The Raptors finally have a go-to scorer in Andrea Bargnani. They think they do, anyway. Who really knows what the hell this kid can do? The whole thing is a crapshoot. They were stupid to even bother trying.

The Bulls picked up Tyrus Thomas here and also added Ben Wallace, giving them two players who are so defensive minded they refuse to even score points themselves. Talk about commitment! Plus it's not like scoring points is a key aspect of winning basketball games or anything.

As far as Michael Jordan is concerned, the only negative about Adam Morrison is that he loves the kid and he’s a horrible judge of talent.

LaMarcus Aldridge has an amazing wingspan, which gives him something in common with Manute Bol, but can he play against the best athletes in the world? Yes, of course. He’s contractually obligated to do so.

This was a safe pick for the Hawks, unless Marcus Williams goes on to become a star. How embarrassing would that be? You draft the second coming of Shane Battier instead of a computer-stealing Bob Cousy.

The Timberwolves drafted Brandon Roy here and then traded him to the Blazers for Randy Foye, which is like drafting Ashley Olson and then trading her for Mary Kate. I couldn’t tell these guys apart if they were standing in front of me shouting their names into a megaphone.

Foye is a Chauncey Billups type player, which means he’s going to suck for six years and then start playing well after he signs with another team.

Some have questioned Rudy Gay’s heart because he doesn’t break down and cry on the floor or pound his chest or punch opponents in the balls. Wow, pardon him for being emotionally stable.

O’Bryant is a big man who was able to dominate at both ends of the floor during individual workouts. Things may be more difficult in the NBA, though, where teams often utilize other players to throw you off your game.

If Sonics fans want to catch their top draft pick in action, they can head on over to Europe where he’ll be playing in a high school gymnasium with a bunch of other confused looking tall people who never heard of basketball before last week. Boy, draft night sure is an adrenaline rush.

JJ Redick can shoot the lights out. The question is, can he get his shot off against NBA defenders? Absolutely. It just won't go in.

Armstrong is a big man with decent hands who will shore up the Hornets front line. Should be extremely valuable some day as an expiring contract.

Here’s a guy who’s really athletic and can play defense. The only negative is that he’s from Switzerland, which means he’ll probably want to remain neutral instead of siding with one particular team.

Nike is now canceling plans for their Marcus Williams "We are all witnesses" ad campaign.

All during last season I kept saying that the Hornets were one piece away from winning a title. With the acquisition of Simmons they are now two pieces away. It’s called subtraction by addition.

This guy is a banger, but they tend to frown on banging in the NBA, unless you’re Dwyane Wade and you punch someone in the face, in which case they’ll call a foul on that person.

They could have had Marcus Williams here but instead took a risk by selecting a player who isn’t any good. Its not a bad strategy, really, because players who aren’t any good usually go nuts diving after loose balls and shit.

The good thing about communist players is that they are not selfish. They want the workload to be distributed in a fair and equal way amongst all the players. The bad thing is that they’re godless maniacs.

This could be the sleeper pick of the draft. Sleeper picks are picks that appear to be shitty at first but turn out to be extremely talented and productive players. Douby is halfway there in that he appears to be shitty.

Okay, so they got a guy who was projected to go in the second round. So they passed on another overrated point guard. So what? This guy has elbows, right? Good, then he can stand in the paint and end some careers.

Rajun Rondo is a great defender but he couldn’t find the bottom of the basket if he was slam dunked into it. Apparently the Celtics ares stockpiling crappy shooters for a potential trade to a team that values crappy shooters.

Will Marcus Williams come into training camp with a chip on his shoulder after being passed up by 21 teams? Duh, or course he will. Although he’s the kind of guy that, at the mention of the word chip, will be rumbling over to the 7-11 in his Escalade to pick up bag of ruffles. The only chips in this guy are being processed by his digestive system.

Josh Boone has great hands. He’ll be able to catch those hard passes from Jason Kidd, throw it down, and pick up the offensive foul. Think Danny Fortson without the pigtails.

The Grizzlies traded Shane Battier, one of those teacher’s pet-types that will probably put an apple on Jeff Van Gundy’s desk every morning, for Stromile Swift, a guy who would be too lazy to call 911 if he saw Van Gundy choking on that apple. They also got Kyle Lowry, who should avoid passing to Swift if he ever wants to record an assist.

The Cavaliers had their sights set on LaMarcus Aldridge with this pick, but he was gone at number two. So instead they settled for an unknown from Michigan State. Ouch. Mark this down as the worst draft in team history.

The Lakers point guard position last season was pretty productive if you ignore the stats and all other qualifiers of athletic success. What the Lakers were good at last year was passing the ball to Kobe and heading to the locker room to watch it on TV.

Rodriguez was traded to Portland and “sent overseas to develop.” Being sent overseas to develop is the same thing as not being drafted at all, except now some NBA team has the right to rustle you out of bed at night and order you to come to America to play in the NBDL.  

The Mavericks chose the best player available here in Maurice Ager. That’s about all I can say about this guy because my internet is down and I can’t read what other people are saying.

Whoa, we’re getting down into the bowels of the draft now. Gross. It smells. Let’s get out of here before we get bitten by something.

I suppose at 7 feet, Freeland had no choice but to become a basketball player. Now we have no choice but to watch him. This is a lose-lose situation for everyone involved.