NEW YORK--Alex Rodriguez, once considered a soft, mentally weak choke artist who couldn’t come through when it mattered most, is now being labeled a “hero” and a “True Yankee,” based on a completely random sampling of five games in which he has batted .368 and hit 3 home runs.

The relatively tiny amount of at-bats and opportunities has made a believer out of even the most jaded New York Yankees fans.

“A-Rod is definitely a true Yankee now,” said Greg Camello, 26, of Queens. “When he’s in a clutch situation now, he feels confident and raises his game to the next level. I think Derek Jeter is starting to rub off on him. Or maybe Kate Hudson. It definitely has nothing to do with the fact that he is a very good hitter in the midst of a very short stretch in which he happens to be batting well. He’s just different now.”

Rather than attribute Rodriguez’s success to the fact that he is an above average hitter performing at roughly the same level he performs all year, many fans and media are choosing to believe A-Rod is now in possession of some sort of magical ability.

“I don’t know. There’s just something in his eyes. There’s a twinkle,” said season ticket holder Roger Cohn, 42. “Whatever it is, it has vaulted him from a postseason choker to a clutch hitter of Jeter-ian proportions. He is now a True Yankee in my eyes, much like Jeter was in the 2001 World Series, when he hit .148 but had several long at bats.”

During the 2009 season, Rodriguez had several short stretches when he batted above his season averages, including an entire month in which he batted .337. In another month, he batted .206. So far during the playoffs he is batting .368. Taken as a whole, his postseason performance fits in with the usual ups and downs of any 162-plus game season.

Nevertheless, he is believed to have undergone some fundamental transformation that has enabled him to “rise to the occasion.”

“I think it’s Kate Hudson,” said Chuck Geary, a beer vendor at Yankee stadium. “You can just tell he’s happy right now. He got rid of that hag of a wife and pain-in-the-ass kids and now is finally at peace. I know this because in a five-game stretch he has seven hits and three home runs.”

Statisticians dispute the concept of “clutch hitting,” instead pointing out that, for the most part, good hitters hit well and bad hitters don’t. Occasionally there are aberrations, such as bad hitters getting hot at the right time or good hitters going cold at the wrong time.

“It’s all bullshit, basically,” said Gilbert Reiter, a statistician at University of Texas. “A-Rod hit .409 in the 2000 ALCS and .258 in the 2004 ALCS, which was 58 points higher than Derek Jeter hit in the same series. Obviously, A-Rod was Mister October that year and Jeter was, well, A-Rod. Right? Wrong. It’s just random, people. These hitters try to get hits every time they’re up. The good ones succeed more than the bad ones. That’s it.”

“Although it is impressive that he’s nailing Kate Hudson,” he added. “I still jerk off to Almost Famous.

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.











Random, Small Sample Size Of At-Bats Transforms A-Rod Into True Yankee

October 19 , 2009           
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