CHICAGO--The Gatorade Co. has introduced several new flavors to their extensive roster in recent weeks, but none more controversial than the one rolled out October 1 in stores everywhere. The flavor, simply called “No Excuses,” boasts a special formula that will actually kill you if you make excuses. So far, nine deaths have been reported from the new mixture, which comes in Lemon-Lime, Cherry, and Grape flavors.

Gatorade spokesman Jeff Horrow says No Excuses will push athletes “to the limit.”

“Gatorade has always been about maximizing athletes’ performance,” said Horrow, “No Excuses takes that a step further. Anybody who tries to make an excuse, anybody who says, ‘I’m tired,’ or ‘I have an injury’ or ‘I have a degenerative muscle disease’ will be killed on the spot. And it will be a painful death, too, though not painful enough in my opinion.”

According to Horrow, when a person loses their “edge” during an athletic endeavor, their body undergoes a significant chemical alteration that shifts them into “loser” mode. No Excuses' revolutionary formula actually detects that chemical-alteration and responds by infusing the body with a deadly mix of poisons.

“As a Gatorade spokesman, nothing pisses me off like athletes making excuses,” Horrow said. “That’s why I love No Excuses so much. You wanna survive? Don’t make excuses. You wanna die, floundering on the court like a fish out of water, leaving your team short-handed just because YOU were getting tired or dizzy or have some kind of ‘medical condition?’ Fine. Make an excuse, then. See what happens to you, bitch.”

The new ad campaign for Gatorade No Excuses will be the “boldest one yet,” says Horrow. One commercial depicts a high school football player complaining of heart palpitations and asking to be taken out of the game. Having consumed a bottle of No Excuses earlier, the athlete drops dead on the spot, resulting in a lopsided loss for his team.

“It’s just supposed to show the high cost of making excuses,” said Horrow. “It hurts your team, it hurts your coaches, and now, it will kill you.”

No Excuses is already getting rave reviews from both professional and amateur athletes. The NCAA has approved its use for male and female athletes and the results have been overwhelming.

“I can’t tell you how much Gatorade No Excuses has help me reach the next level,” said USC volleyball player Kristi Sheppard. “It’s all I drink now, and when I’m out there on the court I never make excuses. I don’t even stop for breathers anymore, even though I have a rare heart condition that….ahhhh! My chest! No! I wasn’t making excuses, I was just…I…I’m sorry…This…serves me right. Goodbye...everybody. Thank you...Gatorade.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.