NEW YORK--Just minutes after being suspended by Commissioner David Stern for “failing to meet the standards of professionalism” expected of NBA referees, Joey Crawford issued a publicly apology and admitted that, as Tim Duncan alleged on Sunday, he is a “piece of shit.”

“I am a piece of shit. Tim Duncan was right,” Crawford said. “When he said that I got really upset, but now that I’ve had time to think about it, I can see his point. I’m irritable, I have a short fuse, I make some terrible calls, and I eject people for laughing. Laughing. What was I thinking? This is a game and it’s supposed to be fun. Hopefully I can come back next year and not be such a tool, but honestly, I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”

The trouble started for Crawford during Sunday’s Spurs-Mavericks game when he ejected Duncan, who was on the bench at the time, for laughing at one of his calls. Crawford, who felt he was being mocked, challenged Duncan to a fight before sending him to the showers.

On his way to the locker room, Duncan called Crawford a “piece of shit.”

“Yes, it’s true that I challenged Tim to a fight,” said Crawford. “But in my defense, it was the heat of the moment and I felt I was being mocked. Also, not to be mean here, but Tim Duncan is one of the biggest assholes in the league when it comes to complaining. Is that any excuse for my actions? Absolutely not. But I can only take so much of his smug, smirking face before I explode, because I am a crazy person.”

Despite his short fuse, Crawford is considered one of the premier officials in the NBA, which is why his suspension came as a surprise to some.

“Whoa, they suspended that guy? Damn. Stern must be really pissed,” said Suns forward Shawn Marion. “Crawford’s been terrorizing the league for years, but I never expected a suspension. While they’re at it, they should suspend a few of the other refs in this league. I’m not going to name any names, but Steve Javy is a retard and Dick Bavetta – well, the less said about him the better. Okay, so I just named two names. Anyway, does anybody realize what a complete and underrated player I am?”

Duncan’s teammate, Manu Ginobli, expressed disappointment that Crawford was suspended and hopes to see him back on the court next year.

“Joey is gone? Joey? Oh, damn,” Ginobli said. “Do you know how many charges that guy gives me? I don’t even have to be touched. If a player runs by me, all I have to do is launch myself into the air and go ‘AAAARGRGHH!’ and he blows a whistle. He is so gullible! He will be missed. The only thing I have going for me now is that every other league official is just as dumb.”

Duncan himself expressed relief that he won’t have to face Crawford in the postseason, where their rivalry could have affected the outcome of games. On the other hand, he wishes no ill will on the man he called a “piece of shit” and just wants to put the incident behind him.

“With all due respect to Manu, I am glad to see Joe gone,” said Duncan. “The two of us just didn’t see eye to eye and I could definitely see that being a problem in the playoffs. That being said, I hate to see a man lose his job and I certainly hope he is reinstated next year with a fresh outlook and a better temperament. I’ll try to do the same. I won’t mock him or make faces at him or yell at him unless he does something that really crosses the line, like call me for a foul.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.