WASHINGTON, DC--When Eastern Conference coaches failed to include Gilbert Arenas on this year’s all-Star roster, Arenas vowed to “make them pay” in the second half of the season. However, the Wizards are only 6-5 against Eastern Conference teams since the all-star beak, meaning that things are going pretty much the same as they did in the first half for all parties involved.

“Well we haven’t exactly paid for omitting Gilbert Arenas from the all-star roster, have we?” said Heat coach Pat Riley, whose team defeated the Wizards 118-112 earlier this month. “He’s been scoring a lot of points, and that’s terrific for him, but the Wizards are still playing around .500. Us? We’re actually playing better. Apparently it paid to not vote for him. I plan on doing it again next year.”

Riley admitted that he was a bit nervous when he first heard of Arenas’ threat.

“I have to say that I got a few butterflies when Gilbert threatened to make us all pay. That guy is such a force that if you piss him off, there’s no stopping him. But it all turned out to be nothing. I guess he just needs that kind of shit to motivate him. That’s the sign of a truly competitive, shallow person.”

Arenas did make the all-star game, but only as a last minute injury replacement. He played only nine minutes under Pistons coach Flip Saunders, and actually got a measure of revenge on Saunders when the Wizards defeated the Pistons 110-92 on March 11th. It was a small measure of revenge, however, since the Wizards are still 10 games out of first place and the Pistons have already clinched a playoff berth.

“Hey, Gilbert sure did get some revenge on me tonight,” Saunders said, after his team’s loss to the Wizards. “Scored 34 points on us. Ouch! Other than that, though, everything’s cool. We’ve been slumping a little lately, but can you blame us? We can’t wait for the damn season to be over. God, this is so boring! In a way I envy Gilbert because they’re going to have to scratch and claw just to get to the postseason. Lucky bastards.”

The New Jersey Nets have won 8 games in a row and, like the Heat, are playing their best ball of the season.

“We’re playing great. It’s ironic, because Gilbert Arenas said we would all pay some kind of price for leaving him out of the all-star game,” said Frank. “Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s been fine. He should really get over himself, anyway. There are only so many roster spots, Gilbert. The league doesn’t revolve around you and your stupid scoring average.”

The Wizards are currently in the midst of a west coast road trip that will play a large part in determining whether they reach the postseason this year. For Arenas, though, the top priority is still avenging his all-star snub.

“This has been a bittersweet second half for me,” Arenas said after the team’s loss to the Clippers on Saturday night. “On the one hand, the team hasn’t caught fire the way I had hoped. We’re still not making that big push. On the other hand, I’m shooting the lights out and I’ve done a ton of damage against those pricks in the Eastern Conference who didn’t vote for me. Can you imagine that? Not vote for me? What a nerve. Rest assured, they will pay, and continue paying, until I become a free agent and sign with one of them.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.