Woody Paige Overdoses On Painkillers Following Heartbreaking Around the Horn Loss

NEW YORK--A “devastated” Woody Paige overdosed on painkillers Monday night following a heartbreaking loss on ESPN’s Around the Horn. Paige, a regular on the show, had an early lead but lost it to a hard-charging Jay Mariotti. He is currently in stable condition at an undisclosed hospital.

“I saw this coming. I really did,” Mariotti told reporters after hearing the news. “Woody is a true competitor who does not like to lose, especially when it comes to competitive bantering. He’s been in a little slump lately and when I made my big, stirring comeback at the end of Monday’s show, I think that just put him over the top. I feel for him. Around the Horn truly is a harsh mistress.”

Mariotti said Paige’s behavior after the show was “erratic.”

“I was afraid to approach him because I knew he would be pretty devastated after a loss like that,” he said. “But I went up to him anyway, just to pat him on the back. He turned around and had this crazy, freaky look in his eyes. So naturally I thought everything was normal.”

Unfortunately, Paige’s behavior was far from normal. He lashed out against Mariotti and stormed out the door, screaming profanities along the way.

“Oh my God I’ve never seen him like that,” Mariotti recalled. “He was like ‘Fuck you! Fuck you, you smug bastard! Get your hands off me. I’ve had enough of this show! I’ve had enough of all of you rotten bastards!’ He was pissed, and eventually I was, too. I told him I would see his sorry ass tomorrow on the show and smack him down. I laid down the gauntlet, man. I’m crazy. I just wish Tony [Reali, the show’s host] was here to award me some points.”

Around the Horn is a nightly, half-hour talk show featuring five journalists from different regions of the country arguing about sports. The show’s moderator, Tony Reali, awards points to the journalists who make the best arguments. At the end of the show, the person with the most points is declared the winner. On Monday’s show, Paige started out strong, but was done in by his weak comments regarding the return of Barry Bonds.

“The return of Barry Bonds is important because other teams want to scout him!” Paige desperately shouted. “Like the Angels! Yes, the Angels! They want Bonds. They um…told me yesterday! They—“

But he was cut off by Reali, who humiliated Paige by pressing the “mute” button. Other panelists can relate to Paige’s mental problems. The pressure to win on the show is great and each episode is a grueling, anxiety filled war of attrition.

“I’d be lying if I sat here and told you that I didn’t cry myself to sleep some nights,” said the Boston Globe’s Bob Ryan, part of the show’s regular lineup. “You tend to sit up in bed and wonder what you could’ve said differently. There are times when I’m so full of regret and sadness that I can barely get up in the morning. But I must go on. I will not abandon the three people in America who watch this show.”

Paige’s condition is said to be improving and doctors expect him to make a full recovery. While it’s too early to say whether he will be back, doctors are advising against it, citing the potential for burnout, or worse, a nervous breakdown.

“We are going to advise Mr. Paige not to return to the show, at least for a while,” said Dr. Randy Thurber, a heart specialist. “This overdose is a wake up call for him, and for the show. It’s time we started paying attention to the effects of constant yelling and screaming and debating. The pressure on these guys is intense. Nobody wants to walk out of that studio a loser. It’s just the warrior mentality that they have. It does take its toll, though. Just look at Woody. He’s never going to be the same again. Not that that’s a bad thing.”