SAN FRANCISCO--Giants pitcher Barry Zito, who signed a 7-year, $126 million contract in the offseason, is now just 10 consecutive no hitters away from justifying that contract. Zito’s record currently stands at 0-2 with an ERA of 8.18, but GM Brian Sabean still hasn’t given up hope for his prized free agent acquisition.

“He can still do it,” said Sabean. “The way I see it, he just needs…let’s see here…9, maybe 10 consecutive no hitters in order to justify our – ahem - $126 million investment. Remember, this guy is a notoriously slow starter. We didn’t even expect him to contribute anything in the first month, and so far he has met those expectations, so kudos to the scouting department for that one.”

Zito’s contract, the largest for a pitcher in major league history, turned a lot of heads when it was announced in December. However, Sabean points out that the Giants were locked in a bidding war and had no choice but to break the bank.

“We desperately, desperately needed a starting pitcher, and he was the best guy available,” said Sabean. “Also, he was telling everybody he wanted to pitch in New York, so we knew we would have to blow him away to convince him to come to San Francisco. Now that we have him, I think we’re the favorites to win the division. No, I’m serious. It’s not like the Dodgers or Padres have any $136 million pitchers. They just have a bunch of reasonably compensated guys. That's not going to get it done.”

Last year, Zito finished the season with a 16-10 record and an ERA of 3.83, hardly the stuff of legend. Still, he feels he can deliver the 10 straight no hitters that the Giants are hoping for in order to make their investment seem less embarrassing.

“Obviously when you get a big contract like mine, the expectations on you increase,” said Zito. “It’s no longer about just being mediocre and eating up innings, it’s about being transcendentally awesome. It’s about being the of the best of all time. That’s a tall order, but I’ve never shied away from expectations, especially ones that come with a price tag so high that I don't give a shit either way.”

Sabean was criticized in the offseason for assembling an aging, expensive team largely devoid of young talent. The current squad, standing at 1-5, seems to have been built for the purpose of wining the 1997 division title.

But Sabean does have his defenders, most notably new manager Bruce Bochy.

“A lot of people criticize Brian for having an old team and for overpaying Barry Zito,” said Bochy, former manager of the San Diego Padres. “But there’s nothing wrong with assembling a bunch of veterans who know how to win. I mean, we have Omar Vizquel, Ray Durham, Rich Aurilla, Randy Winn, Bonds – it’s like an episode of Thirtysomething, except none of them are attractive middle class yuppies and Barry Bonds is 43.”

Still, Bochy, like Sabean, expects ace pitcher Zito to carry the team through the second half of the season and into the World Series.

“I would be totally shocked if Barry didn’t revert back to his Oakland form and just start dominating on a Hall of Fame level,” said Boche. “All he needs to do is regain the form he had during that one year when he won the Cy Young award. Remember that? That was awesome. That season is pretty much the only reason why he’s here. It’s the gift that keeps on giving – kind of like my 1998 season.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.