NEW YORK--Fox baseball commentator Tim McCarver, traumatized by thousands of insults, threats, and assaults on his character, has made a personal vow never to Google himself again.

“Okay, well, that is the last time I put ‘Tim McCarver’ in to a search engine again,” McCarver said on Tuesday. “That was traumatic. I’m actually a little stunned. I…I thought I was doing a pretty good job with my color commentating. Apparently I’m lacking in a few areas, or to quote one of the entries, I’m ‘vomiting in the ears of the American public.’ Whew. Ouch. That one stung. Now I kind of wish I never discovered this ‘internet’ in the first place. Hopefully it’s just a passing fad.”

McCarver, who has won three Emmy Awards as a broadcaster, was under the impression that his work was universally respected. Sadly, it appears the opposite is true.

“I’m one of the most prominent, successful sports broadcasters this country has ever seen,” he said. “But still, it’s hard not to be disturbed by the things people are saying about me on the World Wide Web. One person calls me ‘a ‘fagtard.’ I don’t even know what that means. And this person, right here on page 8, says that my observations are ‘trite, hackneyed, repetitive, and moronic,’ and that I should be replaced by Scooter the Talking Baseball. Um, hello? Scooter the Talking Baseball is fake. That baseball can’t talk. It’s all animated. Who’s the fagtard now?”

Despite his commercial success, McCarver is often criticized by baseball fans for his verbal gaffes and shocking lack of insight into a game that he played for 21 years.

During Saturday’s broadcast of the Mets-Braves game on Fox, McCarver noted that Edgar Renteria “likes to catch grounders with his glove,” and that the Mets should “try a hit and run” with two outs and nobody on base. He also made an embarrassing verbal flub, referring to John Smoltz as “Honus Wagner.”

As far as McCarver is concerned, mistakes and slip-ups are par for the course during a live game broadcast.

“We’re talking live baseball here,” he said. “I’m improvising. Of course you’re going to have a screw up now and then. Is that any reason to call for my firing, or worse yet, my death? If you want to call for somebody’s head, call for Joe Morgan’s. Have you heard that guy? Oh my God I don’t even know how he manages to tie his shoes in the morning.”

McCarver’s friend and partner in the broadcast booth, Joe Buck, warned him about venturing on to the internet and Googling his own name, saying he was just “asking for trouble.”

“Man, I knew this was going to happen,” said Buck. “Tim was like ‘I heard you can look up yourself on this Google thing and find out all the great things people are saying about you,’ and I was like ‘Tim, for the love of God, avoid the internet like the plague.’ Seriously, the internet has three main purposes: porn, fantasy sports, and the savaging of Tim McCarver. But he wouldn’t listen to me. Now, he’s shattered. I guess I should just be glad he didn’t find my blog, Tim McCarver Blows.com.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.