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2004 was a trying season for the Carolina Panthers. The NFC champs got off to a 1-7 start and failed to make the playoffs one year after appearing in the Super Bowl. The biggest reason for their disappointing season was injuries, especially on offense. Things got so bad that for two weeks, Coach Fox was forced to start a white man at running back. “I’ve been forced to make some tough decisions in my life, but that was the toughest,” said Fox. “If you told me before the season that I would be forced to use a white guy as a featured back, I would’ve laughed in your face. But you know what the funny thing is? He did OK. I guess there really is parity in this league.”
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Last weekend, Continental Tire fans from across the nation made a pilgrimage to Bank of America Stadium in Charlotte , NC for the much-anticipated Continental Tire bowl. Decked out in the orange and black of their favorite corporation, they chanted slogans touting Continental’s superior products and high quality service. “Whooo! Continental Tire kicks ass!” shouted Tim McKay of Portland , OR . “I came all the way from Portland to see this! Seriously, these guys are, like, my favorite tire company and I wouldn’t miss this for anything. They have products for cars, trucks, SUV’s, even school buses! They’re so much better than those Goodyear faggots.” McKay went on to say that his favorite tires are ContiSportContact 2 and the ContiTrac SUV3.
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According to sources, ESPN’s new “Extreme Bass Fishing” is pretty much the same as regular bass fishing, except the competitors wear wrap-around sunglasses and shout a lot they catch a fish. The program will air Friday nights on ESPN2. “Extreme Bass Fishing is um…well, it’s a lot like regular bass fishing except more extreme,” said Shelly Stegemen, producer. “See, regular bass fishing doesn’t have a slamming heavy metal soundtrack and trash talking fisherman. It’s so boring. This is not your granddaddy’s fishing show, so if you can’t handle some hard-core, in-your-face fishing action with lots of attitude, then…. Oh, forget it. I can’t even do this anymore.” |
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The Seattle Seahawks rang in the new year in typical fashion Saturday, with their ceremonial ball dropping against the St. Louis Rams. Five passed were dropped in all, including one by Bobby Engram that would’ve sent the game into overtime. The ball droppings have become something of a tradition in Seattle. “Well, its disappointing to drop so many passes all the time,” said receiver Darren Jackson, whose drop resulted in an interception. “On the other hand it’s nice to be part of this tradition. A lot of great receivers have dropped passes for the Seahawks and now my name is right up there with them. I’m just going to go home, get some rest, and look forward to dropping more passes in 2005.”
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Marc Stein’s latest NBA power rankings were apparently so outrageous and controversial that they inspired readers to send hate mail. Stein reported receiving hundreds of angry letters, some of which were death threats, as a result of his decision to place the Memphis Grizzlies above the Sacramento Kings. “Jesus Christ, what is wrong with these people?” asked Stein as he sorted through his inbox. “I thought the Grizzlies had a good week so I put them at the 9 spot. There’s no need to send hate mail and death threats. It’s just a stupid list. It doesn’t mean anything. None of this really meanings anything, if you think about it. That’s why I don’t think about it.”
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Rockets center Yao Ming asked Suns forward Amare Stoudemire if he could grab a rebound during their game Wednesday night. Ming and Stoudemire were both standing under the basket when Phoenix’s Steve Nash pulled up for a jumper, prompting Ming to make the request. “Would you mind if I took this one?” asked Ming as the ball sailed through the air. “We really need it right now.”
Stoudemire refused, but later said that he was impressed with Ming’s manners. “He’s a very polite guy,” said Stoudamire. “A lot of centers would’ve just elbowed me out of the way and wrestled the ball down without even asking, but Yao’s different. I actually felt kind of bad taking it from him, but basketball is a cruel game.”
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Last week’s ESPN Sunday Night Football game was marred by a near disaster when the broadcast booth became flooded with Paul Maguire’s spit. Emergency crews raced to the scene and rescued Maguire, Joe Theisman, and Mike Patrick, before they were pulled under by the rising waters. “My God, that was terrifying,” said a visibly shaken Mike Patrick. “Paul always spits a lot when he talks but tonight he was in rare form. Every time he said ‘Culpepper’ the water levels rose a little more. At the start of the fourth quarter we were standing on our chairs, but nobody would help us because it was too disgusting. We were floating around with all this electrical equipment, afraid for our lives, when the rescue crews finally showed up.” In order to prevent the problem in the future, ESPN will install a state-of-the-art drainage system in the broadcast booth.
