BOSTON--On Tuesday morning, the World Series champion Boston Red Sox took to the streets of Boston in a rolling parade that carried them from Fenway Park all the way to City Hall Plaza. Members of the team celebrated jubilantly as they wound through the city, trailing a large flatbed truck holding the band Dropkick Murphys, who played their hit song “Tessie,” the unofficial theme song of the Old Towne Team.
The only aspect of the parade that disappointed was the presence of thousands upon thousands of Red Sox fans.
“Yay! Go Red Sox! Whoooo!” shouted 19-year-old Jessica Hampton, a Boston University student. “Yankees suck! Yankees suck! Yankees suck! I hate you, Derek Jeter! The curse is over! Go Boston! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, here comes Jonathan Papelbon. He’s so hot! Jonathan! Jonathan! Look at me! I painted my face in Red Sox colors!”
Hampton, originally from Eugene, Oregon, has been a “die-hard” Red Sox fan for three years and is “psyched” that the Curse of the Bambino is finally over.
“Oh my God, it was like so long before we won a World Series and now we have two of them!” she told the Boston Herald. “It’s such a relief after all this suffering we had to go through. I’ll never forget after we won in 2004, me and my friends went to this graveyard and looked at all the dead people who never got to see this day. I totally cried! This is totally for them. And for all the old Red Sox players, especially Bill Buckner. We forgive you, Bill! I bet he's watching this right now with tears in his eyes.”
Across the street a group of obviously drunk young men chanted “Yankees suck” and called Derek Jeter a “faggot.”
“Screw you, Jeter! You’re a faggot! Suck on this!” screamed 21-year-old Derek Sullivan, as a small child looked on nearby. “The Yankees suck, everybody in the league sucks, and every city in the country sucks except Boston. Yea! We’re the city of champions! Dude, I’m gonna throw this cup and see if I can hit Big Papi in the head. Yea, I got him! Yea, it’s me, Papi! Over here! Yankees suck, baby!”
Not all fans in attendance were loud and obnoxious, however. Some were quiet, reserved and obnoxious, like 34-year-old soccer mom Jan Marinelli of Hopkinton, who brought her three young children to the festivities.
“Card carrying member of Red Sox here,” said Marinelli, holding up her official Red Sox Nation Visa card. “We’ve been fans since…gosh, let me think about that one…carry the two…two years. It’s been amazing! Being a Red Sox fan is such a roller coaster ride. There were times when I never thought they would win again, like in September of this season when they lost three in a row. But through the hours of darkness, we believed. Oh my God, look, it’s Jerry Remy! He’s the president of Red Sox Nation! Mr. President! Mr. President! Over here!”
As the parade wound down, exhausted players climbed off their duck boats and waved to a throng of delirious fans before heading to their cars. Pitcher Mike Timlin said he had “a great time” but admitted it would have been better without the fans.
“We all had a great time celebrating together and riding through the city on those duck boats,” Timlin said. “But man, the fans are obnoxious. They have gotten really dorky in the past couple years. I mean, Red Sox Nation credit cards? Really? And the less said about those pink hats, the better. Oh, and we beat the Rockies, not the Yankees, so you can stop with the ‘Yankees suck’ chant.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” he added. “I love our fans, but there are so many bandwagon jumpers now that I hardly even recognize them. They don’t even key my car anymore when I leave the ballpark! Well, they do, but they write ‘I love you,’ which admittedly is kind of cute.”
Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
Red Sox World Series Parade Ruined By Presence Of Red Sox Fans
|October 30 , 2007 Volume 2 Issue 116|