MIAMI--Dan Uggla, second baseman for the Florida Marlins, was caught sleeping – literally- at second base during Monday’s game against the Milwaukee Brewers. Uggla, like all Major League ball players, is struggling to make the adjustment to playing without the help of amphetamines. Uggla was awakened by shortstop Hanley Ramirez, who gently kicked him as he was lying on the ground. “Dan just fell asleep out there,” said manager Joe Girardi after the game. “I’ve never seen that happen before. He just fell to the ground like he was dead. It’s not surprising, though, given the fact that they took the amphetamines away from these guys. You know, this season is a marathon, not a sprint, and sometimes people can fall asleep during marathons if they’re not given the proper ‘tools’ to stay awake. It’s tough, and not just on the players. We’re all feeling a little….” Girardi then nodded off and fell backwards to the floor, where he stayed the whole night.
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MIAMI--Seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong knows he is a role model to millions of people around the world and does his very best to live up to that responsibility. Occasionally, he uses his role model status for personal gain, like on weekends when he uses it to get laid like crazy at South Beach night clubs. Armstrong is currently working on his record eighth straight night with a different girl. “You know, I once overcame cancer,” Armstrong told a young girl sitting on his lap at Skybar in Miami. “It was a scary time, but I dug deep and found the courage to fight back. Then I went on to win a bunch of Tour de France’s. I won seven in a row. Nobody’s ever done that. I guess you could say I’m an inspiration to a lot of people. Maybe I could inspire you. Why don’t you overcome that adversity known as ‘your boyfriend’ and come back to my hotel? We can talk about how great I am and then screw.”
FLUSHING, NY--Tennis star Andre Agassi’s storied career ended in disgrace Sunday after he lost his final US Open to Benjamin Becker, an unknown German ranked 112th in the world. The crowd at Arthur Ashe Stadium spent four minutes booing Agassi and pelting him with debris as he stood at center court and tried to apologize. “I...I’m so very sorry,” said a teary-eyed Agassi. “I tried my best. See, my back hurts and I’m pretty old and I actually played a good match, all things considered. Benjamin is a fine player, despite being ranked 112th. Ow! Stop throwing things at—Ow! That was a battery! Jesus, can’t you just give me a heartfelt standing ovation for my long and wonderful career? What about all I’ve done for the sport? Okay I’m leaving. I guess this is as good a time as any to say I’ve always hated New York.” Agassi then left to find his wife, Steffi Graf, but she had already gone home halfway through the match.
FLUSHING, NY--Tennis player Roger Federer won his third Grand Slam title of the year on Sunday, and the ninth of his career, beating Andy Roddick 6-2, 4-6, 7-5, 6-1 and cementing his reputation as one of the greatest tennis players of all time. He also made whatever country he comes from extremely proud. “And the great Roger Federer wins another Grand Slam title!” proclaimed announcer Dick Enberg, as Federer celebrated at center court. “That’s his ninth career Grand Slam and he is fast approaching Pete Sampras’ record of 14. This is a proud day for Mr. Federer, and a proud day for the people of…Belgium? Switzerland? Sweden! It’s Sweden, right? Whatever. Let’s not get bogged down in technicalities. He’s from Europe, and this is a tremendous day for the entire continent.”
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OAK HILLS, CA--24-year-old football fan Ben Torrance was able to enjoy a boring game between the Denver Broncos and Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday by placing his entire paycheck on the Broncos to cover the 11 point spread. The Broncos won 9-6, costing Torrance $500 and providing him with an afternoon of thrills and white-knuckle action in the process. “Whew, that was a great game,” said Torrance, of Oak Hills, CA. “That was a real thrilled for me. I’m sure most other people found it boring, but that’s because they’re too lame to bet on the games. You’d be amazed at how exciting these games can be when you have something at stake, like you’re entire paycheck. I was on the edge of my seat all afternoon. I could barely sit still. This is why I always get so pumped up for the start of gambling season. I mean football season.” Torrance made the Sunday night game featuring the Redskins and Cowboys more exciting by wagering next week’s paycheck on it.
KARACHI, PAKISTAN--Dozens of riots broke out across the Middle East on Monday in protest of the Muslim team’s ejection from the popular reality show Amazing Race. Bilal and Sa’eed, a pair of friends from Cleveland, OH, who practice Islam, were the victims of a surprise elimination just one hour into the first episode. “This ‘surprise’ elimination is an insult to Islam,” read a statement from from the Iraqi terror group Jaish al-Mujahideen (the Mujadeen’s Army). “It is nothing more than a conspiracy to remove our brothers Bilal and Sa’eed from the show. How could you force the contestants to eat fish eyes? That is not an acceptable Road Block. And who’s fault is it that our brothers got a slow cab driver? We will get revenge for this. We will not rest until the loathsome crusader, Mark Burnett, is destroyed, and his horrible TV shows are cancelled.” The statement noted that Survivor is “stupid” and the idea to separate the teams into ethnic groups was “gay.”
