CHICAGO--Chicago Bulls coach Scott Skiles is locked in a feud with his new center, Ben Wallace, over Wallace’s insistence on wearing a headband during games. Skiles is a staunch anti-headband crusader and refuses to budge from his belief that the thin pieces of cloth can drive a team into the ground. He even suggested that the Detroit Pistons’ 2004 NBA title was tainted by the wearing of headbands by several players, including Wallace himself.

“I’d rather not win a championship than win one with a bunch of headband-wearers,” Skiles said today after practice. “I could care less if the Pistons won a title in 2004 because half of those guys were wearing headbands. I mean, big deal, you won a championship. So what? You had to sell your soul to do it. Meanwhile I sleep well every night knowing that I stuck to my principles. When I finally do win a title, it’s not going to be tainted by those horrible pieces of cloth. It might be tainted by all my players hating me, but I can live with that.”

During the Pistons 2004 championship run, three starters, Ben Wallace, Rasheed Wallace, and Rip Hamilton all sported headbands. Since it did not appear to affect their play, coach Larry Brown allowed it to continue unabated. That decision caused Skiles to lose all respect for his coaching colleague.

“That guy disgusts me,” said Skiles. “You’re out there on the national stage competing for a championship, and you’re going to trot out a bunch of guys wearing headbands? What, the sweat was getting in their eyes? Big deal. They’re all making millions of dollars. They can live with a little sweat. To me, that was the beginning of the end for Larry. He sold out and he eventually paid for it with his job and his reputation. I’m not going out that way, my friend. I will fight tooth and nail to rid the league of this scourge. Down with headbands! Up with…um…naked heads!”

Skiles’ stubbornness has gotten under the skin of several of his players, most notably Wallace, who signed a $60 million contract with the Bulls in the offseason. Wallace has been a regular headband-wearer for most of his career, and is having a hard time adjusting to life without the sweat absorbing wraps.

“I love wearing headbands. They’re useful, and they look cool, too,” said Wallace. “I never imagined playing for a coach who refused to let me wear one. Is he just being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn? I’m sorry, but that’s not how you should be running the team. A coach should be supportive and open-minded, not petty. Well, I’m wearing the headband anyway. $60 million or not, I have a right to wear what I want on the job, and I know that every hard-working American out there will sympathize with my struggle. Don’t worry, everyone! I’m not giving in!”

Wallace has already been benched once for his refusal to comply with Skiles’ rules, and the star center says he’s willing to be benched again to stand up for his beliefs.

“I have a lot of pride and integrity,” said Wallace. “I’ve always been taught to stand up for my beliefs. I don’t care if it means sitting out the whole damn season. I would rather not win a title than win one without a headband on my head. That’s why I’m still wearing it, and I urge all my teammates to do the same. We shouldn’t let our coach humiliate us with these draculanian rules…draconial…draconian. Whatever. It means ‘derived from Dracula,’ okay? Sorry if I didn't pronounce it right.”

If the Bulls do win a championship this year, it will be considered tainted by either Skiles or Wallace, depending on who blinks first. The rest of the team, however, would prefer to see the issue resolved before it does further damage to team chemistry.

“To tell you the truth, I could care less if we get to wear the stupid headbands or not,” said guard Ben Gordon. “I would just like to see this whole thing laid to rest. Everybody knows Coach Skiles has a lot of stupid rules so you just deal with them and play your game and laugh all the way to the bank. This team has more important things to worry about right now, anyway, like the fact that we’re not playing very well, and the fact that we can’t even listen to music before the games. Jesus, talk about draconian! If we can’t listen to a few songs before the game, I’m sorry, but we might as well forget about winning a title. It’s going to be tainted anyway.”

 
Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.