INDIANAPOLIS--Throughout the years the UCLA Bruins have established themselves as the gold standard for college basketball. Having boasted stars such as Bill Walton, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and coach John Wooden, they have won 11 championships, more than any other school in history. That didn’t seem to faze the 2006 Bruins, who last night overcame that storied history to have their asses handed to them by the Florida Gators.

After the game, coach Ben Howland praised his team’s effort.

“We came into this game with a lot of history hanging over our heads,” said Howland. “You see all of our championship banners, you think about all the great players we’ve had here, you listen to Bill Walton rambling about the dominance of the program – it can get intimidating. But despite our storied history, we were able to go out there and get steamrolled like a bunch of community college walk-ons. That shows a lot of character on behalf of our guys, and a disturbing lack of basketball prowess.”

When Howland was hired to coach UCLA, he vowed to bring the program back to national prominence. With this season, he has done that. Unfortunately, he couldn't close the deal

“The program certainly has come a long way in the past couple years,” he said. “We are doing our best to restore UCLA to glory. But in a sense, we’re blazing our own trail. This isn’t your daddy’s UCLA team. Your daddy’s UCLA team probably would have been able to avoid shooting the ball directly into Joakim Noah’s hand.”

The Bruins historic loss is especially impressive because it occurred in front of dozens of UCLA luminaries, many of whom came to the game expecting yet championship. They were shocked, however, to witness something far different.

Said Bill Walton: “UCLA is the most dominant force that college basketball has ever seen. They always win championship games. The foundation was laid many years ago by my coach, my mentor, John Wooden, who told us ‘Never let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.’ Unfortunately this year’s team did just that. They let the fact that they couldn’t win a national championship interfere with winning a national championship, if you follow me. If you don’t, I can understand. I am so, so high right now.”

In contrast to UCLA, the Florida Gators are an upstart program with very little tradition. The 2006 championship is the first men’s basketball title in school history. The fact that they were able to beat a powerhouse like UCLA is a sign that times have changed in the NCAA.

“A lot of people talked to us about UCLA’s history, and our lack of history” said guard Lee Humphrey. “So coming into this game we knew we were up against it. But you know what? It turned out to be pretty easy. They were no better than George Mason. I guess the upside for them is that they’re young and will be back again next year. The downside is that we will, too.”

In a subdued UCLA locker room, players searched for answers and vowed to return next season to finish what they started.

“I thought we would do a lot better than we did,” said sophomore guard Jordan Farmar. “But we’re going to work our butts off in the offseason to come back and take another shot at this thing. Coach Howland is always telling us that at UCLA, losing is unacceptable. He’s been saying it since he got here. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, though, because we just lost and have no choice but to sit here and accept it. Maybe coach Howland should just stick to coaching and leave the inspirational quotes to John Wooden.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.