NEW YORK--NBA owners and league officials have voiced concern recently over commissioner David Stern’s erratic, obsessive, and paranoid behavior, and there’s a growing fear that he is no longer fit to run the league. In an effort to reassure his critics today, Stern held a press conference and insisted that his rapid descent into madness will in no way adversely affect the NBA.

“I am still perfectly capable of doing my job, despite the fact that I’m going crazy,” a smiling, relaxed Stern told reporters today. “In fact, the league is healthier than it’s ever been. Fan interest is at an all time high, we are expanding globally, and, most importantly, our players are as cohesively uniformed as ever. The path to riches is paved with identical-sized wristbands and tucked-in shirts. I truly believe that. For my next project, I’m going to do something about all the tattoos. My God, have you seen that Delonte West kid? He looks like he’s been vandalized by a bunch of kids with spray paint. I’ve seen Subway stations with less graffiti.”

The past few months have seen Stern institute a number of rules to regulate the appearance and behavior of the league’s players. The most controversial is the rule that forbids players from arguing foul calls during games, but there are several other rules, mostly governing attire, that have riled players as well.

For starters, any player caught wearing his wrist band too far up his arm will be fined. Players wearing rubber bands with their names on them will also be fined, as will players who pull their jerseys out of their shorts when coming out of a game. Players who chew gum or sway back and forth during the National Anthem will be subjected to a call from the league.

Critics of the new rules say they appear to have been created by a deranged, obsessive-compulsive control freak.

“These new rules are getting crazier and crazier by the day,” said players union chief Billy Hunter. “It’s one thing to make the players wear suits to press conferences, but to regulate wrist band size and swaying back and forth during the National Anthem? That’s weird. David Stern has become unhinged. He’s displaying classic traits of a person with a crippling OCD. Put someone else in there and get David the help that he needs. Either that or transfer him to a position where he holds no power and has no authority to impact anything, like head of the players union.”

Hunter also accused Stern of trying to appease his mostly white fan base at the expense of the black players’ individuality.

“David just wants to improve the way the black players appeal to the white populace,” he said. “This is a guy who actually met with one of President Bush’s political consultants to figure out how to make the players more appealing to people in red states. If these people already dislike black people, I seriously doubt they’re going to change their minds if the players tuck in their shirts and pay attention during the National Anthem, even though that’s essentially why the voted for President Bush.”

Stern’s madness is not just relegated to the court. According to league sources, his behavior behind the scenes in recent weeks has been anything but sane.

One NBA owner came back from a meeting with Stern with some startling observations:

“There’s something wrong with that guy,” said the owner, who asked not to be identified. “You should see the way his office looks. It’s so picture perfect it’s frightening. When I sat down to talk to him, he got up from his seat, walked over to my chair, and pulled it to the right, explaining that the legs had to be nestled in the same four rug indentations at all times. Then he started rocking back and forth when I grabbed a pen out of his pen holder and didn’t stop until I put it back. Oh, and when I left and was walking back down the hall, I overheard him telling his secretary to ‘bring in the hose.’

“Bring in the hose? I didn’t realize I smelled that bad. Although, to be fair, my secretary and I use that phrase often and it’s got nothing to do with cleaning.”

Despite being batshit, Stern says he has no plans to take a leave of absence or seek psychiatric help. Instead, he’ll continue to be the face of the league and tweak the rules and regulations as he sees fit.

“It would be one thing if the league was floundering and we were hemorrhaging money,” said Stern. “But the fact is, my changes are working. The league is more appealing now to the casual fan. Pretty soon we’re going to have the players marching onto the court in military formation, with me barking out commands through a bullhorn. They’ll be forced to smile and sing John Mellencamp songs on command. Also, they’ll no longer be allowed to open fire in strip club parking lots while their friends pummel handicapped people. Yea, I know. That’s one going to be tough to enforce.”


Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.