Iraqis Apparently Haven’t Learned Anything From NHL Lockout
BAGDAD--In the aftermath of weeks of bargaining, Iraqi constitution writers submitted a final draft that is heavily favored towards the country’s Shiite majority. The Sunnis have openly rejected the deal, setting the stage for a showdown at an October referendum. The inability to forge a compromise made it clear that the Iraqis have learned nothing from the disastrous NHL lockout. “Weren’t these guys paying attention all year while the NHL practically destroyed itself with a lock out?” asked Pardon the Interruption’s Tony Kornheiser. “I thought after that we would never again have a situation where two sides couldn’t come to an agreement on something that would benefit them both. Even the NBA was able to come up with a compromise in the eleventh hour to avoid an impasse. Maybe these Iraqis should spend more time watching Sportscenter and less time trying to rebuild their country.”

Drew Henson Wondering If Yankees Still Need Third Baseman
DALLAS--Cowboys quarterback Drew Henson, who is struggling to win the backup job being Tony Romo, is now openly wondering if the Yankees still need a third baseman. Henson spent time in the Yankees minor league system playing third base before making the switch to football. With his struggles this preseason, Henson believes he chose the wrong sport. “I guess maybe football isn’t for me,” Henson told reporters after practice yesterday. “I’ve tried and I’ve failed. That’s all there is to it. You know what I really miss? Baseball. The smell of the grass. The crack of the bat. The roar of the crowd. I wonder if the Yankees still need a third basemen. I know the have A-Rod already, but they might want to groom someone to take his place some day. I don’t mind being a backup. I’m used to it.”

French Admit They’re Just Obsessed With Urine
PARIS--French cycling officials, who have tested Lance Armstrong’s urines dozens of times over the years, finally came clean and admitted they’re just obsessed with urine. The formal admission was made by Tour de France director Jean-Marie LeBlanc in the upcoming issue of the French newspaper L’Equipe. “We French people are really obsessed with urine. We can’t get enough of it,” LeBlanc said. “For some reason we all get a great deal of enjoyment out of handling and analyzing piss. It’s great. I have a jar of it over my fireplace. I have some in the fridge, too. I store it in there. But like I said, it’s not just me. It’s all of us. So if anyone here wants to pee in a cup and give it to me, feel free. I’ll be happy to test it for steroids—or just hold onto it.”

Loser To Get Latest Fantasy News E-mailed To Him
OMAHA, NE--Barry Elderidge, 35-year-old loser, has signed up to get the latest fantasy news emailed to him by NFL.com. The service will provide Elderidge with up-to-the-minute news alerts about the latest injuries, transactions, and predictions from around the league. Since signing up, Elderidge has spent the bulk of his work days hitting the “refresh” button on his email, waiting for word from NFL.com. “For a fantasy freak like me, this is like a dream come true,” said Elderidge, a resident of Omaha, NE and participant in three different fantasy football leagues. “Now if one of my guys gets hurt or he gets traded or he moves down the depth chart, I’m getting an email notification almost instantaneously. It gives me a head start on the rest of the guys in my league who have to get their news the old fashioned way—by manually visiting the website.” Elderidge tried replying to an email alert last week when he was “really bored,” but his reply was returned as undeliverable.

Ty Law Disappointed About Upcoming Leg Injury
NEW YORK--Jets cornerback Ty Law told the New York Post today that he was “disappointed” about the leg injury he will suffer midway through the 2005 season. The injury will force him to miss the second half of the year and have surgery in the offseason. “It’s tough, you know, when you’ve worked this hard to have a setback,” said Law, who recently signed a multi-year deal with the Jets. “But injuries are a part of the game. I’ll just have to take care of myself and get back into playing shape so I can contribute next year. It’s too bad because I really thought we had a chance this year to win the wild card and then get knocked out in the first round. Oh well. Maybe next year.”

Bush Outraged At Condition Of Superdome Luxury Boxes
NEW ORLEANS--President Bush took a tour of the storm-ravaged city of New Orleans yesterday, and one of his stops was the Superdome. The facility, which was used as a shelter for hurricane survivors, is in a state of ruin, covered in trash and human excrement. But what outraged the President the most was the “abhorrent” condition of the Superdome’s luxury boxes. “I’ve been all around this city, but the one thing that will stick in my mind is the horrific condition of those beautiful and expensive corporate luxury boxes,” Bush said at a press conference at Louis Armstrong airport. “These boxes are owned and used by some of our nation’s finest corporations, and they were littered with paper cups and discarded food wrappers. What a shocking lack of respect shown by the evacuees. The fact that they were allowed to leave without cleaning out the luxury boxes in totally unacceptable.I demand a full investigation.”

Ravens Offensive Coordinator Had No Idea What He Was Getting Himself Into
BALTIMORE--Jim Fassel, the new offensive coordinator for the Baltimore Ravens, had no idea what he was getting himself into when he accepted the job, sources reported Tuesday. While Fassel was aware of the team’s offensive struggle’s, their sheer level of ineptitude has shocked and saddened him. “Oh my God. I…I had no idea,” Fassel said after the team’s embarassing 24-7 loss to the Indianapolis Colts. “This is surreal. Did you see the throws that Kyle Boller was making? What the fuck? I thought if we simplified the offense for him things would get better. But it can’t get any more simple than it is. Hand-off, hand-off, hand-off, short pass. That’s it. We couldn’t even get that right. Oh well, at least we’ve got Brian Billick as our head coach. The guy is an offensive mastermind.”

