LOS ANGELES--Ambulances and rescue personnel sped to the scene of a Los Angeles Best Buy store on Sunday after dozens of NBA players were trampled in a mad rush to purchase the new video game, Scarface: The World is Yours. Officials say that 57 players were hospitalized and 23 of them are in critical condition.

NBA players who were present at the stampede called it “violent” and “horrifying.”

“There were just a lot of people running over each other, trying to get to the Scarface display,” said Timberwolves guard Ricky Davis, who sustained a broken arm and concussion in the melee. “At one point I fell down and could not get back up again. Somebody stepped on my head, then someone else stepped on my back. By the team it was all over, I was lying there in a daze with this throbbing pain all over my body. I could hear people groaning all around me. The gravity of the whole thing hit me when I looked up and saw there were no copies of the game left. My God, I was going to have to order online and wait a day for it to show up. At that point I figured I’d be better off dead.”

It was then that Davis summoned the strength to stand up, and noticed a stray copy of Scarface pinned under the unconscious body of another player, the Charlotte Hornets’ Tyson Chandler.

“As I pulled myself up onto my feet, I noticed Tyson Chandler laying there, and his head was resting on a copy of the game,” Davis said. “Naturally I was excited because I assumed he was dead and I could just grab it and get the hell out of there. Only he suddenly came to and started fighting me for it. We got into a tug of war and he wouldn’t let go. Finally I kicked him several times in the face and knocked him unconscious. I ran out just as the cops and ambulances were showing up. I went home and played the game all night. I actually got to the end. Anybody know when the sequel is coming out?”

The manager of the Best Buy, John Calienda, said he sensed trouble when a huge throng of NBA players gathered outside the store in anticipation of the October 8th release date.

“They started showing up on Saturday night, and by the time we opened on Sunday there were at least 100 of them waiting outside the store,” said Calienda. “They were all just milling around talking on their cell phones. The parking lot looked like an Escalade dealership. I was almost blinded by the chrome rims. I had never seen so many tacky, tacky automobiles. Then when the doors opened, I got rushed. The next thing I remember, I was in the back of an ambulance. I had a broken nose a three broken ribs. All that for a lousy, third generation Grand Theft Auto knockoff.”

The movie Scarface is hugely popular among professional athletes, most notably NBA players. In a poll conducted last year, 98 percent of the players admitted to owning the movie and at least four Scarface posters. According to players, the appeal of the movie is obvious.

“A lot of athletes love Scarface because we can relate to it,” said Warriors guard Baron Davis. “Tony Montana came from nothing and rose to power by working hard and refusing to give up. That’s similar to what a lot of us went through on our journey to NBA stardom. Also, he killed a lot of people, was fiercely addicted to cocaine, and had an unhealthy obsession with his sister. Anybody who’s that fucked up is bound to be admired by NBA players.”

“I actually think Tony Montana can be a positive role model for kids,” he continued. “He teaches that if you work hard enough, you can achieve all of your dreams, and if anybody stands in your way you should mow them down in a hail of gunfire. What, that's not a good lesson? It's a helluva lot more practical than 'stay in school.' ”

Injuries resulting from the stampede are expected to have a serious impact on the upcoming NBA season, which starts in three weeks. Some teams will be hit harder than others, like the Los Angeles Clippers, who lost both Corey Maggette (back injury) and Shaun Livingston (ruptured spleen).

Coach Mike Dunleavy said the situation was “tragic an unnecessary.”

“It’s just too bad that so many people got hurt because this didn’t have to happen,” he said. “If the players showed a little more patience they could have all acquired the video game in due time. Unfortunately, when it comes to Scarface, these guys lose their heads a little. It’s not that I can’t relate. Believe me, if they came out with a video game version of The Big Chill, I'd be the first in line to get it and would kill anybody who got in my way. ”

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  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

 

         

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Dozens Of NBA Players Trampled In Rush To Get New Scarface Video Game

October 10, 2006 Volume 2 Issue 64