COLUMBUS, OH--The BCS title game is still a month away, but it looks like the Florida Gators have already won. That’s because the Ohio State Buckeyes, the number one team in the nation, have unexpectedly forfeited the game in order to avoid facing the wrath of the mighty SEC, the toughest conference in all of college football.

“As you all know, the Florida Gators hail from the Southeastern Conference, a powerhouse conference that is the toughest, grittiest, and most talented in all the nation,” said Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel. “As good as we are, we’re not stupid enough to put ourselves in the potentially embarrassing situation of having to face the SEC champion. We’re a good team, but the SEC plays on a whole different level as the rest of the nation. In fact, I’d like to someday be an SEC coach, though I probably wouldn’t cut the mustard because SEC coaches are hard-nosed warriors and I’m kind of a dork.”

Tressel also pointed out that Florida spent its season playing against other SEC opponents while Ohio State played against teams from the inferior Big 10 conference.

“We’ve never seen a team like Florida before,” said Tressel. “We have not had a taste of SEC football at all. The best team we’ve played this year is Michigan, and those guys are from the Big 10, which is like the SEC Jr. Florida, on other hand, has played Alabama, Tennessee, LSU, and Georgia. Read that list again. You think we could have handled all those teams? Not likely. And I don’t even want to think what an SEC defense would do to our poor little Troy Smith. Bye bye Heisman, hello full body cast. No thanks. We’ll skip the game and live to suck another day.”

Upon hearing the news of Ohio State’s forfeit, members of the Florida Gators were outraged. The Gators were looking forward to the opportunity to face the Buckeyes on national television and give them a little taste of a good old fashioned SEC-style butt kicking.

“We wanted a shot at these guys and now they’re backing down,” said head coach Urban Meyer. “It’s not fair. We worked so hard to play and defeat the number one team in the country. Never mind how sloppy we played against Arkansas. Arkansas is an SEC opponent, a super team like us. Those games are wars of attrition. Just getting out alive is an accomplishment. That’s why we were looking forward to a nice, relaxing, breezy victory against a non-SEC opponent. Can’t we at least play Michigan? Please? Come on, we promise not to run up the score. We’ll put our backups in as soon as we hit 65 points.”

Unfortunately for Meyer, the decision has already been made. A message on the front page of the Ohio State Buckeyes web site read “Congratulations to the Florida Gators on winning the 2006 NCAA National Championship.” Even quarterback Troy Smith has given up on the championship and started focusing on the upcoming NFL draft.

“The team has made their decision and we just have to go along with that,” said Smith as he was cleaning out his locker at Ohio State. “Of course, we all would have liked the opportunity to play for the title, but clearly the best team has prevailed, and frankly, we saved ourselves some embarrassment and probably some pretty serious injuries. I am entering the NFL draft this year and the last thing I need is for scouts to see me throwing interceptions and being sacked and openly weeping while those SEC defenders stand over me flexing their muscles. It’s better to quit now and let them think I can actually play.”

According to NCAA rules, there is no rule prohibiting a team from forfeiting a title game. Now the NCAA is faced with a decision: find a replacement team to play Florida or cancel the title game altogether.

“It’s technically legal for a team to forfeit this game, but it’s never actually happened before,” said NCAA president Myles Brand. “So it’s up to us to find a solution to this problem. We could use the opportunity to allow a more deserving team to play for the championship. How about Florida versus LSU or Florida versus Auburn? How about Florida versus Vanderbilt? Kentucky? You put Kentucky in the Big 10 and they’re probably finishing at 11-1. Actually, forget all that. Why don’t we just have Florida, the SEC champ, take the field on January 8th and just stand there and let the crowd get a look at what true awesomeness is all about? That could backfire, though, if the fans get intimidated and run for their lives.”


Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.