MIAMI--In an attempt to win back the respect of his players after an 1-3 start, Dolphins coach Nick Saban reminded them today that he knows Patriots coach Bill Belichick and is, in fact, friends with him.

“You know, you’re probably thinking I’m pretty clueless right now with the way things have been going,” Saban told his players at practice yesterday. “But I actually have something going for me that a lot of clueless people don’t: I’m friends with Bill Belichick. The two of us talk all the time. Yep, he loves to pick my brain. So I wouldn’t start tuning me out just yet. I'm pretty sure I can turn this thing around. Trust me. I didn’t become friends with Bill Belichick by being an idiot.”

Saban has been friends with Belichick since their days with the Cleveland Browns, when Belichick was head coach and Saban was defensive coordinator. The two regularly communicate, and, according to Saban, have a lot in common.

If that doesn’t get his players’ attention, Saban doesn’t know what will.

“Obviously I’ve lost a little credibility here,” said Saban. “So knowing that I hang out with one of the greatest coaches in the game should help restore some of the players’ confidence. Bill and I have a ton of stuff in common. I’m not saying that makes me a better coach or anything, but you can tell a lot about a person by the company he keeps. For instance, I’m sure Belichick’s players feel more confident knowing that he hangs out with me.”

In addition to being friends with Bill Belichick, Saban also won a NCAA championship while coaching the LSU Tigers. His credentials made him a popular choice to replace interim coach Jim Bates after the 2004 season.

“When Coach Saban came in to coach here, we were all pretty excited,” said defensive end Jason Taylor. “He was supposedly one of the brightest young coaches in the game. Now, everything is falling apart. What's worse, his decision to start Daunte Culpepper is starting to seem really misguided. The guy can't get out of his own way. We need Joey Harrington, and we need him now. Wow, I bet I’m the first person in history to utter that sentence.”

Culpepper is eager to prove the Dolphins made the right decision in signing him. So far he has looked much like he did last year: totally ineffective. In time, Culpepper feels he’ll be back to the form that made him an all-pro earlier in his career.

“I just have to get my timing and my rhythm back,” Culpepper said. “It’s a big adjustment coming back from an injury like that, plus I’m still learning the new offensive scheme, which is a little different from the scheme I learned in Minnesota. That one relied more on running and passing and less on giving up sacks. It’s weird, because I always assumed Mike Tice was a moron and Nick Saban was a genius. I guess I was wrong all along. They’re both morons.”

Saban will spend the next week getting his team prepared for their upcoming game against the New England Patriots. As a motivational ploy, he has invited his friend Bill Belichick in to give his team a pep talk.

“I’m going to have Bill come in and say a few words to the team before the big Patriots game,” said Saban. “He’s a master motivator and I really think they’re going to get a lot out of it. They need to get a lot out of it. If we go 1-4, our season is in the toilet. On the upside, at least we’ll get to prove all those idiot sportswriters wrong. That’s almost more fun than winning the Super Bowl.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.