give something back to the community,” said Herbert, 67, who’s impressive resume also includes donating two dozen cans of lima beans to a local food drive. “Breast cancer is such a worthy cause. It’s great to join the battle against it.” Next month Herbert plans to organize a bake sale to raise money for the Tsunami relief effort.

Cream of Wheat Officials Thank Radio Host For Free Plug
SAN FRANCISCO --Officals from Kraft Foods Inc publicly thanked embatlled talk radio host Larry Krueger for the free plug he gave them during his racist diatribe on San Francisco ’s KNBR. Krueger called the team’s sluggers “a bunch of brain dead Carribeans” then stated that manager Felipe Alou’s had “turned to Cream of Wheat.” The comments have made healines around the country. “We really appreicate Mr. Krueger’s including Cream of Wheat in his racist rant about Carribean players,” said Don Glockman, marketing director for Kraft Foods. “As you know, Cream of Wheat is the nation’s leading wheat germ-based hot cereal product and Mr. Krueger helped increase our brand recogntion. You can’t put a price on that kind of publicity. Thanks, Larry.” Glockman also noted that, sadly, if someone’s brain did turn to Cream of Wheat, he or she would probably die instantly.

Jets Thinking Super Bowl For Patriots
NEW YORK--With the addition of all-pro cornerback Ty Law and a healthy Chad Pennington, the feeling around New York Jets camp is that this may be the year—for the New England Patriots to three-peat. Coach Herm Edwards is confident that his young team will be competitive week in and week out, and will ultimately lose to a much better Patriots team. “Our motto this year is quite simple: Why not the Patriots?” said coach Herm Edwards. “Sure, winning three Super Bowls in a row is rare, but I think they have the talent to do it. There are a lot of naysayers out there, and a lot of people who think the loss of Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis puts them at a disadvantage, but we don’t pay attention to what the doubters say. We know the Pats can do it. As for us, we will compete, and that’s all I can ask from any team--especially one coached by me.”

Mastercard Voice-Over Guy To Be Executed On Pay-Per-View Special
LOS ANGELES--John Wallace, the voice behind Mastercard’s “Priceless” ad campaign, will be executed on a pay-per-view special to be aired October 11 th. The long awaited execution will put a stop to the incessant commercials while silencing forever Price’s irritating, smug little voice. The event is expected to bring in over $50 million. “If there’s one thing every American has in common, it’s our undying hatred for those Mastercard commercials,” said Richard Tomkins, of Tomkins Entertainment, the event’s organizer . “That’s why people are lining up to experience the visceral thrill of seeing the voice behind those commercials placed in front of a firing squad. Bring the whole family. Wouldn’t that be ironic? Popcorn: $5. Soda: $3. Pay-per-view cost: $49.95. Seeing the Mastercard voice-over guy executed on live TV: Priceless.”