Fire In Anna Kournikova’s Shrubs Kills 7

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - A fire at Anna Kournikova’s Beverly Hills mansion took the lives of seven people yesterday. The blaze started in the shrubs underneath the tennis star’s bedroom window and engulfed the men who were crouching there. Kournikova, who was sleeping at the time, expressed her condolences to the victims of the tragic fire.

“I wish to extend my sympathy to the families of those men who were crouching in my bushes when the fire started,” Kournikova said. “I can only imagine what was going through their heads when they died. Perhaps they were regretting hiding in my shrubs and masturbating.”

Fire officials say the fire probably started when one of the men attempted to extinguish a cigarette among the dry leaves and twigs surrounding the house. Once the fire was ignited, it quickly spread and engulfed the hedges, leaving the seven men no time to escape.

“I always tell those guys to be careful with the cigarettes,” said Kournikova. “Some of them smoke like chimneys, and I knew that eventually we would have a tragedy on our hands. That’s why I put the ‘No Smoking’ sign out there.”

Lance Peterson, Beverly Hills fire chief, described the scene as ‘grizzly’ and said the last few moments of the men’s lives were probably spent frantically trying to pull their pants up.

“We’ve pieced it all together, and the way I see it, the seven men were engulfed in flames pretty quick. Five of them died with their pants around their ankles, so you have to believe that hindered their ability to flee. It’s just terrible that a routine stalking could turn into such a tragedy. I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways.”

City officials are wondering how the incident was allowed to take place, and how a similar incident could be prevented in the future.

“This is clearly a terrible oversight by fire safety officials,” said Beverly Hills Mayor Tom Levyn. “This tragedy could’ve been avoided. Knowing that stalkers regularly crouch in Miss Kournikova’s bushes, fire officials should’ve inspected the area to make sure it was safe. Miss Kournikova’s shrubs should be subject to the same stringent regulations as any other public gathering spot. And where was the fire extinguisher?”

Levyn was also disappointed that no crowd control measures had been put in place for the hedges.

“Obviously, seven people is too high a number to be crouching in such a small area. To my understanding, these gentlemen were packed like sardines to the point where they had to elbow each other out of the way to make room. Also, where were the glowing exit signs? How could our safety officials have dropped the ball so badly?”

The legal ramifications of the fire could be severe. Families of the victims want to know how something like this could happen, especially at such a high profile gathering place as the shrubs underneath Anna Kournikova’s window.

“We want answers, and we want answers now,” said Helen Reynolds, mother of 32-year-old Glenn Reynolds, who perished in the fire. “My son is dead because these people didn’t adhere to safety regulations. We want a thorough investigation of the cause of this fire, and we want those responsible punished. A young man should be able to masturbate in Anna Kournikova’s hedges without perishing in a fire.”

Dale Krantz, father of 23-year-old victim Kyle Krantz, said he had visited the shrubs in the past and had doubts about the safety situation.

Fire officials say that Kournikova’s shrubs are part of her property, and they don’t have the authority to apply the same regulations that they would for a nightclub or restaurant. In fact, they say the blame for the fire should be placed squarely on the shoulders of Boswell Security Inc., which guards Miss Kournikova’s sprawling estate.

Boswell Security spokesmen have attempted to distance themselves from the situation, arguing it was out of their hands.

“Miss Kournikova’s hedges are routinely crowded with people. It is very difficult for us to keep them away,” said Robert Dierkson, director of the security company. “We’ve consulted Anna on this subject several times. When she first found out there were people crouching in her shrubs, she was alarmed. But after I told her they were only masturbating and taking pictures, she indicated that they could stay as long as we kept an eye on them. Well, one of our guys did keep an eye on them. He’s the one that called the fire department.”

But witnesses describe a different scene. A landscaper who works on Miss Kournikova’s rose garden reported that the security guard on duty was not doing his job.

“Ray [the Boswell security guard assigned to the hedges] was not doing his job good enough,” said the landscaper, who asked not to be identified. “He was supposed to be watching the guys, but instead he was peering into Anna’s window, just like they were. At one point, one of the guys looked up and said ‘Where should I put this [cigarette] out?’ And Ray just said, ‘Put it up your ass for all I care. She’s about to get in the shower.’”

Ray was unavailable for comment, but fire and security officials both indicated that they would launch a full investigation into the matter. They would also survey the rest of Kournikova’s property for potential trouble spots.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do here,” said Peterson. “We’ve got to comb the grounds of this place and make sure any areas generally used for stalking and peeping are safe. We may have to write some new, special fire codes that pertain specifically to the grounds of this estate. We also may have to cut down that big palm tree outside her bathroom window. As of now, there are nine people in that tree with binoculars, digital cameras, and Kleenex. There are no safety regulations in place there, and those palm trees could go up in flames in no time.”

He added: “If these guys are so bent on whacking off to Anna, they should just buy a fucking calendar like the rest of us.”