OXFORD, OH--Highly touted high school linebacker David Grover of Camden, New Jersey signed a letter of intent yesterday to attend Miami University. The recruiter, assistant coach Craig Aukerman, neglected to tell Grover that he was signing with the Miami University Redhawks of Oxford, Ohio, and not the Miami Hurricanes, Grover’s favorite Division 1 football team. Afterward, Grover told reporters he was “living a dream.” “Ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted to go to Miami,” said Grover, “and now that dream is coming true! This guy named Craig came by my house in an old pickup truck, took me out to lunch at Applebee’s, and then told me that I was the number one guy on their list. Number one! Me! For the Miami Hurricanes! So naturally I didn’t hesitate to sign. He wouldn’t let go of the paper, though. He kept his thumb over the top of it while I was signing. Heh. I guess he was afraid the page would fly away or something and he’d lose me. Calm down, buddy! I’m not going anywhere!” Grover, who was recruited heavily by Notre Dame, USC, and Michigan, chose Miami because of their winning tradition and because of all the “beautiful, blonde Florida girls.”
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SAN FRANCISCO--In the midst of the Major League Baseball steroid investigation, some guy named Mark Sweeney showed up on TV last week swearing he never took amphetamines. The guy, who apparently plays for some baseball team, appeared agitated and eager to get his message across. “Who the hell is Mark Sweeney?” asked 24-year-old Sal Christie while watching Sportscenter. “Is he an actor? Some kind of athlete? He definitely looks like a baseball player. Yea, that’s it. He must be a baseball player talking about how he never took drugs. Nobody asked, dude. Get off my TV. If I wanted to see people I’ve never heard of talk about drugs, I’d watch the Molly Hatchet Behind the Music again.”
LOS ANGELES--Clippers forward Corey Maggette, a frequent subject of trade rumors around the league, is used to hearing his name pop up when someone wants to make a deal. However, he was taken aback on Monday when he saw his name included in a blurb about a possible trade between the Anaheim Angels and Pittsburgh Pirates. “I can’t imagine what my name was doing there. Is there another Corey Maggette?” he asked. “I just don’t get it. Look, it says here: The Pittsburgh Pirates are reportedly in trade talks with the Anaheim Angeles blah blah blah blah….other names included in the talks were Chone Figgins and Corey Maggette. Huh? Is this all I’m good for anymore? A negotiating tool? Trade bait? It’s one thing when it’s the NBA but I won’t have my name bandied about by Major League Baseball teams, especially the Pittsburgh Pirates. Those guys are horrible. It’s times like this I wish I had a no trade clause.”
MIAMI--Fans of Prince’s hit song “Let’s Go Crazy” received some good news on Friday when CBS reported that the singer would perform the song at halftime of the Super Bowl, or face electrocution on stage. CBS executives issued the ultimatum in order to ensure that the eccentric, notoriously uncooperative singer honors his contract. “Prince fans, it’s official: Prince is performing ‘Let’s Go Crazy’ at the Super Bowl,” said CBS vice president of programming Chris Adams. “He has given us a personal guarantee. If he doesn’t do it, he’s getting electrocuted. We’ve got it all wired up and ready to go. So either you’re going to see Prince performing your favorite song or you’re going to see a man being electrocuted on live TV. Either way it’s going to kick ass all over the place.” A spokesman for Prince, however, said that the singer would perform “Tangerine” and incorporate his electrocution death into the performance.
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MIAMI--According to a reliable NFL source, a major football game will take place on Sunday at Dolphins Stadium in Miami, Florida. The game, between the Indianapolis Colts and the Chicago Bears, will determine the champion of the 2006 NFL season and will be watched by an estimated two billion people. “This is the big one,” said the source. “This is the NFL game to end all NFL games. Peyton Manning will be there. Brian Urlacher will be there. There will be two African-American coaches for the first time in history. In addition, the city of Miami will be inundated with people looking to celebrate the big game. There will be celebrities, athletes, reporters, CEO’s, fame whores, regular whores, and even some football fans. When it’s all over, a new ‘Super Bowl’ champion will be crowned. This thing is going to be a ratings bonanza. I just hope we’ve done a good enough job getting the word out.”
NEW YORK--Three long-time editors at Sports Illustrated were laid off on Monday in an effort to cut costs to pay for SI.com advice columnist Jenn Sterger’s upcoming college road trip. The trip, which will include stops at Oregon, LSU, and Syracuse, is expected to cost tens of thousands of dollars, a painful sum for a publication that has experienced financial difficulties as of late. “Well that came as a surprise,” said John D Sandstrom, 52, who has been with SI for over 20 years. “I thought I was going to be here forever, then I got called into my boss’s office and told to pack my things. He said the big Sterger road trip was taking up a big chunk of the budget and they had to make some painful choices. So that’s it. I’m bounced out of a job by some teenager who can barely put two sentences together. I mean, she’s hot and everything, but a college road trip? Can’t we leave the pandering to drunken frat boys to Maxim? This is supposed to be a legitimate sports publication.”
