PHILADELPHIA--Terrell Owens’ new rap song, “I’m Back,” was mistaken for a parody of a Terrell Owens rap song yesterday by a sports talk radio host, who played it during his morning drive show. Mike Heger of ESPN radio in Philadelphia introduced the song as a “hilarious Owens parody,” but was informed by callers that it was actually authentic.

“I found the most hilarious thing today on the internet,” Heger told his listeners yesterday morning. “It’s some guy pretending to be Terrell Owens doing this idiotic rap about the contract he signed and all the money he’s making. He’s like ‘I got 10 mil up front, dog.’ I couldn’t stop laughing. God, imagine if he was this much of a tool in real l life? Now that would be funny.”

After the track finished playing, Heger had a hard time controlling his laughter.

“Ha ha ha! Oh my God! That is so perfect,” he said, wiping tears from his eyes. “Did you hear when he said ‘To the haters who said I wouldn’t get my money. I’m laughing in your face. Ha ha that’s funny.’ How did they come up with that stuff? That’s great parody right there. It totally makes him look like a buffoon. Whoever wrote this thing has a pretty twisted sense of humor.”

Heger was embarrassed himself minutes later when a caller informed him that the song was written and performed by none other than Terrell Owens himself. Not only that, it was meant to be completely serious.

“Oh my gosh. I…I had no idea this was real,” Heger said after hearing the news. “It portrays him in such a clownish, pathetic light I just figured it had to have been written by someone who hates him. I wonder what it’s like to be that messed up. I actually feel sorry for him. He must be struggling with some deep, painful psychological issues. I guess the only thing for us to do now is viciously make fun of him for it.”

“I’m Back” contains several funny lines about Owens’ feud with the Eagles and several more about his signing with the Cowboys. “I’m Back,” Owens raps, “and I’m better than ever. I’m back and I’m getting this cheddar.” Later he raps, “When it comes to this game, I’m the best in the field, some say I was gonna sign a one-year deal. But I got what I wanted up front, 10 mil.”

Several of Owens’ new teammates have already heard the song and they, too, thought it was a joke.

“When I heard it the first time, I just thought it was something an asshole radio host put together to make a fool out of TO,” said one teammate, who asked not to be identified. “But then I found out it was real. Jesus, what was he thinking? ‘I’m getting this cheddar?’ What the hell does that mean? Is ‘cheddar’ really the best word he could come up with to rhyme with ‘ever?’ What a disaster. He’s finally crossed the line into self parody. I guess he was tired of watching everybody else have all the fun.”

Another teammate questioned the wisdom of publicly boasting about a recently-signed contract.

“I don’t think it’s smart to be rapping about your new contract, especially when you probably got the contract by swearing up and down you’d be a good soldier and keep your stupid mouth shut. I wonder how this is going to go over in the front office. Something tells me that the next song TO writes will be about getting punched in the face repeatedly by Bill Parcells.”

In an interview today with the Fort Worth Star Telegram, Owens attempted to alleviate any confusion by explaining that the song was “deadly serious.”

“My new song is not a joke. I don’t understand why anybody would think that,” Owens said. “Is it funny that I rapped about the specifics of my new contract? Is it funny that I actually believed people would buy this album for any reason other than to make fun of it? Is it funny that my voice sounds thin as hell even though they doubled it up about nine thousand times on the track? It is? Oh, OK. I think I get it now.”


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  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.











Terrell Owens Rap Song Mistaken For Parody Of Terrell Owens Rap Song

April 4 , 2006 Volume 2 Issue 37