THOUSAND OAKS, CA--Amidst of a flurry of embarrassing revelations about his alleged extra-marital affairs, golfer Tiger Woods went public today with a desperate plea for privacy. The plea, in the form of a written statement posted on his website, was addressed to his wife, Elin Nordegren.

“To my wife, Elin: Please respect my privacy in this delicate matter,” the statement began. “Though I admit to making mistakes, the extent to which you are hounding me for information on these deeply personal matters is dismaying. I understand that I am your husband, but that does not mean I don't have a right to privacy. Please leave me alone. And stop going through my shit.”

In the statement, Woods refused to go into details about any of his alleged affairs.

“I will try to be a better person,” he said. “I will try to be the great husband and father that my family deserves. But this is a situation I will be dealing with by myself, not in the public spotlight and certainly not with the help of my wife, who will just freak out and go all batshit and make everything worse.”

Since the National Enquirer published a story last week about Woods’ alleged affair with nightclub manager Rachel Uchitel, Woods has been under increased scrutiny from his wife, who has bombarded him with requests for information and new accusations of infidelity. Woods called the attention “suffocating.”

“The constant, 24-hour bombardment from my wife has been suffocating,” said Woods. “I understand that my wife wants to know what’s going on, but that doesn’t mean I should be subjected to embarrassing personal revelations about who I am or am not banging. This has been very painful to my family, especially my wife. So honey, if you don’t want any more pain, don’t ask any more questions.”

Many media members, athletes, and celebrities have weighed in on whether Woods should come clean about his transgressions or keep them behind closed doors. So far, public opinion has been mixed, but Woods did receive some support from a celebrity friend on Tuesday.

“I think it’s ridiculous that Tiger is being forced to talk about his personal life like this,” said TNT’s Charles Barkley, a longtime friend of Woods. “This is between Tiger and whatever chick he’s sleeping with on the side. It’s not the media’s business, it’s not the public’s business and it’s certainly not his wife’s business. Why is it so important for her to know who he’s sleeping with? That has nothing to with golf. I guess because she, like everyone else, can’t get enough of these tawdry celebrity scandals.”

Unfortunately for Tiger, things are about to get worse. A new woman, a San Diego cocktail waitress named Jaimee Grubbs, has gone public with a two-year affair she had with the golfer, and claims to have the text messages and voice mails to prove it.

Said Tiger: “Like the other allegations, I will deal with this matter privately and ask my wife Elin to refrain from scratching and punching me in places that are visible to the public.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Tiger Woods To Wife: ‘Please Respect My Privacy in This Matter’

December 2 , 2009           
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