Strength:
Reggie Bush is teaching the people of New Orleans to laugh again, to hope again, to love again. If they have another hurricane, he’ll be teaching them how to hop on a private jet to Houston.

Weakness:
Joe Horn had a shit season statistically last year, but there were extenuating circumstances that everyone knows about: Aaron Brooks was his quarterback.

Question Mark:
The Saints defense is going to need some time to gel this season. It should happen around week 18, when they get together for their end-of-season banquet. Those are usually a real bonding experience.

Outlook:
Sean Payton plans to implement on a new offensive scheme this year that relies more on quick, short passes and less on sucking. The increase in scoring should significantly cut down on their margin of defeat.

Strength:
Chris Simms is working hard to get out from under the shadow of his father, Phil Simms. I can relate to that. I’ve been working my whole life to get out from under the shadow of Phil Simms, too. It’s easier said than done, especially when you don't have a Super Bowl ring.

Weakness:
Cadillac Williams was overworked last season and ended up paying for it by missing a few games. Expect more of the same this year, as people don’t generally stop being pussies overnight.

Question Mark:
Opposing quarterbacks take note: Ronde Barber is in a contract year. I would avoid throwing in his direction until next year when he doesn’t need to try anymore.

Outlook:
Fantasy tip: Always get drunk during your draft so you can avoid focusing on how pointless it is.

Strength:
The Falcons are hoping Mike Vick can take them to the promised land. He can, but that promised land is called "Matt Schaub" and Vick will take them there by ambulance.

Weakness:
If Warrick Dunn spent less time helping poor people and more time concentrating on football, he might win a rushing title. It’s about the name on the front of the shirt, Warrick, not building houses for homeless people.

Question Mark:
The Falcons version of the west coast offense is a little bit different than the one Bill Walsh made famous in San Francisco. Walsh’s version was based more on short passes and less on complete chaos.

Outlook:
Here’s a hint for opposing defenses: quadruple team Alge Crumpler, then put the rest of your guys on Vick. It’ll take the Falcons coaching staff half the season to make adjustments to that.

Strength:
Keyshawn Johnson will provide and extra target for Jake Delhomme to pump fake to before throwing it to Steve Smith. This should help out a lot, because pump-faking to nobody is ineffective and a little crazy.

Weakness:
The old battering ram Stephen Davis is long gone, and he’s been replaced by the two-headed pussy of DeShaun Foster and D’Angelo Williams. These guys couldn’t convert a fourth and one if they were driving a truck.

Question mark:
If you’re a Panthers fan, you’ve got to be optimistic about this upcoming season. They’ve got a player at every position, and in some cases multiple players in case somebody gets hurt. Pencil them in for a Super Bowl this year, and 2 next year.

Outlook:
Fantasy tip: players whose first names begin with D-apostrophe are usually fast.

Strengths:
Rex Grossman is ready to help this team any way he can, whether as a backup or a starter. Well, that’s nice of him. It would be even nicer if he had a choice.

Weakness:
The Bears got nothing from the tight end position last year, so they smartly avoided taking any in a draft loaded with tight ends. Sometimes the best moves are the ones you’re too stupid to make.

Question Mark:
Cedric Benson is getting a lot of heat from his teammates these days, that’s okay. He’s not there to make friends. He’s there to get injured.

Outlook:
The Bears were on the fence about singing Ricky Manning until he savagely beat a nerd at Denny’s and they knew they had their man. That's exactly the kind of swagger they could have used against Steve Smith in the playoffs last year.

Strengths:
Marinelli is installing the Cover 2 defense in Detroit after having so much success with it in Tampa Bay. That’s a pretty effective defense because they have 2 guys standing way in the back or something.

Weakness:
First round draft pick Ernie Sims has had 5 concussions already in his short career. I bet he has the name of the President memorized by now.

Question Mark:
For Jon Kitna, football is third on the list behind God and family. Third? Super. Well I hope he finds time to run the offense. He sure has a full plate.

Outlook:
Going from Steve Mariucci to Rod Marinelli is like going from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan. You kind of miss the nice guy, but you know the crazy guy will stop at nothing to crush your enemies.

