INDIANAPOLIS--The Florida Gators, a talented SEC team that has reached the NCAA Final 4, are being roundly criticized for their failure to be a heartwarming Cinderella story like their opponent, George Mason. George Mason has captured the hearts of the nation, while Florida has annoyed everybody with their talent, depth, and high seeding.

“This Florida team is exactly the kind of group you don’t want in this tournament,” said college basketball analyst Bill Raftery. “They’ve got some size, they’ve got ability, but worst of all, they have credentials. Shame on you, Florida Gators, and shame on you, Billy Donovan with your fancy hair and expensive suits. I bet the George Mason coach shops at bargain stores and spends his off days reading to blind schoolchildren while you sit in your ivory tower, smoking your cigars, rubbing your hands together and thinking how you can rip the hearts out of those angelic George Mason kids. How do you sleep at night?”

On Monday, Florida coach Billy Donovan addressed his team’s critics.

“I know it’s hard for people to get behind us against George Mason because we’re not one of those improbable stories,” said Donovan. “We’re just your average, run-of-the-mill 3 seed from a powerhouse conference that actually had a chance coming into this thing. No, we weren’t a superpower like Duke or UConn, but we were still better than most teams in the tournament. There’s really nothing notable about us at all, other than the fact that we’re good. Even I don’t like us. We’re boring.”

Donovan admitted to being enchanted by the George Mason story, but stopped short of saying he wanted them to win it all.

“It’s such an entertaining story. Like the rest of the country I’ve really enjoyed following it,” he said. “I can’t say that I want them to win it all, though. I’m sorry but that would be a major conflict for me considering we are playing them next week and I want us to go all the way. I know. I’m an asshole. I deserve every bit of hate mail you’ve been sending me.”

It is estimated that 99 percent of the country will be rooting for George Mason next weekend, while only a small percentage of people, mostly in Florida, will be supporting the Gators. But even some Florida fans admitted feeling guilty about rooting against GM.

“I really want Florida to win, which I kind of feel bad about, actually,” said Kerri Daugherty, 20, a Florida student. “It’s kind of like rooting for Drago in Rocky IV or the evil Karate group in Karate Kid. It’s not that the Gators are evil per se, but they are certainly not the earnest, hard-working, and let’s face it, adorable, George Mason team. They’re boring. If they win the celebration will be muted, to say the least. In fact, there probably won’t be one fire set or one bottle thrown at a police officer. It just won’t be that jubilant.”

If Florida feels guilty about its status as a favorite, George Mason is positively giddy about its Cinderella role.

Said guard Lamar Butler: “This Cinderella label fits us like a glove. We don’t mind being the underdog. We actually like it that way, which makes sense because every underdog in human history has liked it that way, because it’s fun and easy to be the underdog and everybody loves you.”

“George Mason, the guy our school was named after, was an underdog, too,” he continued. “He wrote the Bill of Rights or something, and he was totally overshadowed by Thomas Jefferson and all those other guys. So we’re kind of like George Mason, and Florida is like Thomas Jefferson and that asshole John Hancock who had to sign his name bigger than everyone else. And aside from being one of a handful of 11 seeds in history to knock off a 1 seed, I just became the first basketball player in history to make an analogy involving Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, and George Mason.”

 

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  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Florida Gators Criticized For Not Being Heartwarming Cinderella Story

March 28 , 2006 Volume 2 Issue 36