The Brushback Briefs

LeAnn Rimes Clearly Not Wearing Panties During National Anthem
PHILADELPHIA, PA-LeAnn Rimes, pop superstar, clearly was not wearing panties during her stirring rendition of the National Anthem at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia. Dozens of players on both teams observed that Rimes had no panty line whatsoever. ”She’s definitely not wearing panties,” said Todd Pinkston of the Eagles. “Look, you would see some kind of line or something wouldn’t you?” Even the commentators, Al Michael’s and John Madden, couldn’t help but notice. Said Michaels: “Stirring rendition of the national anthem by LeAnn Rimes, even more so because you can see a little camel toe. Wow. Come to daddy. Do you believe in miracles? Yes I do.”

Baylor University Ranked 5,323rd Best Party School In The Nation
WACO, TX-The trials and tribulations for Baylor University continued today as the University lost its spot on the Top Ten Party School's list and plummeted down to number 5,323. The school came in second to last place, just ahead of Our Lady Of Constant Sorrows Seminary School, and trailing such schools as Union City Cement Mixing Vocational College and Islamic Fundamentalist Academy Of Perpetual Jihad. The irony is, despite the fact that Baylor is no longer a top party school, the amount of alcohol consumption has risen dramatically. “I know it’s not a party school,” slurred sophomore Jay Loewenstein. “But I’ve been drunk for about two weeks. I haven’t left my room.”

Bush Proposes Tax Cuts For Rich; NFL Sunday Ticket For Poor
WASHINGTON, DC-In a televised speech to the nation last night, the President laid out his plan to extend tax cuts to his wealthy friends, and placate the rest of the nation with non-stop football games. “My fellow Americans, as your leader I am rewarding my rich, corporate friends with even more tax cuts. And for the rest of your rabble – here, watch some football. It’ll provide you with a nice distraction while money is being taken from your pocket and you are slowly being enslaved by your corporate whoremasters.” Sean Hannity, Fox News political analyst, praised the speech on his show Hannity and Colmes “That speech was refreshingly honest, candid and brilliant,” Hannity exclaimed. “This is the kind of tough love that the poor people of America sorely need. Bravo, Mr. President.”

White Guy Inexplicably Named Karim Garcia
NEW YORK-Baseball fans, players, and members of the media expressed shock upon discovering that Karim Garcia, rightfielder for the New York Yankees, is actually white. “No, he’s not white. No way,” said Ron Molligan, Yankees fan. “Karim Garcia? Wow. That’s a new one.” Even players had a hard time putting the name with the face. “I didn’t know who he was,” said Torii Hunter of the Minnesota Twins. “I read that they picked up some guy named Karim Garcia, but I just didn’t make the connection. This guy looks like a truck driver from Topeka, not a Mexican.” Sources close to Garcia say he has no plans to change his name to help alleviate the confusion.

Guy Walking Around In Rick Mirer Shirt Actually Rick Mirer
SPOKANE, WA-According to a report by Gary Bauman of Spokane, WA, a guy spotted in a Spokane area shopping mall wearing a Rick Mirer shirt actually was Rick Mirer. “I haven’t seen a Rick Mirer shirt in ages,” recounted Bauer. “And I’m sort of a collector of all things Seahawks. So I went up to the guy to ask where he got it. Turns out, it actually was Rick Mirer. We talked for a while. He seemed like just a regular guy. Actually, he is just a regular guy. So that makes sense, I guess.”

Fucking Packers Fail To Cover Spread
CHULA VISTA, CA-The fucking Packers failed to cover the spread Sunday, said bookie Jay Knowles, of Chula Vista, CA. According to Knowles, Brett Favre is a washed up pussy-boy and Ahman Green is overrated. Plus, the bitch of it is, they had a chance to win the game in the last minute, but Favre had his head too far up his ass to notice Dexter Jackson waiting for the goddamn ball. In addition, Knowles reports that he is through betting on the fucking Packers, and is focusing his efforts on teams that have a set of balls and know how to cover a goddamn spread.