LOS ANGELES--A hilarious new Budweiser ad, which aired during the Super Bowl, depicts two men playing “rock-paper-scissors” for a bottle of Bud until one of then throws a rock at the other’s head, knocking him out cold. “I threw a rock,” he notes. What the man doesn’t note is that the beer he just assaulted his friend for tastes like pee. “Well that’s an interesting strategy,” said advertising executive Jim Hinkle. “They made a funny, engaging commercial, while at the same time avoided mentioning that the product tastes like piss. Then again, they never mention that. It’s kind of the elephant in the room with them. I’m sure their focus-group research indicated that most people don’t like drinking piss, so they tailored their ad accordingly. They were going for the coveted ‘everybody in the world’ demographic.” Hinkle then indicated that, like the rest of the world, he also drinks Budweiser, because it’s cheap and gets you just as fucked up as other beer.
LOS ANGELES--Clippers forward Corey Maggette, a frequent subject of trade rumors around the league, is used to hearing his name pop up when someone wants to make a deal. However, he was taken aback on Monday when he saw his name included in a blurb about a possible trade between the Anaheim Angels and Pittsburgh Pirates. “I can’t imagine what my name was doing there. Is there another Corey Maggette?” he asked. “I just don’t get it. Look, it says here: The Pittsburgh Pirates are reportedly in trade talks with the Anaheim Angeles blah blah blah blah….other names included in the talks were Chone Figgins and Corey Maggette. Huh? Is this all I’m good for anymore? A negotiating tool? It’s one thing when it’s the NBA, but I won’t have my name bandied about by Major League Baseball teams, especially the Pittsburgh Pirates. Those guys are horrible. It’s times like this I wish I had a no trade clause.”
LAS VEGAS--The NBA announced today that another event will be added to the All-Star game in addition to the popular Skills Challenge, Slam Dunk Contest, and Three Point Contest. The event, the Most Ghastly Tattoo Contest, will pit a dozen players against each other to determine who has the most nightmarish body art. “It’s a really creative and interesting way to judge which player exercised the worst judgment,” said Commissioner David Stern, who came up with the idea. “Have you seen some of the tats on these guys? I’m talking about shit crawling up their necks, full sized portraits of deceased loved ones, entire Bible verses, swear words – the whole nine yards. It’s about time somebody determined which of these is the most ghastly. Keep the kids away from the TV, though. You don’t want them to realize there are people in the world with such shitty taste.” Allen Iverson, Mike Bibby, Doug Christie, Kenyon Martin, and Stephon Marbury have already signed up for the contest, while Dennis Rodman has been secured as a guest judge.
WASHINGTON, DC--The Washington Wizards are headed to Philadelphia to play the 76ers on Wednesday, but don’t expect Gilbert Arenas to bring his “A” game, as the talented guard has no interest in playing a team that he doesn’t have a grudge against. “The Sixers? Snooze. Wake me when it’s over,” Arenas said after practice on Monday. “Unless they spurned me in some way or prevented me from accomplishing something or said some nasty things about me, I don’t really give a shit. In fact, I guarantee I’m going to score in the single digits on Wednesday. Why not? I have nothing against the Sixers. They’re cool guys. Why would I want to embarrass them by beating them on their home court? That’s not what I’m about. If you’re cool to me, I’m cool to you.” Arenas’ attitude changed, however, when he was told that Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks referred to him as “the second best guard in NBA history” instead of the first.
CHAMPAIGN, IL--Illinois coach Ron Zook was thrilled to land prized linebacker recruit Demarius Thompson last week, but was shaken to his very core by the young man’s bizarre obsession with getting good grades in addition to being a standout athlete. “I got a little freaked out when this kid said he was going to be the best linebacker on the field ‘and excel in the classroom as well,’” Zook said. “I was like ‘Whoa, wait a minute kid. Back up. You’ll do no such thing.’ I mean, I want him to pass his classes, but ‘excel?’ That takes time. It takes effort. You can’t do that and be a great football player simultaneously. If he wants to cheat, fine, but Jesus, don’t sit here and tell me you’re going to apply yourself. You’re liable to give me a heart attack.”
DURHAM, NC--Days after dropping a 71-62 contest to the Duke Blue Devils at Cameron Indoor Stadium, the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets are being forced to defend themselves against accusations that they have a pro-Duke bias. All over the ACC, players and coaches are taking Georgia Tech to task for being part of the Pro-Duke conspiracy that has tainted the conference for years. “Do I feel like they Yellow Jackets have a pro-Duke bias? Yes, I do,” said Maryland forward James Gist. “It’s obvious. They go into Cameron, they take on a Duke team that has been floundering, and they lose the game. They’re not even trying to hide it! It’s bad enough that the referees are engaged in this thing, but if the teams can’t stand up to Duke we’re really in trouble. I hope those guys are proud of themselves, because they just showed they’re Coach K’s bitches just like everyone else in this conference.” Tech coach Paul Hewitt denied being part of any conspiracy and insisted that his team “just kind of blows” on the road.
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