LOS ANGELES--Patriots quarterback Tom Brady stormed out of the ESPY awards Thursday night after being mercilessly taunted by Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, who won two ESPY’s for his performance during the 2004 season. Witnesses said Manning waved the prized statuette in Brady’s face until the Super Bowl MVP could take no more. Afterward, Manning was unapologetic.
“Hey, to the victors go the spoils, baby. If he won it, he would’ve been doing the same thing,” said Manning, still clutching his two ESPY’s. “Yea I’ve had to sit around the past few seasons and watch him win three Super Bowls, but now I’ve finally got my vindication. Take that, Mr. Super Bowl MVP. Now who’s laughing?”
Manning won ESPY awards for best NFL player and best record breaking performance. Brady, on the other hand, won nothing.
“All I ever hear about is how great Tom Brady is,” Manning said. “It’s Tom Brady this and Tom Brady that. But you know what? Who’s walking out of here with 2 ESPY’s? That’s right. It’s me, Peyton Manning. Look at this thing. Isn’t it gorgeous? It’s the most prestigious award a person can win, next to an MTV movie award or a Krispy Kreme employee of the month merit badge.”
When reached for comment, Brady confessed to being jealous of Manning’s awards. Though he has won back-to-back Super Bowls, the coveted “NFL Player of the Year” award remains elusive.
“It’s just so upsetting. It…it hurts, OK?” Brady said. “I don’t understand why I’m not good enough to take home this award. Doesn’t ESPN like me? You don’t understand how bad I wanted to hear Matthew Perry--who was my favorite Friend, by the way—say the words ‘And the winner is…Tom Brady.’ It would’ve been the highlight of my career. This is the kind of thing you dream about when you’re a little kid -- standing in front of a bunch of celebrities and receiving an illegitimate award.”
Brady said he had a great time at the party before the ESPY’s, but the after-party was “torture.”
“Hanging out at the Playboy mansion before the show was great,” he said. “I met P-Diddy, Jessica Simpson, and the guys from Entourage. Then after the show there was another party thrown by ESPN and I had to hang around while Peyton was flaunting his ESPY’s. Then he started posing with them and doing this celebratory dance and the whole time he was looking right at me. I guess I should just be happy he only won the two awards. If he had taken home the Under Armour Undeniable Performance Award I would’ve jumped off a bridge.”
The ESPY’s were created 13 years ago as a way to pay tribute to the athletes and teams who excelled during the past year. The show has grown into a star-studded extravaganza that attracts the best and brightest from the worlds of sports and entertainment.
Maura Mandt, producer of the 2005 ESPY’s, says that for many athletes, winning an ESPY is more important than winning championships.
“The ESPY awards are so much more than just some cheezy, league sponsored trophy that crowns you a ‘champion’ or a ‘winner,’” said Mandt. “We have famous people, we have musical performances, and we have tons of memorable moments. Our host this year, Matt Perry, actually dropped his pants in front of the whole audience. Can you believe that? Those are the kind of wacky, unscripted antics that make the ESPY awards so special. Of course it stopped being funny when he masturbated on the podium, but that’s why we’re on a four-day tape delay.”
Tom Brady is well aware of the importance of the ESPY’s and he’s resolved to take the trophy home next year.
“I hate myself for not winning the ESPY this year, and I hate Peyton Manning for taking it from me,” said Brady. “But this kind of thing only strengthens my resolve. I am a man on a mission now. The past few years, I admit, I just haven’t been focused. But this has been a real wake up call for me. Next year—mark my words—I will be standing at that podium, tears in my eyes, clutching that ESPY above my head for everyone to see. Then all those Super Bowl championships will finally pay off.”
Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
|Peyton Manning Taunts Tom Brady With ESPY Award|
|July 19th , 2005 - Volume 1 Issue 104|