NEW YORK--According to a recent survey, most Americans would happily play for a non-contending team, unlike pro athletes, who often complain when their team is playing poorly and demand to be traded to a contender. Strangely, many of these players are lauded for their “desire to win” rather than criticized for their disloyalty and pettiness.

“I would play for a non-contender. I think I could definitely put up with that for the amount of money I was being paid,” said Rich Godlewski, 36, a construction worker who took part in the survey. “I mean, sure if I had my choice I would rather win, but if I signed a whopping contract with a team and they weren’t successful, I would probably be able to do deal with it. I’m a strong person like that. I can adapt to all kinds of adverse situations.”

“I would play for the Bad News Bears if the money was right,” said bartender Jon Holden, 40. “I would play for the Washington Generals. Hell, I’d even play for the New York Knicks. What’s up with these players demanding trades to contenders? Sure, we’d all love to contend, but you can’t always get what you want. Suck it up and try to endure. Remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.”

One such player who is said to be looking for a change of scenery is Minnesota Timberwolves star Kevin Garnett. Garnett, who makes around $20 million per season, is frustrated with his team’s recent woes and would like a chance to win a championship before he retires.

“It’s really frustrating for me to have to watch this team sink into oblivion,” said Garnett, the only bright spot on a mediocre Timberwolves roster. “If I don’t win a championship my entire career will be a waste, even though the vast majority of players never win one. But the media has decreed that I need a title in order to validate my career, so I guess I don't have much choice. ”

During the Major League Baseball offseason, Baltimore Orioles shortstop Miguel Tejada asked for a trade to a team that had a chance to compete for the division title. Just two years earlier, the Orioles had committed to Tejada for $72 million. Apparently, Tejada believed the long term deal represented a guarantee that the team would win the pennant.

“I can’t play for this team if we’re not going to contend,” Tejada said at the time. “I know a lot of players never win a damn thing, but I’m special. I’m different. I want to win a World Series, and I’m going to sulk and complain until someone sends me to a contender. Yes, I know I left a contending team because they couldn’t afford to pay me what I wanted, but still, I want my cake and I want to eat it, too. I want several cakes and some ice cream and I want to eat them all with a big golden spoon while sitting atop a chariot carried by slave girls. Is that too much to ask? ”

Tejada did not get his wish, however, and after a meeting with the Orioles front office, rescinded his trade demand and agreed to play for the Baltimore Orioles.

“I feel much better after talking to the brass,” said Tejada. “They assured me that they were making every effort to build a contender here in Baltimore. So I’m good – for now. If things don’t improve after this season I’m going to whatever team can a) pay me my millions, and b) guarantee that I will win. Because I am not just about individual achievement. I am about being on a winning team, even if it means reneging on my contract. Isn’t that noble?”

 

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  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Survey: Most Americans Would Play For Non-Contender

March 28 , 2006 Volume 2 Issue 36