BOSTON--Celtics GM Danny Ainge, whose team is currently in the running to secure the top pick in this year’s NBA draft, has a message for Ohio State freshman Greg Oden: staying in school is for pussies. The 7’0 Oden, who is considered the best prospect in college basketball, is undecided about whether to return to college next year and Ainge is hoping his advice helps in the decision making process.

“If you’re as good a prospect as Greg Oden and you choose to forgo the draft in order to stay in school, there’s something wrong with you,” Ainge told the Boston Herald. “Greg, staying in school is for pussies. Take my advice and high-tail it out of there. What’s the point of another year of studying, being broke, and going to lame-ass keg parties, when you can come to the NBA and be an instant millionaire? You can buy that school if you want. You can make it into a guest house.”

Ainge denied giving Oden the advice for selfish reasons, and said he was merely trying to help the youngster make the right decision for himself and his family.

“This has nothing to do with our team selecting Greg in the draft,” Ainge said. “I’m only trying to give him some advice because I heard he was on the fence. If I was him, I’d be leaving school after this year to enter the draft. Hell, I’d probably leave school now just to prepare for the draft. I can’t tell you how many kids I’ve seen stay in school and then tear their ACL’s and ruin their careers forever. Alright, I can tell you: it’s none. But we're probably due for one at some point.”

Ainge isn’t the only GM in the league who stands to benefit from Oden abandoning his college education. Several teams could be in the running for his services by the time the draft is held in June, and all are praying that he’s there for the taking.

Still, most have stopped short of calling him a “pussy” for considering college.

“I think it’s admirable that Greg would even consider returning to school in the position that he’s in,” said Larry Harris, GM of the last place Milwaukee Bucks. “That being said, I’d be thrilled if he we were available to us in the draft. He would be our most exciting player since Lew Alcindor, who, incidentally, stayed in school for four years and ended up adopting one of those – ahem – ‘unique’ Muslim names. So that’s what college will do for you. In the NBA all you get is half a dozen or so tattoos and a pot addiction.”

Harris did admit that another year in college would probably do Oden a world of good.

“The truth of the matter is, another year at Ohio State can only help Greg,” he said. “He’ll be more mature, he’ll understand the intricacies of the game more, and he’ll probably experience a Final Four, or even a national title. If he comes to the NBA he’ll be on some shit team that’s going nowhere for two or three years, like us. Oh, sorry, am I being negative? I thought I was being optimistic.”

Kevin Durant of the Texas Longhorns, another freshman who has been wowing scouts this season, is expected to leave school after one year and enter the draft. While some say Durant could be a better pro than Oden, most place him a close second.

Ainge is hoping that Durant’s decision to go pro will inspire Oden to do the same.

“Kevin Durant is a really impressive kid,” said Ainge. “Hopefully Greg will see what he’s doing and follow suit. Come on, Greg. There’s people out there waiting to give you their money. Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? I hope so, because I’ve got a blank check here and I’m just dying to make it out to somebody. It’s either going to be Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, or failing that, myself, as a severance package for when I get fired.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.