Astrodome Locker Room Still Sort Of Smells Like Nolan Ryan
HOUSTON--Displaced Gulf Coast residents staying at the Astrodome have reported a strange, pungeant odor in the locker room area. While nobody knows for sure the source of the smell, a former Astrodome worker claims that it’s the lingering odor left over by Astros great Nolan Ryan. “Oh yea, that’s Nolan Ryan, alright. I recognize that smell anywhere,” said Pete Driscoll, who worked at the Astrodome from 1973 to 1990 and is now volunteering there with the Red Cross. “It’s been there ever since he played here. I don’t know why it’s so persistant. They just never figured out a way to get rid of it. After a while, you just stop noticing.”

Nobody Seems To Give A Shit That Barry Bonds Is Back
SAN FRANCISCO--Despite overwhelming media coverage and his historic chase of Hank Aaron’s home run record, nobody seems to give a shit that Barry Bonds has returned to the San Francisco Giants starting lineup. Bonds hit a double and led his team to a victory in his first night back, not that anyone outside of San Francisco would care to know that. “I keep hearing that Barry Bonds is back,” said Walt Parish, 32, of San Diego. “I didn’t even know he left. I don’t follow the Giants very much. He’s chasing some kind of home run record, right? Yea, I really don’t care about that. It doesn’t affect me in the least. Nobody I know really gives a shit, either. The media seems to be really excited about it, though. I think at this point they’re just entertaining themselves.”

Houston Looking Awfully Good To Carlos Beltran Right Now
HOUSTON--As his New York Mets play out a string of meaningless games, outfielder Carlos Beltran often finds himself thinking about what might have been. Beltran turned down a generous contract offer from the Astros to come to New York, where he has struggled mightily under the glare of the media spotlight. With the Astros in the midst of a thrilling pennant race, Beltran admitted to having some regrets. “Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking,” Beltran said. “Why did I leave a great situation like the one I had in Houston to come here for a few million extra bucks? Now they’re in a pennant race. That could be me. I could be getting standing ovations right now. I’d be the darling of the city. Instead I’m sitting here in this dumpy stadium getting killed by the media every day. Thanks a lot, Scott Boras! I hope you’re enjoying your new yacht.”

Wide Receiver Insists He Was Not Interfered With
CINCINNATI--Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson was infuriated Sunday when a phantom pass interference was called on Minnesota safety Corey Chavous, giving his team an automatic first down. He pleaded with referees to pick the flag up, in accordance with the honor system. “What? What are you doing? I wasn’t interfered with!” screamed Johnson after the flag was thrown. “That’s bullshit. That is fucking bullshit. Didn’t you see what happened? I went up for the ball but he had tight coverage on me. Sure, there was contact, but it was incidental. We were both going for the ball. Please, pick up that flag. I will not accept a first down under false pretenses.” The referee refused to pick up the flag, and the penalty stood. Johnson has reportedly filed a complaint with the league.

Budweiser Targets Tailgaters With New Meat-Flavored Beer
ST LOUIS, MO--In an effort to reach out to the millions of Americans who tailgate every Sunday during NFL season, Budweiser has unveiled a new product: meat-flavored beer. The new beverage will be sold at stadiums across the country starting next month, and Budweiser expects huge profits. “Bud Meat is really a revolutionary concept,” said Greg Philbur, vice-president of product development for Budweiser. “We’re taking the yummy taste of meat, which tailgaters love, and combining it with the intoxicating effects of beer. The idea, of course, is to eliminate the need for cooking at football games. You can now get all your meat-like substances from a can, you disgusting pigs.”

Cleverly-Worded Sign Shows Eli Manning Error Of His Ways
SAN DIEGO--Giants quarterback Eli Manning was shown the error of his ways Sunday night after seeing a hand painted sign in the stands of Qualcomm field that insinuated he was a crybaby. The sign, held up by an unidentified female fan, read “Waaaa. Go home, crybaby. You’re daddy’s little girl!” Underneath the vicious caption was a crude drawing of a baby’s pacifier. “Wow, that was rough. That sign in particular really hit home.” Mannning asked, as he sat in front of his locker shaking his head. “I think that person was implying that I am too dependant on my father for support and would be better off making decisions indepentently. That’s a good point, I guess. My father was too involved in my contract negotiations. Man, what was I thinking? I really blew it. I should be a San Diego Charger right now.”

New Orleans Seeking Diversion From Watching Saints
NEW ORLEANS, LA--New Orleans residents, bruised, battered, and weary, are looking for a brief respite from the heartbreak of watching the Saints. Some are turning off their teleivisons, some are avoiding newspapers and the internet, all to stop thinking about the horror of the Saints season. “The past two weeks have been just so full of sadness and despair,” said Clarice Jackson, 42, a nurse. “There’s a pall over the whole city, and it’s all because of the Saints. They just can’t do anything right. They’re as sloppy as ever. Oh, I’m just so tired of thinking about it. It’s really dragging me down.” Unfortunately, things are going to get worse before they get better. The New Orleans Hornets season officially begins November 12th.