NEW YORK--Since the 2004 brawl between the Detroit Pistons and Indiana Pacers, Commissioner David Stern has worked overtime trying to improve the league’s image by imposing stricter standards for player conduct and adopting a zero tolerance policy towards fighting. Now Stern may be back to square one after a second brawl between the Knicks and Nuggets threatened to derail his attempts to gay up the NBA.

“This has got to be a setback for Stern’s efforts to turn the NBA into Gayville,” said one Eastern Conference owner. “For a while there, things were going so well. He had those players scared of their own shadows. They wouldn’t so much as shove each other without fear of ejection and a fine. Now all that progress has gone down the tubes. Fighting, shoving, cursing, sucker punching – it’s almost like the league is made up of aggressive, testosterone filled athletes rather than girl scouts.”

The 2004 melee between the Pistons and the Pacers, which spilled into the stands, is considered to be the worst brawl in NBA history. That incident prompted the league to outlaw fighting for good by suspending any players involved in fisticuffs. Some, however, say it’s impossible to eradicate fighting completely.

“Human nature being what it is, fights will break out here and there,” said Pacers GM Larry Bird, who was involved in his share of confrontations during his career. “You can’t turn the players into robots, and you can’t act like every fight is a world-changing, life-altering event. Sometimes a punch is just a punch and a shove is just a shove. This zero tolerance bullshit just puts everybody on edge and causes more friction. Let these guys slap each other around a little. It can actually be quite therapeutic. Just ask anybody who’s ever punched Bill Laimbeer.”

Bird isn’t the only ex-player who would like to see the league turn back the clock to the non-gay days of the 70’s and 80’s. Several former stars, many of whom are now running teams, feel the league should relax the rules and abandon their zero tolerance policy.

“We didn’t have a lot of brawls like this when I played,” said Trail Blazers coach Nate McMillan, who played for the Sonics from 1987 to 1998. “If you had a problem with a guy, you just punched him right in the face. Now every time there’s some shoving, everybody freaks out and pretends to be outraged and David Stern pours over the tape to dispense justice so he can impress the coveted south/midwest demographic. I’ve got news for you, Dave. Those people like cockfighting. You don't need to impress them.”

Nonetheless, the league is moving forward with harsh penalties for those involved in the latest brawl. Carmelo Anthony, who punched Mardy Collins, received 15 games, while Nate Robinson and J.R. Smith received 10 games each.

“We need to send a message to these players that fighting is unacceptable,” Stern said during a conference call. “If you foul somebody, help them up and say your terribly sorry. If someone is running up the score on you, tell them ‘congratulations’ and enjoy the show. After the game you can take out your frustrations by listening to your violent ‘hip hop’ music and punching a pillow or something. That will save you the embarrassment of having your awkward, girl punches show up on YouTube the next morning.”

Knicks coach Isiah Thomas has taken a lot of heat for urging one of his players, Mardy Collins, to commit a hard foul on J.R. Smith. According to Thomas, that kind of thing took place all the time when he was playing.

“Yea, so I told my guy to foul someone. Big deal,” Thomas said. “If a guy’s driving the lane for a fantastic dunk in the waning seconds of a home blowout, he’s getting fouled. This is the old way. This is the way we used to play. We policed ourselves and settled our own scores. Now we’re supposed to pussy out of every confrontation. Well we're not pussying out. This team is going to go down swinging, like my boy Nate Robinson, who may be a dipshit, but at least he was looking for trouble instead of hauling ass to the other side of the court like a certain Denver Nugget.”

“And that's it,” Thomas added. “That's about the only nice thing I can say about Nate Robinson.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.