LEWISTON, ME--Following a thrilling weekend of college football excitement, the US is officially out of alcohol, industry sources said Tuesday. The crisis, which was caused by unprecedented binge drinking at the nation’s college campuses, isn’t likely to be resolved in time for next Saturday’s slate of matchups, stoking fears that students will riot or possibly kill themselves. “We are completely out of beer. There’s nothing left anywhere,” said John Richter, owner of an Anheiser-Busch distributor in Lewiston, Maine. “Last weekend just dried everybody out. There was that awesome Georgia game and that crazy Notre Dame comeback, and then USC played, and so did Texas and Penn State and Ohio State. I don’t know what’s going to happen next weekend, but I wouldn’t want to be in Gainesville or Austin when they tell them there’s no beer. Maybe they should just give them the non-alcoholic stuff and hope for some sort of placebo effect.”
NEW YORK--Despite the fact that the US Ryder cup team won six matches and made some incredibly nifty shots along the way, the liberal media is focusing only on the fact that they were routed by the Europeans for the third straight year. Many observers blame the left wing whackos for ruining the morale of the Americans and causing them to lose focus. “So once again we see the lefties ganging up on America,” said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “and distorting the truth to make the US look like the bad guys. You won’t read this in the New York Times or Newsweek, but the US won six – that’s right, six – matches last weekend and made some amazing clutch putts in the last round. You also won’t read that the best golfer in the world, Tiger Woods, is on our side, or that the US players have vastly prettier wives, or that we mopped the floor with those jerks in the Revolutionary War.” “I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, though,” he added. “These are the same zealots who are quick to point out that Iraq is in complete chaos yet won’t make one mention of the fact that a schoolhouse in Ramadi was repainted yesterday. Anyway, who wants a mug with my picture on it?”
GLENDALE, AZ--Years after first seeing Apocalypse Now, Cardinals running back Edgerrin James finally understands the end of the movie. The true meaning of it occurred to him during Sunday’s loss to the Atlanta Falcons. “I think I finally get what Marlon Brando meant when he described ‘The Horror,’” James said. “It hit me on Sunday, right around the time of Kurt Warner’s second fumble. It hit me like a diamond – like a diamond bullet in the forehead. I thought ‘the genius of that.’ See, you must make a friend of the Horror. Horror is your friend. If it is not then it is an enemy to be feared. That’s how I’m going to approach the season from now on. I am Colonel Kurtz and the Arizona Cardinals are the Cambodian jungle. I can only hope they send somebody to terminate my command. Seriously, kill me. Please.”
NEWARK, NJ--James Kanellis, a rabid fan of the ESPN network, used his new ESPN Visa card to pay for an emergency abortion for the 19-year-old girl at the super market he’s been seeing. The card came through in a pinch for the cash-strapped Kanellis, and also scored him some impressive, ESPN-themed rewards. “That unwanted pregnancy hit me at the worst possible time,” said Kanellis, 37. “I always use protection, especially with Jessica from the Stop and Shop, but it just didn’t work this time. Anyway, when I heard the news I started freaking out about where I was going to get the 400 bucks. That’s when I remembered my new ESPN Visa card. Talk about a lifesaver. Not only did we get the abortion done, I also got a $25 ESPN Shop Gift Card, plus a chance to go to attend a 3-day ESPN golf clinic at a discounted rate! See, every cloud has a silver lining. I suffered through this horrible abortion, and now I’m getting rewarded for it.”
GLENDALE, AZ--After a horrendous final two weeks of the regular season, the St Louis Cardinals finally clinched the division title by losing 5-3 to the Milwaukee Brewers on the same night that the Houston Astros lost to the Atlanta Braves. The Astros loss gave the Cardinals the division title by process of elimination. “Yes! Process of elimination!” screamed third baseman Scott Rolen, during a raucous clubhouse celebration. “We’re in the playoffs, baby! Man, we tried everything to screw this up and still we got in. Thank you very much, rest of the division. You’re mediocrity catapulted us to the postseason, where we will face slightly less mediocre competition in our quest for a pennant. And if we win the pennant we will go on to the World Series, where we will experience a different sort of process of elimination, the kind where we’re eliminated and sent home. Don’t get me wrong. I still have confidence in this team. It’s just that I’m not quite drunk enough yet to think we can win the World Series. Anybody have any more champagne?”
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