Group Of Disgusting Poor People Pass By Luxury Box

NEW YORK--According to a report by Lance Carlson, 43, of Manhattan, a group of disgusting poor people passed by his Madison Square Garden luxury box during last week’s Knicks-Nets game. The savages wore ratty clothes and spoke with a distinct Latino accent. It is not known how they acquired tickets to the game.

“This is a terrible embarrassment,” said Brian Donaldson, president of Madison Square Garden. “We have strict security measures to keep poor people away from the luxury boxes. I can assure you we will launch a full investigation and get to the bottom of this.”

Donaldson was alarmed by the security breach, but downplayed any threat to the general public.

“This is a frightening lapse in security, but at no point were the luxury box owners in any danger from the poor people,” he said. “Those boxes are like bomb shelters. If the Carlsons had been menaced by poor people, there would have been enough food and drink to last up to three weeks. Nobody would be able to penetrate the 8 inch glass and steel doors. Plus, they come equipped with stun guns.”

Despite Donaldson’s assertions, Carlson is furious with MSG security. He is demanding a thorough investigation, though he has backed off his threat to sue the Garden.

“This is completely unacceptable,” said Carlson. “Do you know how frightened my daughter was? She’s never seen a poor person in her life. She was deeply shaken by the incident and may never fully recover from the trauma. My God, what is the point of buying a luxury box if you run the risk of being exposed to commoners? I’m surprised I made it home with my wallet.”

Some witnesses said the poor people were lingering freely for close to an hour in the general vicinity of the luxury boxes. Though they were dressed garishly, talked in a ghetto slang, and smelled like marijuana, the security guards completely ignored them. The group exited at their leisure, returning to their seats where they stayed for the duration of the game.

“They were standing around for a good hour, and the entire time my family and I didn’t even want to breathe,” said Doug Scottsdale of East Hampton. “We were afraid they might notice us. So there we were, crouching in the corner of our luxury box, sweat dripping off our brows, while Barney Fife over there was sitting around with his thumb up his ass. We could’ve been killed, or at the very least harassed.”

The incident has prompted Garden officials to study new ways to increase luxury box security. Several other arenas around the country use high tech methods to protect their wealthiest patrons. The Fleet Center in Boston has erected electrified fences around the boxes and added armed security guards at the entrance to the luxury box section. Philadelphia’s Wachovia Arena boasts killer pitbulls trained to attack anyone who makes less than $100,000 a year.

“There are some extremely innovative ways to increase security without inconveniencing our customers," said Donaldson. “We always thought we could have light security and a relaxed atmosphere, but times have changed. Poor people are out there, and they’re coming for us. We have to be prepared to protect this home. We must protect this home! Ok, well that doesn’t have a great ring to it. But you get the point.”

Carlson is not satisfied with Donaldson’s promise to increase security. He would rather see the venue go a step further and ban poor people entirely.

“They should just stop letting poor people in the building. It’s as simple as that,” said Carlson. “These luxury boxes are expensive and my company is not paying for them so we can live in fear and disgust of these neanderthals. Regular fans have no business seeing games in person. That what TV is for. These arenas are for corporations, not people.”

But Donaldson points out that banning poor people from the arena is not an easy task. Since there is no written law barring the poor from mingling with the non-poor, the legal challenges would be great. Still, MSG may attempt to repel them in other ways.

“It would be extremely difficult for us to just come out and say ‘Disgusting poor people are not allowed at Madison Square Garden,’” he said. “We’d probably have the ACLU down here freaking out. Unbelievable, isn’t it? You try to make your business a safe place for the rich, and all of a sudden you’re ‘racist’ or ‘bigoted’ or ‘insane.’”

“But,” he continued. “There is a way to get rid of this rabble without officially barring them. All we would need to do is raise the prices of the tickets to a level where no normal human being could afford them. We’ve already been doing it, really, but the poor people still somehow manage to seep in. Maybe they’re mugging non-poor people of their tickets. Whatever the case, we obviously need a ticket increase. That, and more stun guns.”