Royals Close Up Shop To Avoid Playing Yankees Again

KANSAS CITY--The Kansas City Royals announced today that they were “closing up shop” in order to avoid playing the New York Yankees ever again. The decision was made following a three-game sweep that brought the Royals season record against the Bombers to 1-6, with an average margin of defeat of seven runs.

Owner David Glass said that their performance against the Yankees proved that it was pointless to go on.

“Well that’s it. We’re closing up shop,” said owner David Glass. “We’re not going to subject ourselves to another series against the Yankees. Every time we play them, no matter how good we’re doing at the time, they kick our asses all over the field. It’s disheartening. It’s like, obviously there’s no point in trying to get better or invest in our young players or hire fancy new front office nerds, because we’re about fifteen continents away from the powerhouses of this league. Were fifteen continents away, I should say. We are now a former Major League Baseball team, and I have to tell you, it’s an incredibly liberating feeling.”

The Royals only win against the Yankees this season was a 7-0 shut-out on July 26, a day in which Glass claimed the Yanks “essentially took the day off.”

“That was a fun day wasn’t it? Whoopdee-doo. What an accomplishment,” he said. “They marched Igawa out there, which should pretty much tell you how seriously they were taking the game. Sure, we picked up some momentum from that win and went on to sweep the Rangers, but then a week later we were back to being swept by the Yankees. They are the bane of our existence, despite the face that their luxury tax dollars paid for my Bentley.”

Glass’s decision was met with surprisingly little resistance from the rest of the front office. Even recently-hired GM Dayton Moore agreed that it was time for some “extreme measures” to avoid further humiliation for the ball club.

“It’s the right thing to do,” said Moore, who has seen marked improvement in his team this season when they weren't playing the Yankees. “Watching our supposedly improved young team get pummeled over and over again by Stankees has pretty much extinguished any enthusiasm I had for this job. I don't even really like baseball anymore. However, I am committed to getting another job, so if anyone’s interested in hiring me, give me a call. I used to work for the Braves. I’m good at faxing contracts, Tivo-ing at bats, and shaking hands with players at podiums.”

All remaining games on the Royals schedule will be considered forfeits, and all players left on the roster will be placed in a supplemental draft and distributed to teams around the league.

Commissioner Bud Selig said today that he tried to discourage the decision to contract, but to no avail.

“I would prefer to see the Royals stay in the league and try to better themselves through the draft and free agency,” Selig said. “However, I understand and accept their decision to abandon ship. In the future, I would ask the Yankees to go easy on small market teams. They are not here to be your personal punching bags. They’re here to play baseball and to provide entry level employment for aspiring managers.”

Yankees manager Joe Torre said he was “saddened” to hear of the contraction of the Royals, especially since they’re good for about nine or ten victories a year.

“That’s incredibly disappointing,” he said. “You hate to hear about a major league team being contracted, especially one with such a rich history. Plus this is going to cost us a lot of easy wins. Now all we have left are the Devil Rays, Blue Jays, Orioles, Twins, White Sox, Rangers, A’s, and a few National League teams. But you know who the real victims are here? The Kansas City Chiefs. They’re going to suck this year. Just thought I’d mention that.”

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