TAMPA, FL--Frank Masterson, the driver of the Coors Lite Love Train, was arrested and charged with operating under the influence this weekend after ramming into a crowd of partygoers outside Raymond James Stadium in Tampa. The train was reportedly on its way inside the stadium, where it would provide a rush of cool, arctic air to the sweltering crowd inside. Unfortunately, things went horribly wrong.

“Oh my God, that was so scary,” said Megan Whitten, 26, who was tailgating with friends when the Love Train burst onto the scene. “We were just standing around shooting the shit when all of a sudden we heard this loud whistling sound and we turned and saw the Love Train approaching. We started cheering and waving to it, but we noticed something was wrong. It wasn’t slowing down. It was barrelling towards us, and it sure looked to me like that driver was passed out.”

Sure enough, Masterson was asleep at the wheel. Instead of veering right towards the stadium, he kept the train charging straight ahead at full speed. Sadly, not everyone in the crowd was able to get away.

“I got away because I got lucky,” recalled 44-year-old Doug Kipling. “But others were not so lucky. There was this one guy who was standing on the roof of his fan when the train came and rammed it. The dude went flying through the air and landed in a tree. The rest of us, we were just diving out of the way. The one thing I remember, though, is how frigging cold it was. I had icicles hanging off my face. Now I'm sick as a dog. Thanks, Coors.”

After plowing through dozens of parked cars, the Love Train slowed down and eventually stopped. An eerie silence filled the air as disoriented bystanders assessed the damage. With the disabled locomotive coughing and wheezing in front of them, the people did the only sensible thing.

“We looted the fucker,” said Kipling. “The driver was either dead or passed out and we weren’t about to let that opportunity pass. Then we put on some music, any music, so we could get that insipid song ‘Love Train’ out of our heads. Then the driver woke up and joined us! We ended up having a great time. It actually resembled one of those Coors Lite commercials, until the driver ran into a bush, stripped naked, and vomited all over himself.”

The Coors brewing company said they were “shocked” by Masterson’s behavior and threatened to suspend him from his duties driving the Love Train.

“We deeply regret the actions of our driver, Frank Masterson,” read a statement posted on the Coors website. “As you all know, the Coors Brewing Company symbolizes moderation, responsibility, and above all, safety. Mr. Masterson’s actions went far beyond the limits of acceptable behavior. In the future we will make sure that our Love Train drivers are dignified, intelligent, and respectable people who know enough not to drink and drive and, more importantly, that Coors Lite is disgusting and should be avoided at all costs.”

When reached for comment, Masterson said he was just doing his job. He blamed Coors for creating a corporate mentality that encourages drinking and debauchery.

“Of course I was drunk. I’m the driver of the Coors Lite Love Train,” Masterson told reporters. “What did you expect me to be doing, drinking lattes and reading poetry? Man, I was so shitfaced that day that I can’t even remember smashing up the train. All I remember is cruising along, sipping beer from the straws attached to my beer hat, trying desperately to endure that frigging nightmare song just one more time, and then the next thing I remember I'm sitting naked in a parking lot talking to some fuzzy green guy. What a weird night.”

Masterson scoffed at the notion that he was misrepresenting the Coors Brewing Company.

“Now my bosses are telling me that I’m not representing the values of Coors. Are they crazy? I’m the embodiment of those values. Let’s see, drinking in huge quantities, listening to bad music, hanging out with shallow people—for all that I’m surprised they haven’t named me employee of the month.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Love Train Driver Charged With Operating Under The Influence

November 30 , 2005 - Volume 2 Issue 19