LOS ANGELES--Lebron James may have fallen short of his goal of winning an NBA championship this season, but he took home an award Sunday night that's far more prestigious: the Wealthiest Athlete of the Year ESPY.

James, beaming with pride, accepted the award from fellow rich person Mariah Carey and wiped away a tear before making an emotional speech.

“It is such an honor to be here, among all these wealthy, wealthy people and be presented this award that shows that I am the wealthiest,” said James. “In fact, I could buy and sell many of you several times over. I could also very easily nail any girl here, including you, Mariah, if I was so inclined. One might say that I’m this generation’s Michael Jordan, minus the championships. But it doesn’t matter. They’re paying me like I’ve already won 7 or 8 of them. It’s like a forgone conclusion. Only in America!”

James wrapped up his speech by thanking those responsible for his staggering amount of material wealth.

“I want to thank the fans, my mom, the Lord, and most importantly, Doc Naismith, who created this game and laid the foundation for otherwise unremarkable people to get rich by being really good at it,” James said. “And finally, before this limousine takes me back to my seat, I want to remind everybody watching that you’ll never be as rich as me. Heh. Sorry, I just get a kick out of saying that.”

James recently signed an $80 million contract extension with the Cleveland Cavaliers to go along with the hundreds of millions he has already earned from product endorsements. But he isn’t resting on his laurels. In the coming years he plans to become even wealthier, by marketing himself as a global icon along the lines of Muhammad Ali or Pele.

In winning the Wealthiest Athlete of the Year award, James beat out several worthy nominees, including Shaquille O’Neal, Tiger Woods, Alex Rodriguez, and the host of the ESPY’s, Lance Armstrong. Armstrong admitted to being disappointed, but said he couldn’t argue with the results.

“I really wanted that one, but just to be mentioned in the same breath as people like Lebron, Tiger, and Shaq is a thrill,” Armstrong told reporters after the show. “The wealth that these guys possess is awe-inspiring. Did you see Shaq’s ride? Wow. Nothing says class like a stretch Hummer limousine with monster truck tires and a purple light emanating from the bottom. Very impressive. ”

Armstrong was also impressed with the opulence of ESPN’s after-party.

“ESPN sure knows how to entertain rich people,” he said. “I think they had about 1,000 cases of Cristal. They also gave away gift bags worth about $80,000. But my favorite part was when they brought the kids from the Boys and Girls club in to see what you can get if you really work hard and apply yourself: cars, gold, booze, and bitches – hot, Maxim- quality ones, too, not those frumpy little buzzards you see in the real world.”

James was also nominated for the Biggest Rims ESPY and Most Ostentatious House ESPY, but lost out to the Heat's Dwyane Wade. However, Wade knows that the Wealthiest Player award is the only one that really matters.

“I have to give credit to Lebron,” he said. “He’s definitely wealthier than me, which is saying a lot because I am filthy, stinking rich. Sometimes I wonder how much richer I can get, then I realize that the sky’s the limit. I just have to keep throwing it on the pile.”

“Money isn’t everything, though,” he added. “You have to be a good person, too. That’s why we all give million of dollars to charity every year. We’re so rich! We’re so generous! We’re so attractive! I just wish I could clone myself so I could make love to myself. Wouldn’t that be great? It beats the hell out of trying to make love to a Hummer. That just doesn’t feel right, even with the oversized chrome tailpipes.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.