LAS VEGAS--Team USA basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski suggested today that Atlantic Coast Conference referees be allowed to work the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. He called the officials, who have often been accused of favoring his Duke Blue Devils, “some of the best in the world.”

“We have all the respect in the world for the ACC officials, and I think it would be wonderful to see them in Beijing in 2008,” said Krzyzewski. “They know when to let guys play and when to call it tight, and they’re not afraid to adjust their officiating according to who’s playing. Of course, they would be fair to all parties involved, just not that fair. That’s been the problem with officiating in the Olympics: too much fairness.”

Krzyzewski admitted that some of Duke’s success over the years could be attributed to lopsided officiating, but said he wasn’t looking for any advantages for Team USA. Rather, he just prefers referees that are skilled in the intricacies of the American game.

“Having my officials in Beijing would certainly put me and the team in a comfort zone,” said Krzyzewski. “But by no means am I looking for unfair advantages. We just want to be able to play our game without worrying about a bunch of bad calls in crunch time. There’s nothing worse than that. The refs need to let the players decide the game—unless somebody tries to play defense against us in the final minutes.”

Before Team USA heads to Beijing, they must first play in the World Championships in Kyoto, Japan. A win there would earn them a free pass to Beijing. A loss would force them to qualify for the Olympics in next summer’s Tournament of the Americas.

Both the team and coach Krzyzewski have made it a top priority to win in Kyoto next month.

“Obviously our first step to the Olympics is the World Championship in August,” said Heat guard Dwyane Wade. “We want to win that and have our spot guaranteed. Coach K is preparing us very well. He’s got everybody buying into the team concept. It’s sort of like 2004 under Larry Brown, except he didn’t have us buying into the team concept and we hated him.”

The new and improved Team USA is all about camaraderie and unity, with clashing egos a thing of the past. Once again, Krzyzewski is being credited for the positive change.

“We have so much team unity now that we didn’t have last time,” said Lebron James, who also played for Brown’s team in 2004, “and the credit all goes to Coach K. The first day we were here, he made us sit down and make collages for each other. That was fun. I made one for ‘Melo that totally captured our friendship.”

“And then Coach sat the team down and explained that it was us against the world,” he continued. “I was like ‘Yes! It’s us against the world! All we got is each other, man!’ Of course, he wasn’t trying to pump us up. He was just being literal. It is us against the world. ‘Yes! It’s us against the world!’ Oops. There I go again.”

When asked about Coach K’s proposal to bring ACC officials to the Olympics, members of the team praised him for his forward thinking and attention to detail. The most vocal supporter was Elton Brand, himself a former member of the Duke Blue Devils.

“It’s a great idea,” said Brand, who led Duke to the Final Four in 1999. “It’s just comforting to be on the court with a group of guys who know that a Mike Krzyzewski-coached team never, ever commits a foul at the end of a game, and is always the victim of vicious fouls from the opposition. Will it cause everybody to hate us Americans? Yes, but most people already do. Americans are the Duke Blue Devils of the world.”

Unfortunately for Brand and the rest of Team USA, the IOC has already ruled out using American officials, specifically ones from the ACC, saying “these officials, while qualified, are so far up Mike Krzyzewski’s ass they can see his kidney.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.