ST PAUL, MN--White guy Tim Bagwell of St Paul, Minnesota found himself checking NBA box scores last night to see if Adam Morrison’s team played. Though not a big basketball fan, Bagwell is curious how the former Gonzaga star has been progressing in his first year with the Charlotte Bobcats. “I wouldn’t call myself a die-hard basketball fan or anything, but I do try to keep track of how Adam is doing,” said Bagwell, 34. “He’s a guy I really enjoyed while he was playing in college. Let’s see here…it looks like he’s averaging 15 points a game. Not bad. Has he been able to get his shot off against the more athletic defenders in the league? Is he able to play any defense? You hate to see a kid come out of college and be a one-dimensional, Keith Van Horn type of player. Hopefully Adam turns out to be the real thing. I’ve always appreciated the way he plays the game.” “By the way.” he added. “How’s Kevin Pittsnogle doing? Not too good, huh? Yea, that’s what I figured. I guess it’s too much to ask to have two of them do well in the NBA.”
TAMPA--The Tampa Bay Buccaneers walked off the field Sunday’s with their heads held high, despite losing to the Pittsburgh Steelers 20-3. Their record may have fallen to 3-9, but they scored a moral victory by embarking on a furious, last-minute drive that almost resulted in a touchdown. “I’m proud of you guys,” coach Jon Gruden said to his team after the game. “You went out there, you marched down the field, and you got to the 9 yard line. That’s pretty far. That’s 91 yards from your own end zone, and that’s pretty darn impressive! You showed America what Tampa Bay football is all about! Game ball: Bruce Gradkowski. Here you go, Bruce. Those low, line drive passes you throw at people’s feet really kept the drive going. Now listen up: Enjoy this moral victory tonight, and then tomorrow we put it behind us and get ready to face Atlanta. None of this will mean anything if we don’t go out and almost score a touchdown against the Falcons.”
PHILADELPHIA--Now that his career in Philadelphia is over, 76ers star Allen Iverson will have to make some changes to his lifestyle. His first order of business? Remove the tattoo of Ben Franklin from his left shoulder blade. Iverson got the tattoo five years ago as a tribute to Philly’s favorite son. “Well I guess this is goodbye to the Ben Franklin tattoo,” Iverson said yesterday in a telephone interview. “It’s one of my favorites, too. It’s a nice portrait, with his name written in Chinese lettering underneath it and some barbed wire circling the whole thing. I got it because I’ve always been inspired by Ben. President of the Supreme Executive Council of Pennsylvania, President of the American Philosophical Society, Postmaster General, inventor of the lighting rod, diplomat – dude was all over the place. He was like the me of the early twentieth century.”
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NEW YORK--The Mets new ballpark, Citifield, will be a boon to New Yorkers in a number of ways. Aside from being the most beautiful ballpark in the country, it will also create thousands of new jobs for local residents in the lucrative beer-pouring and toilet-cleaning industries. “Citifield is going to be an economic bonanza for the people of New York,” Mayor Michael Bloomberg said. “This place is going to benefit all of us, because it’s going to create jobs. That’s right, thousands of jobs, most of them in the field of beer pouring, toilet cleaning, and ice cream sandwich lobbing. So if you’re out of work right now, sit tight. In a few years you could be mopping up the shit and piss of the people who can actually afford to get into this place.”
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DALLAS--Keith Elam, a Dallas resident who watched the Cowboys-Saints matchup on ESPN Sunday night, was hit with a sudden craving for Taco Bell when announcer Al Michaels mentioned Saints linebacker Scott Fujita. After Fujita’s fourth tackle, Elam, 32, drove to a local Taco Bell to satisfy his craving. “Wow, that was a strong craving,” said Elam. “As soon as I heard ‘And Fujita is in on the tackle,’ all I could think of was cheese and salsa and ground beef and guacamole, and Nachos Supreme and Gorditas and a big fountain Coke. I tried to control myself, but then when I heard the name a couple more times I just broke down. The lure of Taco Bell is quite potent indeed, especially when someone keeps mentioning a name that sounds like their latest menu item.” Elam craved Taco Bell once again the next evening while watching a news report on E Coli bacteria.
