DETROIT--Lions quarterback Joey Harrington, who was benched last week in favor of veteran Jeff Garcia, was seen laughing his ass off on the sidelines during his team’s loss to the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. The loss illustrated just how hapless the Lions offense is regardless of who is playing quarterback. Garcia ended the day with a hilarious 45.7 passer rating.

After the game, Harrington shared a belly laugh with a group of reporters standing around his locker.

“Oh my God. Have you ever seen anything so funny in your entire life?” asked a giggling Harrington. “What a train wreck. Hey, was that Johnny Unitas or Jeff Garcia? I can’t tell. I love his trademark play of scrambling in the backfield, getting hit, and then flinging the ball in the air as he’s going down. That’s a real high percentage pass. At least when I throw a pick I’m not throwing it blindly. I look directly into the receiver's eyes.”

Harrington got his biggest laugh when he glimpsed Garcia’s passer rating.

“I don’t think I’ve ever laughed that hard,” Harrington said of Garcia’s stats. “You want to hear his passer rating? You really want to hear the passer rating for the ‘upgrade?’ OK…drum roll, please…it’s 45.7. 45.7! There are pitchers on the Tigers that have higher ERA’s that that.”

Harrington then described how he "fucked" with Garcia after the game.

“So afterward when everyone is standing around their lockers hanging their heads, I walk over to Garcia, and very innocently say ‘Hey, Jeff. Could you stick around after practice on Tuesday and maybe give me some pointers on how to play quarterback? I could really use the advice of a wizard like you.’ Now mind you, I’m standing there trying desperately to keep a straight face. Suddenly, he blurts out ‘Sure’ and I just explode. I fall to the ground laughing, then get up and stagger away with tears in my eyes. I hope he didn't catch on, though. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.”

When coach Steve Mariucci was fired last week, several members of the team openly blamed Harrington for his demise. Cornerback Dre Bly even suggested that Mariucci would still be coaching if Garcia had been the starter from the beginning. After Sunday’s performance, he was forced to reconsider.

“I really felt that Jeff was the better quarterback and that Harrington was the main reason we were sucking so bad,” Bly said after the game. “After seeing today’s game I have to admit that Jeff didn’t look too good either. There’s a lot of blame to go around, I guess. It’s not just Joey’s fault. The only person who’s completely blameless right now is me, Dre Bly. I’ve been carrying this team all year.”

It wasn’t just Bly who blamed Harrington for the team’s misfortunes. After the Mariucci firing, Jeff Garcia also insinuated that the team would’ve been better off with a different quarterback, namely himself. So what does he have to say for himself now?

“I think I played a pretty good game. Obviously we came up a little short, but I think we can all agree that my handoff to Artose Pinner in the fourth quarter was one of the key plays of the game. Could Joey Harrington pull that off? He probably would’ve fumbled the exchange, then picked up the ball and ran into the opposite end zone. Then he would’ve kept running right through the end zone and smashed into the wall, falling down unconscious and lying there until he was taken away in an ambulance. Don’t laugh. That happened last week in practice.”

Despite Garcia’s sub par performance, he is still expected to be the starter for the rest of the season. Interim coach Dick Jauron believes he gives the team the best chance to win.

“Jeff is still the better quarterback of the two. Joey is just, well, he’s not very good,” said Jauron. “We’d probably be better off with no quarterback at all. We could just direct snap to the running back and grind the clock out. If we need an emergency quarterback we’ll just use the kicker. Joey can get some valuable experience standing on the sidelines and observing the game, while Jeff can get some valuable experience not working at all, which is what he's going to be doing after this season.”





Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.











Joey Harrington Laughing His Ass Off At Lions Loss

December 6 , 2005 - Volume 2 Issue 20