SAN FRANCISCO--According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Barry Bonds’ ATM password is 3856. The paper would not reveal its source, but reaction from the Bonds camp indicates that the story is accurate. Bonds’ attorney, Michael Rains, would not deny the report, but blasted the paper for invading his client’s privacy. “My client’s ATM password is his own business,” said Rains. “For this paper to publish that number in a national newspaper is deplorable. Don’t these people have anything better to report on than Barry Bonds?” A spokesman for the paper said that it uncovered the ATM password while investigating the Bonds’ alleged steroid use. “We found the number while we were doing some investigative reporting on the BALCO steroid scandal,” said editor Tom Rothstein. “We feel it’s the public’s right to know these things. Tomorrow we’ll be revealing the nickname he has for his penis.”
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PHOENIX, AZ--Cardinals coach Dennis Green will continue experimenting with his quarterback position Sunday by playing all three signal-callers simultaneously. The unprecedented move should help the coach get a better feel for which player should be starter. “The job is open to competition. I’m just waiting for someone to step up and seize the opportunity,” Green told reporters after practice on Thursday. “I’ve seen all of them individually but I have yet to see them in a three-quarterback formation. This should really force them to be creative and think on their feet. It’ll be a good way for them to practice evading pressure, too, since we’ll have two less offensive lineman.” If nothing is resolved on Sunday, Green is said to be considering having no quarterback at all for the following week.
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NEW YORK--According to the New York Post, Yankees GM Brian Cashman has completed a trade which will bring him a Randy Johnson rookie card in exchange for a Mark McGuire rookie card and cash considerations. The trade was made with Detroit Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski at last weekend’s winter meetings in Anaheim. “Dave and I have been talking for some time about that Randy Johnson rookie card,” said Cashman. “He was willing to move it but was looking for the right price. I gave him a nice Topps ’86 Mark McGuire rookie card and an undisclosed amount of cash. I think it was a good move for both of us. It really improves my collection and adds some much needed depth to Dave’s. All in all, I think it was a pretty even swap.” Dombrowski is also shopping a 1987 Donruss Limited Edition John Smoltz card, and a dozen Ken Griffery Jr. rookie cards. |
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HEAVEN--In an unusual and unprecedented move, God, Creator of the Universe, publicly demanded that professional athletes stop pointing at him when they score a touchdown, hit a home run, dunk a basketball, or perform other athletic feats. God explained that pointing is rude and that a deity like himself deserves better treatment. “Please, please stop pointing at me,” God said. “Do you know how rude that is? Jesus, every time someone does something on the field they have to stop and stick their little fingers in my face. It’s nice that your thinking of me, but I honestly couldn’t care less what you do on the field of play. Unlike your average sports fan, I’m not that easy to impress.” |
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CHICAGO, IL--Jay Freidman, a right-handed relief pitcher and Rule 5 draftee, reportedly has no idea what the Rule 5 draft is. The 28-year-old was selected in the draft last month by the White Sox and is headed to Chicago for a physical, though he’s not sure why. “My agent told me I was left unprotected in the Rule 5 draft, and the next thing I know I’m heading to Chicago,” said Freidman. “I don’t even know what the Rule 5 draft is. And why did they leave me unprotected? What did I ever do to them?” When reacted for comment, MLB officials said they didn’t know what the Rule 5 draft was either. |
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GREEN BAY, WI--Minnesota defender Corey Chavous admitted that he purposely allowed Brett Favre to score during Friday’s game out of respect for everything he has accomplished in his career. Chavous was standing at the goal line as Favre scampered towards him on a sneak, and politely stepped aside to let the legend score another touchdown. “Yea, I let him score,” said Chavous, whose team went on to lose 34-31. “I was getting ready to tackle him, and all of a sudden I looked at his face and thought about all the things that he has accomplished during his remarkable career. I thought about how much adversity he has overcome, and how he gives it everything he has day in and day out. Allowing him to score that touchdown was the least I could do. Thank you, Brett Favre.” |
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CINCINNATI, OH--The 7-8 Bengals celebrated a win against the New York Giants yesterday, but that’s not all they celebrated. With a good offense, an OK defense, and a fairly effective head coach, the Cincinnati Bengals celebrated the end of their long climb back to mediocrity. Head Coach Marvin Lewis lauded his team’s efforts in the locker room after the game. “You used to be the Bungles. You used to be the laughingstock of the league,” said Lewis. “You couldn’t play offense or defense. Now, after years of struggling to pick up the pieces, we have finally achieved mediocrity. Nobody talks about us much anymore. We’re not the subject of cruel jokes anymore. We’re just another decent, middle-of-the-road team that will be forgotten about the minute the regular season ends. And you should be proud of it, men. Congratulations! We’re mediocre!” |
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