CINCINNATI--Cincinnati Bearcats freshman Antonio Garrett was kicked off the team today by coach Brian Kelly for violating NCAA rules prohibiting players from having happy childhoods. Garrett, who hails from a two-parent household in a quiet, safe neighborhood in Columbus, said he was disappointed by the decision, but also admitted that he just “didn’t fit in.” “It’s tough to get kicked off the team, but I guess I just didn’t fit in,” said Garrett. “My dad’s a real estate appraiser, and my mom manages a bank. I’ve never even been shot at. What the hell am I doing here? I feel like a circus freak. College basketball is for guys who wear tattoos commemorating lost loved ones, not normal, non-adversity-overcoming guys like me. I haven’t suffered enough to be an NCAA hoops player.” Garrett also considered trying out for the football team, until he learned that those people are even more fucked up.
NEW YORK--New York Knicks guard Nate Robinson was put to sleep today after a frightening incident in which he viciously attacked a mailman who was walking down the sidewalk near his home. The victim, Ray Rivera, suffered multiple lacerations of his legs, face, and neck and is expected to be hospitalized overnight. According to police offer Lance McCullough, the attack came “out of the blue.” “Mr. Rivera was just walking along, doing his route, when all of a sudden Mr. Robinson lept out from behind some shrubs and began mauling him,” said McCullough, who responded to the scene after a neighbor called 911. “He knocked him to the ground and was biting him and clawing at him like crazy. A couple neighbors tried to pull him off but they didn’t have any luck. Nate’s pretty strong for a guy his size. He's a feisty little fella who certainly isn’t afraid to put his body on the line. It’s just too bad that he’s such an idiot.” McCullough eventually called animal control officials, who subdued Robinson with a tranquilizer dart and ordered him “put down” to avoid similar attacks in the future.
BRISTOL, CT--In an interview on Sportscenter, ESPN baseball analyst John Kruk praised Derek Jeter’s new cologne, Driven, for its intangibles, and for all the little things it brings to the table. “Derek Jeter’s Driven is one of those rare colognes that does a little bit of everything,” Kruk said. “It probably doesn’t smell as great as some other colognes, and it may not come in that fancy a bottle, but when you’re going out with a girl, and it’s your first date, and you really want to make an impression, there is no other fragrance that you want in that situation. Smelling like Derek Jeter just makes me feel confident and relaxed. Actually, smelling like anybody but myself makes me feel confident and relaxed.” Jeter’s cologne, though not as expensive or pleasant-smelling as other fragrances, was voted Best Cologne of the Year by the Associated Press, who also loved its intangibles.
DETROIT--Lions tackle Jonathan Scott was carted off the field yesterday during his team’s game against the Dallas Cowboys. While the nature of Scott’s injury wasn’t known at the time, bystanders were disturbed to see him give a “thumbs down” sign as he headed to the locker room. “Wow, I think I just saw Jonathan give the ‘thumbs down’ sign,” Lions receiver Mike Furrey said to a teammate. “That can’t be a good thing. Players usually give the thumbs up even if they’re half dead. It’s like giving the crowd permission to stop caring about your injury and start concentrating on the game again. Maybe Jonathan didn’t want that. Maybe he wanted to mess with people’s heads. Well the joke’s on him, because I already don’t give a shit about his injury.”
NEW YORK--An anonymous source yesterday bought a dozen copies of The New York Post yesterday after he was mentioned in a column by baseball writer Andrew Marchand. Marchand called the source “a league source” and printed his comments about the upcoming Randy Johnson trade. “Wow, I’ve never been mentioned in a big paper like the New York Post,” the source said. “It was pretty exciting to see myself in there. Look, here I am: ‘A league source said that the deal could be consummated within the next 72 hours.’ That’s me. That’s my quote. I gotta cut this thing out and put it in a scrap book or something. I just wish my mom was alive to see this. She said I’d never amount to anything, but look at me now. I’m a household name.”
MIAMI--Dolphins head coach Nick Saban told reporters today that he was “not interested” in any new coaching job that pays him less than $40 million. Saban is being dogged by rumors that he’s about to accept an offer from Alabama to be their new head coach, an offer that is said to be in the $40 million range. “I’m going to say this once and be done with it: I’m not interested in leaving the Miami Dolphins for any head coaching job whatsoever, that pays less than $40 million,” Saban told reporters at a press conference today. “I’m not going to comment on any rumors or speculation that I’m about to go somewhere else. My commitment is here, to the Miami Dolphins, and it’s going to stay that way unless and until someone offers me a shitload of money.” Saban then issued a stern denial that he was sitting at a podium next to the Alabama athletic director while wearing an Alabama Crimson Tide baseball cap.
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