Strength:
Brett Favre is still the strength of this team. Say what you want about him, but he does possess a rudimentary knowledge of football, which places him above the coaching staff, the players, and the fans, who keep showing up to games for some reason.

Weakness:
Packers GM Ted Thompson wants so badly to be fired that he actually hired Mike McCarthy as head coach. That reminds me of the time I pissed in the fry-a-lator to try and get fired from McDonald’s. Except that was at least justified on some level.

Question Mark:
Charles Woodson is old, washed up, and overpaid. The only upside is that he can’t stay on the field. Maybe that's why they signed him.

Outlook:
There really isn’t very much to get excited about with this Packers team, unless you’re the opposition, in which case they’re like meeting Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and then flying to Disney Land in a spaceship made of candy.

Strength:
The Vikings roster has been overhauled, so fans can expect to see different names on the backs of the people sucking this year.

Weakness:
Zygi Wilf instituted a code of conduct last season. Sadly, that code of conduct doesn’t include catching, running, and tackling. They won’t be screwing on boats anymore, though, for what that’s worth.

Question Mark:
Brad Johnson may be underrated, but that doesn’t mean he’s good. It just means that everybody hates him for some reason.

Outlook:
Ten bucks says you can't tell me the name of the Vikings starting running back. Wrong! Its Chester Taylor. Pay up, asshole.

Strength:  
Greg Ellis has been asked to shift positions because of the new defense they’re installing. He’s agreed to do it. See, there are true heroes in our midst if only we would take the time to look.
                                         
Weakness:
Mike Vanderjagt should provide a huge upgrade at the kicker position. Actually he’ll provide a huge upgrade at the running back position if Julius Jones gets any worse.

Question Marks:
Roy Williams is one of the biggest hitters in the league. His secret? Wait for the receiver to catch the ball, let him run 10, 20 yards down the field, and then – bam! – level him in the end zone.

Outlook:
The Cowboys will have a miserable season, but in the process they will learn a lot about themselves, and that’s more valuable than a trophy that hundreds of other morons have already won.

Strength:
Joe Gibbs has proven that he can relate to today’s players with ease. The trick is to pay them millions of dollars and let your assistants deal with them.

Weakness:
In his third year, Jason Campbell is behind Todd Collins on the depth chart. That’s not exactly a badge of honor. Even being in the same room with Todd Collins is embarrassing.

Question mark:
Al Saunders is installing some crazy new offensive scheme that will be all bells and whistles and zig zags and fakes and whatnot. The best defense against that is to just stand there and let them run into each other.

Outlook:
Sean Taylor gets into a lot of trouble because he hangs out with the wrong people. He should hang out with me and my friends. We like watching Project Runway and eating hot pockets. And if we ever decided to pull a gun on someone, we’d at least be smart enough to wear ski masks.

Strength:
The Giants signed LaVar Arrington to a $49 million contract. This proves that Gregg Williams and Joe Gibbs are big dummies who don’t know anything about defense. They must be so embarrassed right now.

Weakness:
Eli Manning was pretty shaky last year, but he developed a real rapport with his receivers in the offseason by playing Madden 2006. He got spoiled, though, as the video game Plaxico Burress doesn't get the dropsies nearly as much as the real one.

Question Mark:
If you want a good laugh, check out Jeremy Shockey’s tattoos. If you want a really good laugh, check them out when he’s 80. Your sides will be hurting.

Outlook:
Mike Strahan better get his mind off his weirdo ex-wife and concentrate on playing the game. Remember, there are a million bitches out there, but you only get so many chances to win the Super Bowl.

Strength:
Brian Westbrook answered all the critics who said he couldn’t stay healthy by getting hurt in the preseason. It was nice of him to answer so quickly instead of making everybody wait around.

Weakness:
Defensive tackle Brodrick Bunkley is a great player but has a horrible motor. He’s the first of his kind in the NFL.

Question Mark:
Andy Reid lost offensive coordinator Brad Childress, so he’ll have to find somebody else to stand next to him while he calls the plays. I would promote someone from within the organization who’s already familiar with the proper standing techniques.

Outlook:
Ryan Moats is not the answer at running back. Luckily this team doesn’t run the ball, so there’s not even really a question.