LAS VEGAS--Another World Series of Poker is in the books and another unexpected contested has come from nowhere to take the title. This year, it’s a box of nails, which took an $8.5 million purse from the runner up, seven-time winner Phil Ivey.

Upon winning the bracelet, the box of nails sat motionless on a chair while while onlookers gasped over the first inanimate object to win the World Series of Poker.

“And he’s done it!” shouted announcer Lon McEachern. “The box of nails has become the first box of nails to win the World Series of Poker! A true Cinderella story, the box never even played poker before two months ago, and now has beaten one of the great players of his generation! I would ask him how he feels about it but he can’t talk.”

Ivey said he was disappointed to lose the tournament, but credited the box of nails with having a good game plan.

“He had a good game plan,” said a subdued Ivey. “He came in and, um, well, he didn’t do much of anything. But he got really good cards and getting good cards can go a long way in this game. In fact, it’s pretty much everything. That’s why a box of nails can win the tournament. The cards don’t care who you are – or what you are.”

The box of nails secured the $8.5 million purse when Ivey went “all in” while holding a pair of Queens. Unfortunately for him, the box of nails was holding a pair of Aces.

“Goddamn it!” Ivey screamed, pounding his fist on the table. “What are the chances of that happening? Well, box of nails, you have me licked. Great job. If you had a hand I would shake it. It’s just tough to lose to an inanimate object, but this game is nothing if not humbling. At least I’m not Doyle Redmond. He got eliminated in the first round by a six-year-old golden retriever.”

The box of nails has not said how it plans to spend the money, but friends and associates say he will be back next year to defend his title against the greatest poker players in the world.

“He definitely wants to come back again next year and defend his title,” said girlfriend Tracy Conner, 28. “Everybody said when he first entered the tournament that a box of nails could never win it. ‘He doesn’t even have hands,’ they said. ‘He can’t even handle the cards,’ they claimed. Well he proved them all wrong. Anybody can win this stupid game, you idiots! It's all about dumb luck!”

The box of nails' success is already inspiring other inanimate objects to enter the World Series of Poker, including an empty chair, which has stepped forward and vowed to dethrone the new champ.

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.