SAN FRANCISCO - Colin Kaepernick, a 29 year-old free agent quarterback just four years removed from playing in a Super Bowl, remains unsigned well into June. Many observers attribute his plight to his controversial decision to kneel during the national anthem last season, but a recent report in the San Franscio Chronicle casts doubt on that theory. According to the Chronicle, Kaepernick’s horrible hair is the real reason teams aren’t signing him.

The report included quotes from several team officials who appeared to confirm the findings.

“Oh God, that hair!” said one GM, who asked not to be identified. “I could never sign a guy who looks like that. I got nothing against afros, but his is just….it's just…wrong. His face and head are the wrong shape for it. And I'm not the only one who feels this way. Someone needs to talk some sense into this kid before he gets blacklisted forever over it.”

Another GM echoed those sentiments.

“Nobody wants to sign a guy whose head looks like a giant mushroom," he said. “It’s too bad, too, because the kid has talent, and I admired his courage in choosing to protest during the national anthem. He should use that same courage to pick up a razor and shave that monstrosity. At least then that courage would be used in service of something that would actually make a difference.”

An AFC coach whose team is in the market for a quarterback admitted to being “infuriated” when he saw Kaepernick kneeling for the national anthem in a 2016 game – but not for the reasons one would expect.

“I remember standing on the sidelines during the game and just fuming,” said the coach. “There was this line of guys standing for the national anthem, and in between them I could just see this giant tuft of hair. I thought ‘What the fuck? Did somebody bring their poodle to the game?’ But no, it was Colin Kaepernick and his oversized, misshapen hair helmet. I threw down my headset and disgust and kicked a Gatorade bucket. Ok so I have anger management issues, but still it's crappy hair.”

Kaepernick’s national anthem protests have been a polarizing issue for the nation. Yet in the NFL, support for his decision has been consistently high. That support contradicts any notion that he is being blackballed for political reasons.

“Oh I think its great what he’s doing,” said Seahawks coach Pete Carroll. “You know, he’s a conscientious young man who is using his status as an NFL player to try and enact positive change in society. We need more players like him. Except ones that, you know, can actually play.”

“I think it’s cute,” said Saints quarterback Drew Brees. “It makes me nostalgic for a more innocent time when athletes weren't afraid of making political stances. Nowadays you barely know where any of them stand. Of course that could be a good thing. Roughly 70 percent of the people playing in the league right now would vote for Drake if he ran for president. The other 30 percent voted for Donald Trump.”

Of Kaepernick’s hair, Brees said, “it’s a fucking dumpster fire.”

Kaeprnick is immune to all the criticism, however, and says he has no doubt in his mind he will play in the NFL again, with or without the afro.  

“Oh, it doesn’t bother me,” Kaepernick said. “I know a lot of teams wont sign me because of my hair, but I’m not changing. See, I have the courage of my convictions. I will play in the NFL again, and I will do it on my terms, with my hair. And even if I don’t – who gives a shit? I’m the new Rosa Parks, bitch. I was on Time magazine. I’m set for life.”


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Report: Horrible Hair Real Reason Teams Aren’t Signing Colin Kaepernick

June 16, 2017        
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