NEW YORK--The New York Knicks today signed former Wizards forward Jared Jeffries, a young, unselfish, defensive-minded player, to a 5-year, $30 million deal. The practical, non-ridiculous move has sent shockwaves through the league, especially in New York, where fans have grown accustomed to team-killing deals. On Tuesday, many Knicks fans still didn’t know how to react.

“Okay, we got Jeffries. That’s crazy, right? I mean, he’s overpaid, isn’t he?” said Rick Gooden, 31, of Queens. “Wait a minute. This move isn’t that bad. $30 million is kind of a lot, but there are backup centers making that kind of money in this league. And the guy can play defense, too. We need defensive players. Now hold on a second. If we need defensive players, why in the hell did we sign one?”

Callers to the Mike and the Mad Dog Show on New York’s WFAN radio expressed emotions ranging from rage to resignation to cautious optimism.

“Um…this move is um…stupid, I guess,” said caller Gary from Brooklyn. “This is why we’re such a laughingstock. Jeffries is just another overpaid, selfish, ball hogging…actually, he’s not really a ball hog. And it says here that he’s an affable guy who will be a positive presence in the locker room. I don’t even…I’m confused. Am I getting this right? Did we acquire this guy or trade him away? I feel dizzy.”

Other calls admitted they were simply speechless.

“I have nothing to say, nothing to complain about,” said Murray from Long Island. “This is weird. I don’t even feel anger. I feel a strange sense of serenity, like the way I used to feel a long time ago when we were a competitive team. I guess my only comment on this trade is…it’s not bad. Still, Isiah is the guy who signed Jerome James to that ridiculous deal. What an asshole.”

Knicks GM Isiah Thomas has made a name for himself by making bizarre, team-killing moves like the acquisition of Steve Francis and the signing of Jerome James to a multi-year deal. His team is way over the salary cap and coming off a 23-59 season that resulted in the firing of mega-bucks coach Larry Brown.

Now, however, Thomas has something to crow about: a move that probably won’t destroy team chemistry and lead the club into financial ruin.

“Well, the Wizards have failed to match the offer sheet, and Jared Jeffries is ours,” Thomas said to a crowd of stunned and speechless reporters on Tuesday. “Yea, I know, it’s not really that bad of a deal, is it? It’s actually kind of practical. I’m a little surprised myself. So, nothing to say, huh? You’re just going to stand there and stare at me? Wait, where are you all going? You haven’t even asked me any questions. Bastards. You'll all come crawling back when I fuck everything up. ”

Now that he finally has some forward momentum, Thomas is hoping to add more pieces to his team before the start of the season in preparation for a run at a playoff spot. However, he knows he is still up against overwhelming odds.

“The team already looks better than it did last season, mostly because we got rid of Larry Brown and added some young kids who can play defense,” Thomas said later. “Unfortunately it’s probably not going to be enough to get us into the playoffs. All I really want to do is make enough progress so that I can keep my job at the end of the year. Thankfully we have low standards here. If we win 38 games they’ll love us. If we sign another player who’s not a locker room cancer or half-retarded, they’ll probably throw a ticker tape parade. If we do make the playoffs, well, there's something seriously wrong with the rest of the conference. ”

  

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  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Knicks Fans Stunned, Confused By Non-Ridiculous Signing

August 8, 2006 Volume 2 Issue 54