Study: More Kids Wearing Gay-Ass Helmets To Ride Bikes

ATLANTA--Riding a bicycle up and down a driveway may not seem like a dangerous activity, but that’s not stopping millions of kids from wearing gay-ass helmets to protect themselves when they do it. Experts say that the number of helmet-wearing children has risen a staggering 75 percent in the past decade.

“Certainly we are seeing a higher number of children wearing those big, awkward looking plastic helmets while riding their bicycles, and even tricycles,” said Carol Zito of the American Academy of Pediatrics. “For years, bicycle helmet-wearing was restricted to those who rode in races like the Tour de France or the Iron Man triathlon. Now, children are wearing them in their driveways. There’s no easy explanation for this. I guess they just don’t make kids like they used to.”

Zito also pointed to the fact that parents today are more cautious than in years past.

“I think we’re just seeing more paranoid parents out there than we used to,” she said. “They’re preparing for the possibility that their children will be flung off their bikes and land head first on the roof of the house. Of course if that did happen, the helmet probably wouldn’t do much, other than make the kid look really stupid while he was hurtling through the air.”

Societal pressure may also play a role in the helmet phenomenon. Of the hundreds of parents interviewed for the study, nearly 48 percent said they were concerned about appearing neglectful.

“A lot of people felt that if they didn’t helmet their children, and something happened to them, that others would judge them as being neglectful,” Zito said. “It’s sort of like peer pressure. Everyone else is doing it, so they have to do it, too. Pretty soon kids will be wearing helmets to walk around the house. Actually, my son does wear a helmet around the house, but that’s only because he has a head injury from falling off his bike.”

The spike in helmet wearing is not just restricted to children. Adults, too, can be seen wearing the hard plastic accessories on leisurely bike rides through the park. So what is it that causes adults to gay themselves up in public? It depends who you ask.

“I often wear a helmet when I’m riding my bike just in case I fall down or something,” said Chad Winn, 32, avid bike rider who rides to work every day. “With a helmet you know that if you fall down, you won’t bash your head open and bleed to death. And if there are any safes or pianos falling from the sky, you’ll be able to shield yourself. Other than that, I guess I just like the way they look. I feel like when people see me riding by with my helmet on they think ‘Now there’s a guy who’s not to be messed with.’”

Winn admitted that when he was younger he never wore a helmet.

“I didn’t start wearing a helmet until a few years ago when everybody started wearing them,” he said. “When I was a kid it was unthinkable. I used to do stunts and wheelies and shit, and go down to this dirt track and jump over these hills, and it never crossed my mind to put on a helmet. But nowadays we’re more enlightened. We know that injury and death stalk you at every corner. We are eternally vigilant. That’s why so many less people are dying these days.”

With the helmet trend in full swing, many are wondering what’s next on the horizon for safety-conscious parents and kids. Face masks? Chest protectors? Full body armor? Zito claims that the next disturbing safety trend may already be upon us.

“Knee pads. I see more and more kids wearing knee pads while riding their bikes,” she said. “Have you noticed that yet? I guess parents are deeply concerned now about skinned knees. There are also other parts of the body that are uncovered. What about the eyes? Shouldn’t we be putting protective goggles on them to prevent puncturing by hanging twigs? And the hands, too. That’s the first thing that hits the ground when you’re trying to break your fall. They are on the front line in the war against boo-boos. Shouldn’t they also be covered up with some kind of mittens?”