AUSTIN, TX--Lance Armstrong announced yesterday that he is coming out of retirement next year to run the Tour de France one more time. This time, however, he will do it with two broken hips, in an attempt to overshadow Floyd Landis, who won the race this year with only one badly damaged hip.
Armstrong will have his hips broken by a doctor one month before the race and will have to endure excruciating pain in order to accomplish his goal.
“I will be racing next year, and I will be doing it with not one, but two broken hips,” Armstrong said at a press conference yesterday. “Floyd Landis did a wonderful job this year racing with one bad hip and that just inspired me to take it a step further. I won’t even be able to stand up on my own. It hurts just thinking about it. Ow! I’m okay, I’m okay. Anyway, who were we talking about? Oh, Floyd Landis. Hey Floyd, congrats on winning your one Tour de France. Call me when you nail Sheryl Crow and host the ESPYs.”
Last year, after winning his record seventh Tour de France, Armstrong said he would never race again, but the sight of Landis overcoming a physical disability both infuriated and inspired Armstrong. Now he realizes he isn’t ready to relinquish the spotlight just yet.
“When I announced my retirement, I never realized that somebody would step in and take my place so quickly,” he said. “The guy did it with a seriously damaged hip, too. What the fuck? If I didn’t know any better I’d think winning the Tour de France was actually pretty easy. It can’t be, though, because those European racers can barely even cross the finish line. Last year I had to carry one on my back for the final 8 miles. He was pretty grateful. He came in second place.”
Landis was a member of the US Postal Service team from 2002-04, but left because of a contract dispute, and ended up signing with the Swiss Phonak squad. There have been rumors about some tension between the he and Armstrong, but both riders say they’ve been exaggerated.
When told of Armstrong’s plan to race next year with two broken hips, Landis was not surprised.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” he said. “Lance is a competitor and he doesn’t want to be upstaged by anybody. I don’t know how he’s going to race with two broken hips, though. It’s not the same thing as racing with just one ball. Knowing Lance, though, he’ll find some way to pull it off, if only so he can be an inspirational icon to broken-hipped Americans everywhere.”
The news of Armstrong’s comeback has the French media in an uproar, with many already accusing him of using performance enhancing drugs to make his miracle comeback possible.
The French daily L’Equipe ran a front page story this morning calling for “extreme vigilance” on behalf of the World Anti Doping Association (WADA)
“WADA and the French authorities should keep in mind how difficult it would be for a normal person to run the Tour de France with two broken hips,” the article read. “With Armstrong’s reputation, one must assume the worst and act accordingly. They should begin testing him now and continue to do so for the next year. Even if he tests negative for performance enhancing drugs, he should still be banned in order to save our own cyclists the humiliation of losing to a man with one ball and no hips.”
Armstrong said he is prepared for the controversy stirred up by the French media, but it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before.
“That goes with the territory,” he said. “Of course when you accomplish superhuman feats, there are always people who will question you, especially in France, where they are suspicious of pretty much everything. They’ve already tested me about 1,000 times and haven’t found anything. They can test me 1,000 more times if they want. I’m so used to it by now that I automatically piss myself whenever I see a French person. It comes in handy during drug tests, but it’s a bit of a nuisance when I’m at one of those fancy restaurants.”
Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
Armstrong To Race Tour de France Next Year With Two Broken Hips
|July 25, 2006 Volume 2 Issue 53|