World Still Not Chilling Despite Coke Commercial

LOS ANGELES-- Despite Coca-Cola’s new TV ad, in which a group of youths attempts to teach the world to chill by buying it a Coke, the world has steadfastly refused to chill. Coke executives are at a loss to explain the ineffectiveness of the commercials, especially since they contain so many attractive young people.

“What the hell is going on here?” asked Christine Holland, director of marketing for Coca-Cola Zero. “These commercials are brilliant, and they contain a valuable message for all of mankind, namely, that chilling is good and you should do it more often. Still, the news is full of reports of bombings, beatings, rapes, and murders. Hel-lo? Isn’t anyone paying attention? Jesus, you try to help people and this is the thanks you get.”

For the commercial, Coke hired guitarist G-Love, a non-traditional underground blues musician whose lack of commercial success gives him the street cred that major pop stars lack. He is accompanied by a group of friends carefully selected to represent each racial demographic that Coke is targeting.

The song “I’d Like to Teach the World to Chill” is a variation of the 70’s Coke jingle “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” which similarly failed to convince the world to sing.

“Getting G-Love was a real coup for us,” said Holland. “We figured if we could get him and make the song real catchy, and air the commercial repeatedly during NFL broadcasts, that it would be a slam dunk. We thought the sight of youngsters hanging on a roof together and ‘jamming’ would be something everyone could relate to. But we were wrong .People are not chilling. In fact, according to our surveys, most people who see the commercial report a powerful urge to purchase a sniper rifle and take out everyone on that roof. Clearly the message is not getting across.”

To further study the effects of the commercial, Coca-Cola assembled a focus group of 18-35 year old males. Their responses were shocking, and totally contrary to the theme of the ads.

“OK, that guy right there, he’s an asshole. I hate him,” said Ryan Hicks, 28, of Philadelphia. “And that girl, the black one with the frizzy hair, she looks like a total pain-in-the-ass bitch. And that guy, too, with the chin beard. I hate him. I don’t know what it is, but whenever I see this commercial I feel a deep, seething hatred swelling up inside of me. The more they tell me to chill, the more I want to hurt them really, really bad---and I’m a Quaker.”

Seventy-three percent of focus group members reported feelings of anger and resentment similar to Hicks, while a small minority even admitted to committing violent crimes in the aftermath of viewing the commercial.

“After seeing that commercial, I went out and beat up some homeless guy,” said one man, who asked not to be identified. “I’m not proud of it, but when I saw the looks on the faces of those kids on the rooftop, the sun shining through their hair, all serene-looking, something inside of me snapped. I had to take it out on somebody. I feel bad for the guy I beat up, but if it makes him feel any better, I was imagining that singer the entire time I was kicking his head in.”

While Coke execs are confused by the rash of violence and ill will that has followed their new advertisement, many experts say that it’s not surprising. Sociologist Andrew Lindholm explained that when messages are tailor-made for a certain demographic, they often end up having a reverse effect on that demographic, for the simple reason that people don’t like to be pandered to.

“There is a very simple message in all this,” said Lindholm. “When people sense they are being pandered to they automatically lash out against the people doing the pandering. The new Coke commercial is obviously an attempt to pre-package the style, musical tastes, and attitudes of young people into a cynical marketing ploy aimed at selling them soft drinks. Of course, that’s the technical explanation. To put it in simpler terms, the commercial is gay, G-A-Y, and if I see it again I’m going to put a foot through my TV set.”