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Steelers Still Trying To Put Positive Spin On Super Bowl Win

PITTSBURGH--It’s two days later, and the Pittsburgh Steelers are still trying to put a positive spin on their victory Sunday, which made them Super Bowl champions for the first time since 1979. The game was marred by sloppy play as well as some questionable officiating. The Steelers performance was so bad that many players felt bad afterward. “I just want to apologize to the city of Pittsburgh for my performance... Full Article>>

Seattle Players Stayed Sober All Week For Nothing

DETROIT--In order to be properly focused for their Super Bowl matchup with the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Seattle Seahawks spent the entire week studying film, practicing, avoiding parties, and going to bed early. Unfortunately, they lost the game anyway. Now some Seahawk players are starting to regret staying sober all week for nothing. “Well that was a waste of frigging time,” said lineman Steve Hutchinson, who didn’t touch one drop of booze... Full Article>


	Emeka Okafor’s Grade Point Average Not Doing Much For Him Now
	CHARLOTTE, NC--Emeka Okafor, center for the Charlotte Bobcats, has yet to turn into the dominating center the Bobcats hoped for when they selected him with the second pick in the 2004 draft. Even his world-renowned 3.8 grade point average, which he graduated with after three years at UConn, isn’t doing much for him as he sits on the bench in street clothes nursing a bum ankle. “Yea, he’s helping us a lot. What a great pick that was,” said coach Bernie Bickerstaff. “Such a smart kid, too. Can you believe that grade point average? Unbelievable. Maybe while he’s sitting there on the bench he can read A Tale of Two Cities or something. Then when he gets back on the court he can recite Shakespearean love sonnets while dumber players hammer slam dunks in his face. I’m telling you, this is the last time I draft somebody intelligent.” .

	Hamas Lays Down Arms After Stirring Stevie Wonder Medley
	GAZA--Palestinian Islamic group Hamas shocked the world today by agreeing to lay down their arms permanently and recognize Israel’s right to exist. A spokesman for the group, Mohammed Nazzal, said the decision was made after leaders watched Stevie Wonder’s Super Bowl pre-game medley, which ended with the legendary singer making an impassioned plea for peace and tolerance. “Our hearts were warmed by that blind man, Stevie Wonder, and his call for peace and understanding,” said Nazzal. “His words were so very poignant. You know, we really are all in this together. We’ve got to work together. We’ve got to join hands. We’ve got to stop the madness and teach our children how to love again. That is why we are laying down our arms for good. From now on, we are all about coming together and having a good time.”

Celtics-Timberwolves Trade Somehow Makes Both Teams Worse
BOSTON--The 7-player trade that occurred between the Boston Celtics and the Minnesota Timberwolves last week is already having a profound effect on both clubs. The Celtics are 1-5 since the deal, while the Timberwolves are 1-3. Neither team appears to have benefited from the trade. In fact, both appear to have gotten considerably worse. Full Article>>

Damon Disappointed To Hear A-Rod Doesn’t Swing
NEW YORK--Newly acquired centerfielder Johnny Damon has already forged a friendship with Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez in the short time he has been in New York. The two regularly eat dinner together and have frequented popular Manhattan night spots together with their wives. Damon admitted to being disappointed, however, when he learned that Rodriguez and his wife, Cynthia, do not swing. Full Article>>

Shaun Alexander Looking To Retire A Seahawk After Five-Year Stint Somewhere Else
SEATTLE--Moments after the end of Super Bowl XL, Seattle free agent Shaun Alexander declared that he “definitely” wants to retire a Seahawk. He added, however, that he is not close to retirement age and planned to sign with somebody else until he is ready to walk away from the game. Full Article>>

Super Bowl Begins With Moment Of Silence For Detroit Lions
DETROIT- Prior to the start of Super Bowl XL, the crowd in attendance was asked to observe a moment of silence for the Detroit Lions, who call Ford Field home but have not been to a Super Bowl since 1957.
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please," spoke the public address announcer moments before kickoff. "Before we begin Super Bowl XL, we ask that you please observe a moment of silence for the pathetic Detroit Lions, who, let's face it, have no chance of ever returning to the Super Bowl in any of our lifetimes and might as well just stop trying at this point."
The moment of silence lasted 20 seconds, and was concluded by the PA announcer leading the crowd in a chant of "Fire Matt Millen."

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