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Todd Pinkston of the Philadelphia Eagles made a memorable catch on Sunday while attempting to flee from a ball thrown by Donovan McNabb. The lanky receiver was running a route in the middle of the field when he noticed Vikings safety Willie Offord bearing down on him. At the same moment, the pass from McNabb was spiraling towards him, and Pinkston made a quick decision to break from his route and turn upfield in order to avoid the ball and the hit. Fortunately, McNabb’s pass was thrown slightly behind the spot Pinkston was supposed to be and hit the receiver right in the head, then bounced into his arms for a first down. “Sometimes, on the field of play you have to improvise,” Pinkston told reporters after the game. “I didn’t want to get hit, but I didn’t want to miss the pass either. So I stepped to the side and caught it with my head. Now that’s why I call ‘using your head,’ heh heh heh. Can I go now?”
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Local football fan Jim “Jimbo” Laramie, of Rochester was sent over the edge during CBS’s broadcast of the Colts-Patriots game on Sunday after the network aired its record-breaking 349 th trailer for the series Cold Case. Laramie’s rage caused him to pick up his hunting rifle and embark on a shooting spree that left 4 dead. “That’s it. If I see one more of these damn promos I’m going to kill someone,” Laramie noted as CBS reminded him for the umpteenth time that Cold Case would air that night on CBS as part of a stellar lineup that also included 60 Minutes and CSI: Miami. “Seriously, if I hear that voice-over again and see that pasty-faced bitch one more time, I’m taking that rifle and going nuts.” Laramie made good on his promise 10 seconds later, when the network aired another promo for the show. CBS officials had no comment except to say that next week’s Cold Case will feature a stunning twist that will leave you breathless.
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NEW YORK --Knicks coach Lenny Wilkins “resigned” on Saturday after a stretch that saw his team lose 9 out of 10 games. He met with team president Isiah Thomas, who “accepted” his “resignation” and thanked Wilkins for his service to the club. “I’m disappointed that Lenny ‘decided’ to leave the team, but I respect his ‘decision’ nonetheless,” said Thomas. “I know he gave it his all, but in the end he just ‘thought it was best’ to ‘quit’ the team. I certainly never would’ve fired the guy. I think he was doing a great job. I guess, in the end, Lenny just wanted to leave the game ‘on his own terms.’ You can’t fault a guy for that.”
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ATLANTA , GA --Antoine Walker’s shooting woes continued Thursday when his field goal percentage finally slipped into negative territory. Buoyed by a 3-13 night against the Boston Celtics, the percentage now stands at exactly -.433. Walker said he plans to keep shooting until he regains his stroke. “Balls aren’t really falling for me like I need them to,” he said. “It’s really just a matter of me staying focused and not losing my confidence. Having a negative field goal percentage is a little embarrassing, but it’s just a number. What I need to do is shoot it more often so I have a better chance of getting baskets. I also need to take wilder shots. I’ve been way too tame with my shot selection.” Walker went on to “guarantee” that his field goal percentage would be above zero by the end of the season.
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PITTSBURGH , PA --CBS football analyst Shannon Sharpe yelled really loud during Sunday’s Pats-Steelers pre-game show as a way to mask his utter cluelessness, sources reported. While Sharpe’s fellow panelists, Dan Marino and Boomer Esiason, were discussing who would win the upcoming game, the former tight end interrupted the exchange by standing up, draping a yellow towel over his head and shouting over his partners’ voices. “STEELERS, BABY! THE TERRIBLE TOWELS WILL REIGN! STEELERS WILL TAKE IT TO THE HOUSE!” Sharpe bellowed, masking the fact that he was making an uneducated guess. “YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! STEELERS ALL THE WAY.” Said Marino after the game: “Every time we try to have an intelligent debate, Shannon starts screaming over us. It’s like he’s got nothing to say and just needs some attention. I’m glad the season is ending. I don’t think I can pretend to like this guy any longer.”
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